I remember when I was younger I heard someone say people don’t really want to hear what you know until you can first show them you care. I’ve always been told I’m a good listener and there are many times I’ve offered good advice although often it was just listening that was needed but you see in every situation I would think of how I felt and what I would have liked to hear if it were me. I’ve not always been so nice to myself and have said awful things for instance, “It’s no wonder nobody loves you, why would they”, “You’ll always be alone and misunderstood”, “You’re just a burden to others, why do you even try to continue on” and so many more things. Admitting it now I didn’t love myself much. Growing up I hated my hair, I hated the clothes I wore, I hated my name because it wasn’t the usual name, I hated my nose, I hated my whole appearance, I hated my lack of talent and as time went further on I would become more and more distant from people because of the horrible things said about me that were so far from my inner truth.
After struggling with infertility, I was convinced the universe or even God was against me. Every time my husband had to deploy we would have to learn how to reconnect and even then, we were on opposite shifts. I finally had my first child at the age of 23 and while I had some help from some great neighbors I considered friends I never felt comfortable enough asking for help or saying I was struggling. Postpartum depression hit hard and with some very scary and real health challenges that have developed into chronic illness I was convinced he would be better off with a different mommy. I had the plan in my head and irrationally thought my hubby could just get a new wife. Thankfully what stopped me was the fear that it wouldn’t be noticed early enough, and our son would die a painful death either through severe injury or malnutrition, so I reached out for help the only way I knew how. I was then met with a barrage of injuring words along with reassurances that I was selfish because they had to travel and use time off work and how could I not just be grateful enough for the sacrifices made for me. The anxiety and pain I’ve faced since while attempting to set healthy boundaries and speak up against hurtful things said throughout the years only to be labeled “too sensitive”, “drama causing” and “toxic” have brought great pain.
Those experiences with people as mentioned above have led to me to completely protect my heart with a wall and only sharing my pain through prayer or occasionally with my husband. I however seek to open my heart because I know great pain, I know deep dark despair, I know chaotic anxiety, I know intense pain in all levels of my body and soul. I’m posting this to share with you to not give up, do not give up, you are so valuable even though you cannot see it right now, you are loved more than you can feel or imagine, if you were not here on this earth you would be missed beyond an ability to measure.
In my lifetime I have experienced birth to a mother both physically and mentally disabled, I was never supposed to be possible and my biological father didn’t even know I existed until I was 24, physical and sexual abuse before the age of 3 and then adopted by family, sexual assault, stalking and rape, I reconnected with my biological mother at the age of 18 and had a difficult time connecting due to things I’d heard then I had to watch her deteriorate quickly during Christmas 2000 and watched her be buried Feb 2001 at the age of 20, fear of abandonment and at times actual abandonment, learning people once thought to be friends used me for monetary gain or just to have gossip material, I’ve had everything I could materially want and then had to watch while it was either taken or it had to be sold so we could feed our children, I’ve been accused of spending money unwisely when broke “just to have cable” when we didn’t even have cable and cut everything from our budget possible except a phone and my family of 4 lived in a 2 bedroom apartment (people can judge and be so harsh even when they don’t know the facts), I’ve experienced the loss of wonderful friends and had to watch their life slip away through the awful painful effects of Cancer, I’ve experienced the loss of 4 babies during pregnancy and have dealt with well-meaning or not so well-meaning comments from people that don’t understand, I’ve seen my older children struggle and felt so inadequate to help, I’ve seen adults make attacks on their character and spread gossip isolating them from others, I’ve had people attack every good quality about me and make it seem as if I were fake and say I was the vilest person around. I’ve had some support and then I’ve looked around desperately for support and found no one. I’ve had some good Christians build me up and some “good Christians” tear me down and have watched them tear apart countless others while they’re praised for how good they seem to be outwardly. I’ve had health with barely a headache or sickness once every few years and then I was faced with migraines sometimes daily, daily body pain, daily heart-rate and rhythm problems, hormone imbalances, adrenal fatigue. I’ve been depressed, I’ve been anxious, I’ve felt hopeless, I’ve felt alone, I’ve felt isolated, I’ve felt so much and experienced so many things I cannot even recount it all for this post.
To the you that feels life just can’t get any better and just when you think you’ve faced the worst you could possibly encounter along comes another situation that crumbles you to the very depth of your soul. I see you, I KNOW you, and I’ve been in your shoes, maybe not the exact shoes in the exact same situation. I’ve been in those shoes, the ones that feel like they are forever affixed to your feet, they don’t seem they’ll ever come off, they cause every part of your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual being intense pain and anxiety. Find someone to share your heart, a friend, family or stranger anyone just don’t try to struggle alone. Again, if there’s anything you come away with from this post, do not give up, DO NOT GIVE UP, you are so valuable even though you cannot see it right now, you are loved more than you can feel or imagine, if you were not here on this earth you would be missed beyond an ability to measure. You matter, you matter to me!
