When it hits, it hits hard
So we’re getting ready to go to bed and I completely lost it, tears and panic. Hubby usually works Saturday’s but his supervision allowed him to take the day without pay because I’d be inducing for the missed miscarriage. It was a long day and took almost 6 hours after taking the medication for baby to deliver and then another 3-4 to steady out. Sunday I attempted to rest but still was lightheaded from blood loss and anxious about burial details. Thankfully Sunday we were given the approval to bury Riley Ember with Ean Rigel. Today the Funeral Home had a temporary grave marker ready for us by 9am free of charge. Since Mondays are a regular scheduled day off for my hubby he and our son went and dug the grave for precious little Riley Ember. We had a private service with just husband, kids and myself, I cried all the way home. So it was bedtime and I flipped out because I’ve barely had a chance to breathe or have my husband near by so the thought of him leaving for work felt like all oxygen had been sucked out of the room. I couldn’t even begin to think how I would make it through the day without him. So I asked him what does his supervision expect when they say just let us know if you need anything because honestly right now I need my husband with me. The company has bereavement days as applied to the passing of immediate family but these days do not apply for miscarriage. He sent his main supervisor a text telling him we buried our baby today and I’m not doing well and have requested him to be home tomorrow with me and asked if that was sufficient or if he needed to call in. His supervisor said the text would do and was sorry for our loss. I still don’t know if they will arrange this as a unpaid scheduled day off or if he will get a point for not working because he is out of time after all the appointments for baby and after our son attempted suicide. My heart is heavy, I feel lost, I feel like few even acknowledge the pain I am going through: physically, emotionally and spiritually. Mothers after a miscarriage seem to be alone and invisible.
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I'm a wife of 20 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 6 babies waiting for me up in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often broken and learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. You will find no condemnation from me. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings God has given both in happiness and pain. I don't have any formal education in Biblical Studies and I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life.