Remolding Clay
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So we’re getting ready to go to bed and I completely lost it, tears and panic. Hubby usually works Saturday’s but his supervision allowed him to take the day without pay because I’d be inducing for the missed miscarriage. It was a long day and took almost 6 hours after taking the medication for baby to deliver and then another 3-4 to steady out. Sunday I attempted to rest but still was lightheaded from blood loss and anxious about burial details. Thankfully Sunday we were given the approval to bury Riley Ember with Ean Rigel. Today the Funeral Home had a temporary grave marker ready for us by 9am free of charge. Since Mondays are a regular scheduled day off for my hubby he and our son went and dug the grave for precious little Riley Ember. We had a private service with just husband, kids and myself, I cried all the way home. So it was bedtime and I flipped out because I’ve barely had a chance to breathe or have my husband near by so the thought of him leaving for work felt like all oxygen had been sucked out of the room. I couldn’t even begin to think how I would make it through the day without him. So I asked him what does his supervision expect when they say just let us know if you need anything because honestly right now I need my husband with me. The company has bereavement days as applied to the passing of immediate family but these days do not apply for miscarriage. He sent his main supervisor a text telling him we buried our baby today and I’m not doing well and have requested him to be home tomorrow with me and asked if that was sufficient or if he needed to call in. His supervisor said the text would do and was sorry for our loss. I still don’t know if they will arrange this as a unpaid scheduled day off or if he will get a point for not working because he is out of time after all the appointments for baby and after our son attempted suicide. My heart is heavy, I feel lost, I feel like few even acknowledge the pain I am going through: physically, emotionally and spiritually. Mothers after a miscarriage seem to be alone and invisible.
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For those that have been there, thank you. All others I understand you’ll never comprehend this pain and for that I’m grateful. My hope is any grieving family after loss can have the support they desperately need.  |
Authentically ME
I'm a wife of 25 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 7 babies waiting for me in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often feel broken and I'm always learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. Though the ups and downs in this journey through life I have learned and am learning so much, I'll never stop learning. I hold myself to impossible standards yet I know I am imperfect and will keep trying, I keep dusting myself off and getting up to go again. I understand the uniqueness of every situation and person, I am ME and others are who they choose to be; I don't have to agree with you or you agree with me. I make no secret of my standards, do NOT harm children, do NOT destroy others health (physical, mental, spiritual or financial); that's my boundaries and what it takes to have access to me. If this is too much to ask feel free to move along and I let go with love and genuinely want the best for your present and future. Healing isn't a place of arrival, it's continuous, I have healed from many things and I am still healing; like an onion healing comes in layers, like the tides; healing comes in ebbs and flows. I love, I observe, I learn and forgetting the past/history leads to cycles of chaos and I refuse to forget and not remember; I will continue learning from the lessons. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings I have received both in happiness and pain. I don't have any licenses in Biblical Studies, or Health (physical, mental, spiritual, financial). I have background in military, health, service of others and individual trainings and research; I don't claim to be an expert on anything and I advise you to research and advocate for yourself as well as consult professionals. I'm sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life. Choose to remember but not fear, choose to enjoy the now and cherish priceless moments; look forward to changes knowing that lessons will come and more beautiful glimpses, love and joy are all available when you look closely at times from your past, moments within your present and the possibilities from your tomorrows. I am a survivor, I love deeply, I am a truth finder and I am a warrior, I am ME. Know you have strength, you have value, you are enough, you are worthy of peace and happiness, your boundaries are yours and it's okay to enforce them, you are loved, you are missed, you deserve support, your goodness to people and the world is noticed, you deserve to heal, your voice matters and you deserve to be seen and heard; best of all love yourself in your uniqueness flaws and all. 
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