The last thing we said face to face was how beautiful this sky was, it will forever be etched in my memory. Now you’re with the creator of this magnificence! See you again in Heaven asking God to tell you we love you
I’m so upset and disappointed that people will make up stories about others especially an adult about an adolescent. Don’t they even think twice about how profound it can impact that person’s life? Why spread a rumor a year later instead of talking to a parent immediately especially if it’s sensitive information and potentially dangerous. You shouldn’t work with teens if you cannot look out for their best interest, furthermore, causing social isolation and spreading rumors are both forms of bullying all of which can lead to suicide in adolescents!! I know if Granny was still here she’d set some things straight. Pray I handle this correctly because I honestly believe it needs to be addressed further.
Our oldest daughter has such a tender heart. I was texting her and thanking her for helping me especially with so many of the rough days I’ve been having. I had said I felt like a failure of a mom because their life was different than those that don’t have a mom with chronic illnesses. This is her reply and I’ll do my very best to use it for daily inspiration. I love this girl of ours!!
Denial: "This can't be happening."
Everything seemed to be going so well it shouldn’t have happened again. (Pregnancy loss)
My HCG levels were rising and my progesterone was good. (Pregnancy loss)
We just saw her and she seemed to be doing ok. She just had her cataracts removed and was finally getting relief from knee pain. (Mother in law)
How could she go downhill so fast? She said she wouldn’t leave me. (Friend)
Maybe the heartbeat just wasn’t visible as well abdominal but will be fine. (Pregnancy loss)
Anger: "Why is this happening to me?"
Why didn’t she tell us she had chest pain and go to ER instead of waiting for morning, why didn’t the Dr advise immediate visit to ER? (Mother in law)
She was in so much pain medication, I hope it didn’t make it worse, did she give up?(Friend)
This was my rainbow baby why did I even conceive if God didn’t allow baby to be born healthy. (Pregnancy loss)
Bargaining: "I will do anything to change this."
I’ll take egg boosting supplements and do everything to make my body healthy for next time. (Pregnancy loss)
Praying Lord make baby healthy or take home if baby would suffer but please let baby stay. (Pregnancy loss)
Depression: "What's the point of going on after this loss?"
I didn’t even have one single picture with my friend, why didn’t we take a picture sometime. I’ll never find a friend like her again.
If only I had told her how much we loved her and how the family division hurt us but we understand why she kept her other family members happy. My kids missed so much and time can never be returned.
I don’t understand why this happened again maybe I’m being punished or maybe I’m just not a good mom and the babies are better off in Heaven. I want to try again but I’m afraid of another loss and that will be our last baby.
Acceptance: "I know what happened, and I can't change it. Now I need to cope."
She was suffering and wanted to be in Heaven, now she has a perfect body and will never suffer again. (Friend)
She always worried she would have Alzheimer’s like her mom so going to Heaven saved her from that possibility. (Mother in law)
My babies were loved every minute and will never be forgotten. They are with Jesus and loved ones now and they never had to experience suffering. I will see them again someday. (Pregnancy loss)
I’m physically unwell today, I’m so very hurt, broken and distraught. I’m so angry, ANGRY that time my children could have had with their Granny was stolen by those that claimed to “love” them. “They love our children”, yet they purposely push them away and said they didn’t even want to hear their names spoken, this is love? Direct quotes from our children: “They never treated us very good anyway and were nicer to strangers.”, “I just don’t understand, I’m standing there and I want so bad to ask for a hug while she’s hugging everyone else but she didn’t even say hi to me.”, “I sometimes stay awake at night not being able to sleep thinking to myself if I was the problem, if I was the one that caused my family to hate each other, if I could just disappear and see if that would work, almost every time it brings me to tears.” Finally after many years my kids may understand it’s not their fault but they cannot comprehend why they aren’t loved by family and I pray they heal. My heart is shattered knowing that they know and feel this and we have explained it was an issue between adults they were at no fault. These people made it difficult for our kids to have time with their Granny while trying to say they weren’t and placed the blame away from themselves saying it was a scheduling problem with the grandparents. My kids missed time with a Granny they loved and cherished! OUR kids were robbed and time can never be replaced!!
So we’re getting ready to go to bed and I completely lost it, tears and panic. Hubby usually works Saturday’s but his supervision allowed him to take the day without pay because I’d be inducing for the missed miscarriage. It was a long day and took almost 6 hours after taking the medication for baby to deliver and then another 3-4 to steady out. Sunday I attempted to rest but still was lightheaded from blood loss and anxious about burial details. Thankfully Sunday we were given the approval to bury Riley Ember with Ean Rigel. Today the Funeral Home had a temporary grave marker ready for us by 9am free of charge. Since Mondays are a regular scheduled day off for my hubby he and our son went and dug the grave for precious little Riley Ember. We had a private service with just husband, kids and myself, I cried all the way home. So it was bedtime and I flipped out because I’ve barely had a chance to breathe or have my husband near by so the thought of him leaving for work felt like all oxygen had been sucked out of the room. I couldn’t even begin to think how I would make it through the day without him. So I asked him what does his supervision expect when they say just let us know if you need anything because honestly right now I need my husband with me. The company has bereavement days as applied to the passing of immediate family but these days do not apply for miscarriage. He sent his main supervisor a text telling him we buried our baby today and I’m not doing well and have requested him to be home tomorrow with me and asked if that was sufficient or if he needed to call in. His supervisor said the text would do and was sorry for our loss. I still don’t know if they will arrange this as a unpaid scheduled day off or if he will get a point for not working because he is out of time after all the appointments for baby and after our son attempted suicide. My heart is heavy, I feel lost, I feel like few even acknowledge the pain I am going through: physically, emotionally and spiritually. Mothers after a miscarriage seem to be alone and invisible.
