Many women when attempting to conceive especially after difficulty learn to track their body’s symptoms, temperatures, use ovulation predictor tests and watch their body for any minute changes that can indicate pregnancy. Often followed by obsessive early pregnancy testing and checking it under multiple lights and tweaking tests through apps in an attempt to view that first faint line. Turns out after miscarriage much of the same is done except this time the obsessive testing comes with the hope of seeing that negative test and hoping to see the cycle return to what is normal prior to miscarriage. As it turns out every woman’s body is different which isn’t really all that surprising until you are still seeing a slight pink line 2 months 1 week and 2 days after miscarriage. Yes the further you are along in pregnancy when you have a loss the longer the hormone can remain, and 13w6d isn’t an early miscarriage but seriously that’s just concerning. Let me tell you, DO NOT go to google to search those possibilities because you’ll be left tossing and turning at night wondering if you in fact have that form of cancer from retained tissue that hopefully can be resolved with chemotherapy if caught “early enough”. When your body is already so far from what is “normal” that frightening possibility doesn’t seem all that unreasonable. So after contacting my Dr and asking how long it should reasonably take for hcg to drop I was asked to come in for a blood test. My results were less than 2...really less than 2, that’s negative, barely even a thought of hcg. Considering the test is close to the same as the very early positive I got with Ean I’m not sure what to think of this brand anymore. Until a couple years ago I wouldn’t rely on this test at all and actually refused to take them because the sensitivity wasn’t as good, at least from what I knew 12 years ago, others would show up first, and now it seems to be the earliest and yet the most unreliable. So I’d have to urge you, don’t trust the faint lines on the First Response Early Result Pregnancy Tests. Try another brand and if it’s negative it could still be early so test again in a couple days if you really think/hope you’re pregnant or haven’t had your expected period and hope you aren’t pregnant. If you know for a fact you have ovulated and it’s been 15 days after ovulation get a blood test and you’ll know for sure. I say 15 days because every woman is different and time between ovulation and period can be 10-14 days, sometimes shorter for women with luteal phase defect, but usually 14 days is the longest you’ll go unless you actually ovulated later than you thought. I can’t say for sure that in the future I’ll never give that brand another try because I’m a POAS (Pee On A Stick) addict but I can say with all certainty it won’t be one I absolutely trust and I may even share my negative review with the company because let’s face it getting false results is just plain disturbing.
Haven’t you mourned long enough, just get over it already. No, I’m not going to ever just get over it. What I have gone through has changed me from the very depths of who I am and though I always thought during every circumstance I have faced in life I couldn’t feel more deeply I always do. Grief is like a living thing it develops differently depending on circumstances and like an ocean it ebbs and flows. While sometimes I feel guilty because all those prayers I had for my healthy baby changed when I realized maybe that wasn’t to be God’s will, so I prayed instead that God take him home before he had to have any suffering on this earth. I have finally come out of the hopelessness and self-frustration/blame that I can now see a light, or you could call it purpose and realize that God is so loving, He is comforting me through this, and perhaps allowing my pain so it can be used to help others experiencing this loss.
I grew up with babies and children around me and by the time I was sixteen I knew without a doubt that if there was one thing in my lifetime I wanted, I wanted to be a mommy. So, all the times I was asked during my journey of infertility when would I have a baby and my husband would reply we’re still practicing I would silently cry inside fearing something was so fundamentally flawed with my body or I was being punished for some sin I wasn’t aware. For my early losses, nobody could even fathom how great a desire I had to be a mother. “In our day we didn’t even know we were pregnant until we felt movement.” With a body so regular since the age of nine and the desire I had to be a mother, I was so happy for the medical advancements since then, so I would at least know because it was verified at home, I knew even if I didn’t speak about it because pregnancy loss is such a taboo topic. My early losses may not be a loss to you, but they were a great loss for me. Although the technical term is Chemical Pregnancy because they were prior to 5 weeks or being seen on ultrasound they were still miscarriages aka pregnancy losses.
Comments that appear to be so simple when made by the commenter sting. How can this even bother you, it’s not like you were full term? Really, so to you what warrants acknowledgement of life and loss has a different meaning to you. Obviously, you have not had the personal experience and for that I’m grateful because I can tell you the pain of having to face the cold reality that the child you hoped and prayed for will never play at your side is a grueling one to face. Perhaps our loss of Ean wasn’t as significant to some because he was only 13w2d when his heart stopped. Having to wait for hours to have the dreadful confirmation that your baby’s heart is no longer beating begins to rip everything away. All the questions go through your mind and you wonder what did I do to cause this because the very first thing I did that I now hear many mothers do is blame myself and second guess every decision made, every bit of care or lack of care given during pregnancy. Then I was left to know the life I had carried inside me had died and I was left with every anxious filled second not knowing if my body was going to start rejecting his body or how long I would carry the lifeless body. Turns out for me that answer was four, four very long question filled days because that is when labor was induced.
