Uncertainty

I’m so sad. Right now, everything is in an unknown territory. We lost Ean and I delivered him October 30th. Through thought and prayer, we decided we were ready to start trying again so this month we gave it a good effort. I’m 9dpo (days past ovulation) and feeling at odds about possible pregnancy. I was so excited to try again and even had some hope. Unfortunately, at 2dpo my husband’s mom (Granny) died suddenly from a heart attack. At first, I thought oh this is horrible timing and wished that maybe we had continued waiting instead. Eventually I thought what better way to remember her if I were to be pregnant because I’d be due in October, her birthday was also in October. I’ve had the hormonal symptoms feeling pregnant because of the progesterone I’m on but of course all the early pregnancy tests so far have come back stark white negative. All the holding it under different lights running around looking in different rooms don’t change the result to show that line I’m able to imagine because I know where it should be. The thing is, now I’m almost terrified of being pregnant. Closer monitoring during pregnancy because of losing Ean would mean I’d need some help with the kids while I make that long drive to the doctor’s office however often it’ll need to be. I didn’t ask for help often but when I needed it Granny was always there and because I’m not one to feel comfortable asking she was the only one we could count on for help. It feels so alone like now our little family is on its own little island.