For those that have been there, thank you. All others I understand you’ll never comprehend this pain and for that I’m grateful. My hope is any grieving family after loss can have the support they desperately need.
Before getting too far into this, I’m pregnant, 5 weeks to be exact! Announcing pregnancy after loss becomes complicated with many emotions and leads to an uncertainty of wondering when the best time is to tell others. After just losing Ean in October, his heart stopped at 13w2d, and realizing how pregnancy isn’t permanent even once you get passed the 12 weeks, it is an odd feeling of wanting to protect from that heartache to being joyful and wanting to share the good news. This coupled with just losing Ma/Granny February 5th made the thought of ever announcing feel impossible because this loss was not just ours and how would this news feel to others still grieving her absence? We obviously didn’t know when we started trying this month that we would lose her, and I had already ovulated before she was gone. Prior to realizing I was in fact pregnant the thoughts of not trying again were already pouring in and maybe we would have stopped trying completely, possibly not, but we would have waited longer to allow more time to grieve. I don’t understand God’s timing, His plan or His ways but I do know He knew this was all going to happen just the way it did. She was always the first person my husband told and that realization she wasn’t here to tell anymore was sad, it was also slightly amusing to realize that this time she probably knew even before we did. I read a book on pregnancy after loss and the author mentioned that she regretted not celebrating the small milestones and wishes she had allowed herself to feel more hope and joy. This will likely be my last pregnancy and I remember wishing I had enjoyed my pregnancy with Ean more so that is what I’m going to try to do now. I’ve decided that although I am still sad and was ill prepared for the emotions I would be going through or even the moments where everything feels unreal, I am going to focus on the realization that Heaven is a better place and I can celebrate my joys even amongst the grief. I pray and ask others to pray that this baby is a healthy full-term baby. This is my daily focus: “Today is a new day. This is a new pregnancy. Pregnancy is a blessing for as many days as it will be. I will celebrate each new day with my baby. God is with me every step of the way and will help me through any outcome.”
I’m so sad. Right now, everything is in an unknown territory. We lost Ean and I delivered him October 30th. Through thought and prayer, we decided we were ready to start trying again so this month we gave it a good effort. I’m 9dpo (days past ovulation) and feeling at odds about possible pregnancy. I was so excited to try again and even had some hope. Unfortunately, at 2dpo my husband’s mom (Granny) died suddenly from a heart attack. At first, I thought oh this is horrible timing and wished that maybe we had continued waiting instead. Eventually I thought what better way to remember her if I were to be pregnant because I’d be due in October, her birthday was also in October. I’ve had the hormonal symptoms feeling pregnant because of the progesterone I’m on but of course all the early pregnancy tests so far have come back stark white negative. All the holding it under different lights running around looking in different rooms don’t change the result to show that line I’m able to imagine because I know where it should be. The thing is, now I’m almost terrified of being pregnant. Closer monitoring during pregnancy because of losing Ean would mean I’d need some help with the kids while I make that long drive to the doctor’s office however often it’ll need to be. I didn’t ask for help often but when I needed it Granny was always there and because I’m not one to feel comfortable asking she was the only one we could count on for help. It feels so alone like now our little family is on its own little island.
Many women when attempting to conceive especially after difficulty learn to track their body’s symptoms, temperatures, use ovulation predictor tests and watch their body for any minute changes that can indicate pregnancy. Often followed by obsessive early pregnancy testing and checking it under multiple lights and tweaking tests through apps in an attempt to view that first faint line. Turns out after miscarriage much of the same is done except this time the obsessive testing comes with the hope of seeing that negative test and hoping to see the cycle return to what is normal prior to miscarriage. As it turns out every woman’s body is different which isn’t really all that surprising until you are still seeing a slight pink line 2 months 1 week and 2 days after miscarriage. Yes the further you are along in pregnancy when you have a loss the longer the hormone can remain, and 13w6d isn’t an early miscarriage but seriously that’s just concerning. Let me tell you, DO NOT go to google to search those possibilities because you’ll be left tossing and turning at night wondering if you in fact have that form of cancer from retained tissue that hopefully can be resolved with chemotherapy if caught “early enough”. When your body is already so far from what is “normal” that frightening possibility doesn’t seem all that unreasonable. So after contacting my Dr and asking how long it should reasonably take for hcg to drop I was asked to come in for a blood test. My results were less than 2...really less than 2, that’s negative, barely even a thought of hcg. Considering the test is close to the same as the very early positive I got with Ean I’m not sure what to think of this brand anymore. Until a couple years ago I wouldn’t rely on this test at all and actually refused to take them because the sensitivity wasn’t as good, at least from what I knew 12 years ago, others would show up first, and now it seems to be the earliest and yet the most unreliable. So I’d have to urge you, don’t trust the faint lines on the First Response Early Result Pregnancy Tests. Try another brand and if it’s negative it could still be early so test again in a couple days if you really think/hope you’re pregnant or haven’t had your expected period and hope you aren’t pregnant. If you know for a fact you have ovulated and it’s been 15 days after ovulation get a blood test and you’ll know for sure. I say 15 days because every woman is different and time between ovulation and period can be 10-14 days, sometimes shorter for women with luteal phase defect, but usually 14 days is the longest you’ll go unless you actually ovulated later than you thought. I can’t say for sure that in the future I’ll never give that brand another try because I’m a POAS (Pee On A Stick) addict but I can say with all certainty it won’t be one I absolutely trust and I may even share my negative review with the company because let’s face it getting false results is just plain disturbing.
