Before getting too far into this, I’m pregnant, 5 weeks to be exact! Announcing pregnancy after loss becomes complicated with many emotions and leads to an uncertainty of wondering when the best time is to tell others. After just losing Ean in October, his heart stopped at 13w2d, and realizing how pregnancy isn’t permanent even once you get passed the 12 weeks, it is an odd feeling of wanting to protect from that heartache to being joyful and wanting to share the good news. This coupled with just losing Ma/Granny February 5th made the thought of ever announcing feel impossible because this loss was not just ours and how would this news feel to others still grieving her absence? We obviously didn’t know when we started trying this month that we would lose her, and I had already ovulated before she was gone. Prior to realizing I was in fact pregnant the thoughts of not trying again were already pouring in and maybe we would have stopped trying completely, possibly not, but we would have waited longer to allow more time to grieve. I don’t understand God’s timing, His plan or His ways but I do know He knew this was all going to happen just the way it did. She was always the first person my husband told and that realization she wasn’t here to tell anymore was sad, it was also slightly amusing to realize that this time she probably knew even before we did. I read a book on pregnancy after loss and the author mentioned that she regretted not celebrating the small milestones and wishes she had allowed herself to feel more hope and joy. This will likely be my last pregnancy and I remember wishing I had enjoyed my pregnancy with Ean more so that is what I’m going to try to do now. I’ve decided that although I am still sad and was ill prepared for the emotions I would be going through or even the moments where everything feels unreal, I am going to focus on the realization that Heaven is a better place and I can celebrate my joys even amongst the grief. I pray and ask others to pray that this baby is a healthy full-term baby. This is my daily focus: “Today is a new day. This is a new pregnancy. Pregnancy is a blessing for as many days as it will be. I will celebrate each new day with my baby. God is with me every step of the way and will help me through any outcome.”
I’m so sad. Right now, everything is in an unknown territory. We lost Ean and I delivered him October 30th. Through thought and prayer, we decided we were ready to start trying again so this month we gave it a good effort. I’m 9dpo (days past ovulation) and feeling at odds about possible pregnancy. I was so excited to try again and even had some hope. Unfortunately, at 2dpo my husband’s mom (Granny) died suddenly from a heart attack. At first, I thought oh this is horrible timing and wished that maybe we had continued waiting instead. Eventually I thought what better way to remember her if I were to be pregnant because I’d be due in October, her birthday was also in October. I’ve had the hormonal symptoms feeling pregnant because of the progesterone I’m on but of course all the early pregnancy tests so far have come back stark white negative. All the holding it under different lights running around looking in different rooms don’t change the result to show that line I’m able to imagine because I know where it should be. The thing is, now I’m almost terrified of being pregnant. Closer monitoring during pregnancy because of losing Ean would mean I’d need some help with the kids while I make that long drive to the doctor’s office however often it’ll need to be. I didn’t ask for help often but when I needed it Granny was always there and because I’m not one to feel comfortable asking she was the only one we could count on for help. It feels so alone like now our little family is on its own little island.
I'm a wife of 20 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 6 babies waiting for me up in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often broken and learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. You will find no condemnation from me. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings God has given both in happiness and pain. I don't have any formal education in Biblical Studies and I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life.