I saw a post today and it hit me hard. It was like any pregnancy or pregnancy loss prior to 5 weeks held less value. When this shows up in social media, what would I put for prior to 5 weeks and what denotes a loss? I suppose the angel baby emoji may cover it, but it irritates and hurts at the lack of understanding that life at any stage is important even if only to the mother that held that life in her womb for even a fleeting time. Everyday I’m faced with the reality of how much of a stigma pregnancy loss has behind it.
Comments I have also heard that are unhelpful:
“I think you enjoy drama and being the victim.” No, I don’t and that’s not the reason why I am sharing my experiences with you. Maybe this commenter is the wrong audience, but I will speak up for the many women that have gone through this and have been left to feel insignificant and unheard. “At least you didn’t lose your baby during or after born.” While the pain of that would be unbearable in my eyes the pain of losing a baby at any stage significant it is still painful beyond comprehension for those never having to experience this loss of life and loss of the dreams you had for the child. “At least you know you can get pregnant, you can try again.” Yes, and for that life I am grateful though the pain of losing that life and all hopes for any future outside of being in Heaven with that baby are now gone. Lord willing, I can try again but that is not guaranteed so please don’t put that anxiety back into my head because even once I’m pregnant again I’ll always wonder if it’s God’s will that I carry the baby full term and raise to adulthood. “Be thankful for the children you already have.” This statement seems ridiculous to me, of course I’m thankful for the children I already have, and I always will be. That doesn’t change the fact that I had hoped to have the other children with me and will still grieve their absence while looking forward to the day we are together again in Heaven. “Why would you even want another child?” Why wouldn’t I want another child is what I ask in response to that. Your family may be perfect with no children or maybe not until you have twelve children but that is a personal decision. For me children are a blessing from God and they are sent for a purpose. If God grants me the ability to have another to love, train and raise for His glory I will be thrilled. Yes, I desire another child and while that is a desire I have, I am also aware that God’s will is going to determine that, and I leave it in His hands so if His answer is no I can have peace knowing our family and children will still make an impact for Him.
Something I’ve battled with all my life is opening up and sharing experiences I’ve had whether they be good or bad. Sometimes it’s the ever desire for privacy that gets to me and sometimes I think my time in the USAF just reinforced the constant drive to keep everything to myself. What has stopped me so often is fear: fearing people wouldn’t understand my pain or point of view, fearing I’ll be seen as an attention seeker, fearing others would be judged more harshly for their involvement or lack of involvement, and fearing I’ll be seen as weak or less than others. Over time however I have come to expand my understanding of everything happening for a reason to realize that sharing my experiences can help others realize they are not alone. I have been through so much in my lifetime that at times I have wondered why and for what purpose. I know there are times the struggles are brought on as a direct consequence of poor decisions so it’s for a lesson I need to learn. Then there are those struggles that are brought on through no fault of my own that if I were to choose I could become bitter and locked in my own pain. Though I struggle and fumble and have at times held to the hurt and anger towards those that have done me wrong I have ultimately forgiven and come to an understanding that holding on only hurts me as they have moved on without a care or concern and often have denied any wrongdoing. During one particularly rough time I went through a few years ago I struggled and asked God why, why didn’t He prevent what had happened because I knew full well He could have prevented it. Then I understood, people have free will and He won’t stop them from their sins even though it could prevent one of His own children from hurting just as He hadn’t forced me to stop during the times I have sinned and caused hurt to others. It’s all in how you continue afterward and if you choose to learn and use it for good or continue wallowing, be bitter and hardened to others. I have come to the realization that though I have faced many struggles and many times had difficulty coming through to a better understanding that because of my struggles I am made stronger, and I can use them to help others know they are not alone. In my struggles I have a deeper understanding of pain experienced and I’m more able to say I understand that pain; though everyone experiences things differently and I can never say I know exactly how anyone feels I can lend a listening ear and say I hear you and know it hurts. I know my thoughts are not new or haven’t ever been thought by someone else and there are probably multiple writings out there to anything I may write but perhaps one person will come across mine when they wouldn’t another. I am still learning how to verbalize as often that is still difficult, so I have chosen to write as it helps me, and it helps others. So, I share my experiences past or present, not to change anyone’s viewpoint or to say I am full of knowledge because I am still learning and sometimes struggling, I’m not seeking attention for myself, but I am raising awareness for the struggles of many and I’m certainly not attempting to villainize anyone. I have chosen to share because I hope to let anyone that may read what I write know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I'm a wife of 20 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 6 babies waiting for me up in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often broken and learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. You will find no condemnation from me. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings God has given both in happiness and pain. I don't have any formal education in Biblical Studies and I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life.