Haven’t you mourned long enough, just get over it already. No, I’m not going to ever just get over it. What I have gone through has changed me from the very depths of who I am and though I always thought during every circumstance I have faced in life I couldn’t feel more deeply I always do. Grief is like a living thing it develops differently depending on circumstances and like an ocean it ebbs and flows. While sometimes I feel guilty because all those prayers I had for my healthy baby changed when I realized maybe that wasn’t to be God’s will, so I prayed instead that God take him home before he had to have any suffering on this earth. I have finally come out of the hopelessness and self-frustration/blame that I can now see a light, or you could call it purpose and realize that God is so loving, He is comforting me through this, and perhaps allowing my pain so it can be used to help others experiencing this loss.
I grew up with babies and children around me and by the time I was sixteen I knew without a doubt that if there was one thing in my lifetime I wanted, I wanted to be a mommy. So, all the times I was asked during my journey of infertility when would I have a baby and my husband would reply we’re still practicing I would silently cry inside fearing something was so fundamentally flawed with my body or I was being punished for some sin I wasn’t aware. For my early losses, nobody could even fathom how great a desire I had to be a mother. “In our day we didn’t even know we were pregnant until we felt movement.” With a body so regular since the age of nine and the desire I had to be a mother, I was so happy for the medical advancements since then, so I would at least know because it was verified at home, I knew even if I didn’t speak about it because pregnancy loss is such a taboo topic. My early losses may not be a loss to you, but they were a great loss for me. Although the technical term is Chemical Pregnancy because they were prior to 5 weeks or being seen on ultrasound they were still miscarriages aka pregnancy losses.
Comments that appear to be so simple when made by the commenter sting. How can this even bother you, it’s not like you were full term? Really, so to you what warrants acknowledgement of life and loss has a different meaning to you. Obviously, you have not had the personal experience and for that I’m grateful because I can tell you the pain of having to face the cold reality that the child you hoped and prayed for will never play at your side is a grueling one to face. Perhaps our loss of Ean wasn’t as significant to some because he was only 13w2d when his heart stopped. Having to wait for hours to have the dreadful confirmation that your baby’s heart is no longer beating begins to rip everything away. All the questions go through your mind and you wonder what did I do to cause this because the very first thing I did that I now hear many mothers do is blame myself and second guess every decision made, every bit of care or lack of care given during pregnancy. Then I was left to know the life I had carried inside me had died and I was left with every anxious filled second not knowing if my body was going to start rejecting his body or how long I would carry the lifeless body. Turns out for me that answer was four, four very long question filled days because that is when labor was induced.
I saw a post today and it hit me hard. It was like any pregnancy or pregnancy loss prior to 5 weeks held less value. When this shows up in social media, what would I put for prior to 5 weeks and what denotes a loss? I suppose the angel baby emoji may cover it, but it irritates and hurts at the lack of understanding that life at any stage is important even if only to the mother that held that life in her womb for even a fleeting time. Everyday I’m faced with the reality of how much of a stigma pregnancy loss has behind it.
Comments I have also heard that are unhelpful:
“I think you enjoy drama and being the victim.” No, I don’t and that’s not the reason why I am sharing my experiences with you. Maybe this commenter is the wrong audience, but I will speak up for the many women that have gone through this and have been left to feel insignificant and unheard. “At least you didn’t lose your baby during or after born.” While the pain of that would be unbearable in my eyes the pain of losing a baby at any stage significant it is still painful beyond comprehension for those never having to experience this loss of life and loss of the dreams you had for the child. “At least you know you can get pregnant, you can try again.” Yes, and for that life I am grateful though the pain of losing that life and all hopes for any future outside of being in Heaven with that baby are now gone. Lord willing, I can try again but that is not guaranteed so please don’t put that anxiety back into my head because even once I’m pregnant again I’ll always wonder if it’s God’s will that I carry the baby full term and raise to adulthood. “Be thankful for the children you already have.” This statement seems ridiculous to me, of course I’m thankful for the children I already have, and I always will be. That doesn’t change the fact that I had hoped to have the other children with me and will still grieve their absence while looking forward to the day we are together again in Heaven. “Why would you even want another child?” Why wouldn’t I want another child is what I ask in response to that. Your family may be perfect with no children or maybe not until you have twelve children but that is a personal decision. For me children are a blessing from God and they are sent for a purpose. If God grants me the ability to have another to love, train and raise for His glory I will be thrilled. Yes, I desire another child and while that is a desire I have, I am also aware that God’s will is going to determine that, and I leave it in His hands so if His answer is no I can have peace knowing our family and children will still make an impact for Him.
