Joy after loss...

Before getting too far into this, I’m pregnant, 5 weeks to be exact! Announcing pregnancy after loss becomes complicated with many emotions and leads to an uncertainty of wondering when the best time is to tell others. After just losing Ean in October, his heart stopped at 13w2d, and realizing how pregnancy isn’t permanent even once you get passed the 12 weeks, it is an odd feeling of wanting to protect from that heartache to being joyful and wanting to share the good news. This coupled with just losing Ma/Granny February 5th made the thought of ever announcing feel impossible because this loss was not just ours and how would this news feel to others still grieving her absence? We obviously didn’t know when we started trying this month that we would lose her, and I had already ovulated before she was gone. Prior to realizing I was in fact pregnant the thoughts of not trying again were already pouring in and maybe we would have stopped trying completely, possibly not, but we would have waited longer to allow more time to grieve. I don’t understand God’s timing, His plan or His ways but I do know He knew this was all going to happen just the way it did. She was always the first person my husband told and that realization she wasn’t here to tell anymore was sad, it was also slightly amusing to realize that this time she probably knew even before we did. I read a book on pregnancy after loss and the author mentioned that she regretted not celebrating the small milestones and wishes she had allowed herself to feel more hope and joy. This will likely be my last pregnancy and I remember wishing I had enjoyed my pregnancy with Ean more so that is what I’m going to try to do now. I’ve decided that although I am still sad and was ill prepared for the emotions I would be going through or even the moments where everything feels unreal, I am going to focus on the realization that Heaven is a better place and I can celebrate my joys even amongst the grief. I pray and ask others to pray that this baby is a healthy full-term baby. This is my daily focus: “Today is a new day. This is a new pregnancy. Pregnancy is a blessing for as many days as it will be. I will celebrate each new day with my baby. God is with me every step of the way and will help me through any outcome.”