Something I’ve battled with all my life is opening up and sharing experiences I’ve had whether they be good or bad. Sometimes it’s the ever desire for privacy that gets to me and sometimes I think my time in the USAF just reinforced the constant drive to keep everything to myself. What has stopped me so often is fear: fearing people wouldn’t understand my pain or point of view, fearing I’ll be seen as an attention seeker, fearing others would be judged more harshly for their involvement or lack of involvement, and fearing I’ll be seen as weak or less than others. Over time however I have come to expand my understanding of everything happening for a reason to realize that sharing my experiences can help others realize they are not alone. I have been through so much in my lifetime that at times I have wondered why and for what purpose. I know there are times the struggles are brought on as a direct consequence of poor decisions so it’s for a lesson I need to learn. Then there are those struggles that are brought on through no fault of my own that if I were to choose I could become bitter and locked in my own pain. Though I struggle and fumble and have at times held to the hurt and anger towards those that have done me wrong I have ultimately forgiven and come to an understanding that holding on only hurts me as they have moved on without a care or concern and often have denied any wrongdoing. During one particularly rough time I went through a few years ago I struggled and asked God why, why didn’t He prevent what had happened because I knew full well He could have prevented it. Then I understood, people have free will and He won’t stop them from their sins even though it could prevent one of His own children from hurting just as He hadn’t forced me to stop during the times I have sinned and caused hurt to others. It’s all in how you continue afterward and if you choose to learn and use it for good or continue wallowing, be bitter and hardened to others. I have come to the realization that though I have faced many struggles and many times had difficulty coming through to a better understanding that because of my struggles I am made stronger, and I can use them to help others know they are not alone. In my struggles I have a deeper understanding of pain experienced and I’m more able to say I understand that pain; though everyone experiences things differently and I can never say I know exactly how anyone feels I can lend a listening ear and say I hear you and know it hurts. I know my thoughts are not new or haven’t ever been thought by someone else and there are probably multiple writings out there to anything I may write but perhaps one person will come across mine when they wouldn’t another. I am still learning how to verbalize as often that is still difficult, so I have chosen to write as it helps me, and it helps others. So, I share my experiences past or present, not to change anyone’s viewpoint or to say I am full of knowledge because I am still learning and sometimes struggling, I’m not seeking attention for myself, but I am raising awareness for the struggles of many and I’m certainly not attempting to villainize anyone. I have chosen to share because I hope to let anyone that may read what I write know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
3 sets of feet on Pregnancy & Infant Loss Ribbon ornament and 3 babies laying in angel wings on our mantle.
During my grieving and healing process I made a discovery, one I have long known but pushed away because it was too hard to bear. The discovery was that I needed to face the pain and acknowledge all my losses. I needed to give voice to that which I silently mourned and didn’t talk about because my losses were not verified by a doctor. As the years passed I didn’t feel I fit with mothers of loss because mine were so early and when a family member went through hers I didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to sound like I was minimizing her experience by mentioning mine. My heart hurts for all the mothers that lose a baby at any stage, from the moment you realize you’re pregnant everything changes and you imagine how life will be. Then the day comes when it’s ripped away and you’re left with heartache, questions and pain from every dream lost once your baby dies. I have had 3 known losses possibly more before I began closely tracking my cycle while try to have a baby.
My first loss was in 1999. We had decided we didn’t want to start a family right away so I started low dose birth control pills 3-4 months prior to our wedding so my body would have time to adjust properly. I did well with them and regularly cycled just as the pills were set for me to. Until one cycle I had bleeding right in the middle which typically indicates implantation bleeding in a normal cycle. However due to the birth control the lining of my uterus must not have been thick enough to sustain pregnancy and I had a very painful and abnormal with clots period. The pain and confusion of it happening while on birth control was too much for me to process. I now acknowledge it was a early miscarriage at 4.5 weeks. At the time I felt guilt and confusion because it happened when I was trying to prevent pregnancy and I felt like I had essentially killed our baby. I didn’t talk to anyone about it because it was just to painful to accept and I was afraid people would refuse to see it as a baby I lost and just say it was just an abnormal period. I pushed the terribleness of it all to the side, continued moving forward and completely immersed myself in newly married life.
Our second loss was early 2002 after we had been trying to conceive for over a year. It had been quite some time with taking supplements and trying to get timing just right. My cycle was always very regular so I realized my period was about 3-4 days late and took a pregnancy test around 6pm. I was surprised to see a faint line on a brand of test I had always seen glaring negatives so I was going to test again in the morning in hopes of seeing a darker line I could use to announce my pregnancy. I would have been 4.5 weeks. Around 9-11pm horrible cramping started followed by a heavy flow of bright red blood with clots. I didn’t even bother retesting in the morning. My way of not dealing with the emotions, I dismissed it as a faulty test and rationalized it as a late period. I didn’t tell anyone of the loss I was experiencing and bottled it inside. We would just try again next month maybe that would be the month I would get pregnant and stay pregnant, it wasn’t.
Battling infertility and being disappointed at seeing negative tests month after month it was too much for me, it in it’s own way was
a loss each month, loss of hope. It took going to the doctor getting testing done and told to track basal body temperature and about 9 months after my loss I was pregnant and went full term with a handsome, healthy baby boy born September 2003.
I was diagnosed with secondary infertility when we ttc again. I charted for months and just wasn’t getting pregnant. My husband went on deployment and I continued talking my temperature every morning before moving or getting out of bed. Due to stress my cycle was long and I wondered if I would ovulate, he returned home on day 42 of my cycle and I ovulated day 46. It took 18mo to get pregnant but we had a beautiful, healthy little girl born almost 6 weeks early in June 2006.
I had my tubes tied after that pregnancy because I was scared of having losses, unexpected pregnancy or not being able to physically keep up. I ended up having a rare reaction called Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome and the symptoms were debilitating. I tried all kinds of medications to alleviate the symptoms but they didn’t help and often made it worse in other ways. The only fix was surgery to clear up adhesions from cesareans and to put my body back the way God intended by reattaching the tubes. Surgery wasn’t covered by insurance so I finally paid out of pocket and had it done August 2015.
Even before surgery our children were asking for another sibling even though they were already years older. I had wanted another child for a while and Hubby had brought it up a few times in the year before surgery. So we said pray about it and we will see what God says maybe yes, no or not now especially with my past infertility. I conceived Nov 2015. With low dose aspirin, progesterone along with prenatal vitamins and lots of prayer I had a beautiful healthy baby girl born full term in August 2016.
Many are aware that we were suddenly confronted by the loss of our baby during my pregnancy. He was a miracle baby I had just had one cycle after I stopped breastfeeding and then on the day of ovulation I asked hubby if he wanted to make our May baby boy. All it took was one time. The early spotting I had was resolved with extra progesterone. I had nausea and difficulty eating but otherwise no problems but I continually prayed for our baby and started to pray that if the baby wasn't going to be healthy or would struggle and suffer that God would take him home and spare him (I thought I was having a boy). It wasn’t until I was induced on October 30, 2017 in a hospital delivery room much like the one I had been in August 2016 that we learned baby was a perfectly formed little boy. He was 13w2d when his heart stopped beating and I delivered him at 13w6d. I was also on low dose aspirin, progesterone and prenatal vitamins. We were told if they took him for testing we wouldn’t be able to bury him so I’ll never know the exact cause of his death. Losing Ean was a horrific experience I would never wish on anyone. It really bothered me that we were rushed and had only given him a first name as that's the only one we knew for sure so a month later we decided on Ean Rigel. Ean: God is gracious, gift from God and Rigel: 7th brightest star in the sky (I nicknamed him my little star) and is the left foot of the Hunter, Orion Constellation. We were able to bury him so that is a comfort and I will have a birth certificate for fetal demise that will arrive in a few days, I had to ask for the hospital to do it because they don't automatically file one unless baby is 22 weeks and over 500grams but I'm happier knowing his life is legally documented. Mommy, Daddy, Brother and both Sisters were looking forward to his birth so a certificate will at least indicate acknowledgement by the state too.
I do not know what the gender would have been for our first two babies. So I nicknamed them Baby Wichita for the first and Baby Augusta for the second. They never lived long enough to have a heartbeat but they were still my babies regardless.
We have three living Children and three in Heaven. We will try again once my body and heart has healed more. Lord willing God will allow us another little one to raise for His glory, to love and fill our hearts and life with overwhelming joy.
For all those that haven’t already unfollowed me although I have been absent from blogging I post so much about loss on Facebook, thank you for bearing with me during this difficult season of life. For those that have unfollowed me and are seeing this sometime in the future, some topics are just too heavy for the point you’re at in life, I sincerely understand and I will get back into blogging. Fair warning it will probably be fairly heavy posts. It’s not even been two months yet that Ean went to be with Jesus and it feels like I have been trapped in my own personal eternity. I’ve lost so many this year and haven’t talked about it. 2017 has been a very heavy year for our family and myself. This loss will always weigh heavy but some days will be better and eventually it won’t be all consuming although it will still be ever present. Someday I’ll be able to not go into a sort of panic mode when I see someone I know or try to talk with them. I realize sometimes they’re dreading the awkwardness of me speaking of our loss of Ean but I’m also still emotionally raw and cannot speak much without the fountain of tears so I may only tiptoe away from the topic. Please understand someday I may talk about it and for now I don’t bring it up. I’m still healing but until I’m able to voice thoughts it’s ok if you mention Ean as it’ll bring a degree of comfort knowing his little life mattered and you care. One of the most honest and helpful things I’ve heard was “I’m so sorry, there are no words, I’m praying for you all”. I’m so thankful for my kiddos and I have tried to make sure they know they are loved and I’m trying to enjoy Christmas with them. I know Ean is worshiping Jesus with all our loved ones and the angels up in Heaven. Because of the greatest gift of all, salvation through Jesus, I can be assured we will be together again some day. I pray you all have a Merry Christmas and even in the difficult times you find light to guide you forward.
As we gather around to say Goodbye to you today
There are so many emotions words are hard for us to say
Only 96 days, your life was brief but each day was such a treasure
Mommy, Daddy, Brother and both Sisters loved you beyond measure
Grandparents, family and friends loved you and were eager to see your face
But today we all have to say farewell until we each finish our own race
Ean: God is Gracious and Gift From God is the meaning of your name
Though now you’re in Heaven our hopes and dreams for you are not the same
Although we try to remain strong our love spills out with each tear
But we are encouraged knowing you are forever with Jesus year after year
By God’s Grace you never knew suffering and from the cares of life you are free
And when we finally meet and embrace what a glorious day that will be!
November 4, 2017
“Mean what you say and say what you mean.” A saying I hear frequently but few actually do. Either individuals are fearfully people pleasing or low self-worth with a desire to appear important creates a vicious cycle where people speak or do things that aren’t really in alignment with the true individual they are on a daily basis. People don’t say what they really mean or really even give much thought to what they are saying. A conversation will start out with “It’s funny how…” yet they don’t think the situation is funny they are referring to something irritating to them that causes frustration. So what they really mean is “It’s so frustrating that…” because let’s face it we aren’t looking for someone to say they find it funny, we’re looking for someone to validate that they understand or agree with our point of view. Personally I’ve found that frequently the trouble isn’t always ALL me, though I’ll agree sometimes it is, instead the individual is projecting traits of themselves they dislike onto me yet the real trouble lies within themselves. So if it’s actually their issue why pick it up as if it’s mine because it’s not, even if I may have displayed even a hint of it in the past it’s not me. So, no thank you, I’m not going to accept it nor will I be able to influence the individual to release it so I’ll just let it be. Harshness isn’t authentic it’s just bullying, there’s always a way to share a differing opinion without being brutal. Love is gentle and kind not abusive. If I won’t allow someone to beat me physically why would I allow someone to mentally or emotionally beat me or belittle me; truthfully nobody should allow that. We all have struggles in our lives and often they are plentiful but sometimes we appear to be on easy street and just as we don’t want people to make false assumptions we also shouldn’t falsely assume we understand all the facets of someone's life. We shouldn’t have an over inflated sense of ego but we also shouldn’t be completely defeated. Find the value in yourself and if you can’t find it grasp hold of the value others see in you. Accept your flaws and try to better yourself but don’t allow anyone to devalue you.
What you don’t know
©2015 Helena C
There are secrets you wouldn't understand and don’t know.
The struggles I face they help me grow!
The ones I didn’t choose yet I’ve had to face,
Sometimes all alone and meant to be at my pace.
You think you know of all my pains,
Yet I do not speak of the awful chains.
The chains that held me; to keep me down.
The ones you placed on me to help me drown.
Yes, today I know the sins I had shared;
With a world that left me so utterly alone and scared.
I choose to look forward and continue to fight; a fight you are unable to believe or see.
The precious crimson blood that washed me clean, He shed His blood for me!
A price that for all mankind including myself was paid;
And at His feet my burdens have been laid!
Each day I reach to attain new heights;
I'll keep reaching although others may try to blur my sight.
I fall so often, yet I’ll complete this race!
I’m not perfect just saved by God’s amazing grace!!
20 Things Authentic People Do Differently
August 17, 2015 by Power of Positivity
When you meet authentic people living through their soul, and not choosing the scripted life that society tells us we must live, it almost feels like a part of you has become liberated, too. People living authentically show us that we can live by what ideals WE feel most drawn to, instead of those already set for us.
Granted, it does take a lot of inner work to understand who you truly are, beyond the limitations and boundaries that others insist we abide by, but the journey is truly worth it once you begin to see yourself clearly.
Are you living authentically or not? These signs will help you decide, and maybe invite you to find yourself a little more.
Here are 20 things authentic people do differently:
1. They voice their opinions clearly and firmly, even if others may not agree.
People who march to the beat of their own drum are used to others disagreeing with them; however, this doesn’t stop them from living the life that feels most fulfilling in their hearts.
2. Authentic people choose a career path that resonates with them, not one that everyone else believes is best.
They know that by doing what they love, instead of doing what pays the bills, they have unlocked a huge part of what it means to follow your bliss. They simply cannot spend a large part of their life doing something that makes them feel dead inside.
3. They bring their own energy to the world, instead of being influenced by others’ frequencies.
People living authentically can honor and respect others’ energies, without feeling affected by them
4. They don’t fear taking the path less traveled in life.
They feel comfortable taking their own road, even if they have to venture down it alone for a while
5. Authentic people have fallen in love with themselves, and wouldn’t want to be anyone else.
They have mended their wounds and treated their insecurities, and now know the bliss of truly loving themselves
6. They feel so comfortable with themselves, that they give others permission to be themselves, too.
They make others feel free without having to say a word. Their energy speaks for itself.
7. Authentic people do things their way, and usually don’t follow the crowd..even if it means not having as many friends.
They probably spend a lot of time alone, but they have learned to love their own company and really get to know themselves.
8. They don’t take comments or criticisms about themselves personally. They know that others may not like them, but as long as they love themselves, that’s all that truly matters.
When you love yourself, the whole world shifts its winds in your favor
9. They seek out friends and partners who value deep conversations and an emotional connection, not gossip or sensational news.
They just don’t have the energy for meaningless, hollow relationships any longer. They crave life-changing, beautiful relationships built on love, respect, and compassion.
10. Authentic people keep a positive outlook on life, even if they find themselves in tough situations.
A positive mind = a positive life.
11. They listen more, and talk less. Those living authentically know there’s much to be learned in silence.
Authentic people don’t usually like to gab too much about themselves. They would rather learn from others’ experiences.
12. Authentic people usually have some sort of daily ritual they follow, such as meditation or yoga, in order to remain centered and in touch with themselves.
Quiet time to connect with themselves is very important to them.
13. They love with all their heart, and never hold back how they feel just to keep others comfortable.
They aren’t afraid to offer their love to people, even if it means they might get hurt in the process.
14. Authentic people have a lot of self-confidence; they don’t hold back who they are.
To free yourself, you must be yourself.
15. They don’t wish anything bad on anyone; they truly want everyone to thrive in life and become the best versions of themselves.
They love everyone, because they have cultivated it within themselves.
16. Authentic people have moved past their egos, and live harmoniously with all life on Earth.
They don’t have to fight for their place here; they move through life with ease and grace.
17. They find beauty even in the most humble of places.
They know that your perspective determines your perception, and constantly work on balancing their own energies and creating a positive mindset.
18. People living authentically will never stay in a bad situation, even if leaving it means marching into the unknown.
They love themselves enough to get out of a negative situation, no matter how comfortable they once felt there.
19. Authentic people allow others to have opinions without getting offended by them.
They can tolerate others without their egos wanting to get the upperhand.
20. They see people for the souls that lie within, and hardly even notice people for their personal appearance any longer.
They notice people’s hearts and character before their physical appearance.
I've felt the overwhelming storm of emotions and the infinite nag of emptiness. I understand, I remember thinking and feeling I wouldn't even be missed and that I just wanted it all to end. Truth is you matter, you can't see it right now but you make an impact on others. Your life still has potential! Reach out and try to grab hold of some hope. You are strong, you've made it this far and you can keep going. It WILL get better. Reach out for help. Most importantly don't just go, stay. Make it through today, then tomorrow, then this week, then next week and continue going one day at a time. Sending love and light.
Since I've decided to start writing more often and I'm opening up my thoughts more publicly I thought I would share some of the more personal today.
For most of my life I've felt as though I didn't belong and struggled with finding any value within. For as long as I can remember I've been a listener more than a communicator. Sometimes I would just reassure that I understood the joy or pain the individual felt and sometimes I would offer advice or be a mediator in a disagreement. I've been through difficult and sometimes earth shattering experiences and though I've been shaken I eventually always try to find what is useful and learn to re-frame it for good. I've always been sensitive and sometimes I would unconsciously take on the emotions or moods of those I was around. When I see suffering and struggle I feel an intense sadness and pain; I want to help or fix the situation and I grow increasingly impatient with people that appear to show no mercy or offer compassion. I've never felt comfortable with conflict and have pushed aside my own thoughts and feelings in a futile attempt to keep the peace. Choices I've made in life have brought me both happiness and pain; at times others were hurt, which was never intended, and yet often I've been left with the guilt and knowledge there's little I could do to undo the damage.
Honestly there's nobody on earth just like me and there's no way I could be just like someone else. We all have our own experiences, thoughts, beliefs and emotions, we are all imperfect and have much to learn. But we are all valuable, we all have some part of us we can contribute to help others. Sometimes in helping others we are really helping ourselves because we learn and we grow. I strongly believe my victories and my failures can serve as a way to encourage others. Some may say I'm too sensitive in a way that indicates I'm flawed but I say I'm sensitive enough that it can be a strength. My hope and prayer is that by sharing my experiences, thoughts or emotions I can bring hope, peace and encouragement to others.
A friend said my words seemed to jump off the paper and offer a sense that I was there speaking and encouraged me to write saying I had an old soul and could offer wisdom to others. So here I am today writing and sharing with you. Do I have anything profound to share or do I believe I have all the answers to life? The answer to those questions end with a resounding no. I choose to share my thoughts and experiences as a way to offer a message: to those like me, you are not alone; to those that are vastly different the message, life is often messy don't shut your eyes to the struggles of others and don't deny that you have struggles of your own.
I'm a wife of 20 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 6 babies waiting for me up in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often broken and learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. You will find no condemnation from me. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings God has given both in happiness and pain. I don't have any formal education in Biblical Studies and I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life.