I've felt the overwhelming storm of emotions and the infinite nag of emptiness. I understand, I remember thinking and feeling I wouldn't even be missed and that I just wanted it all to end. Truth is you matter, you can't see it right now but you make an impact on others. Your life still has potential! Reach out and try to grab hold of some hope. You are strong, you've made it this far and you can keep going. It WILL get better. Reach out for help. Most importantly don't just go, stay. Make it through today, then tomorrow, then this week, then next week and continue going one day at a time. Sending love and light.
Since I've decided to start writing more often and I'm opening up my thoughts more publicly I thought I would share some of the more personal today.
For most of my life I've felt as though I didn't belong and struggled with finding any value within. For as long as I can remember I've been a listener more than a communicator. Sometimes I would just reassure that I understood the joy or pain the individual felt and sometimes I would offer advice or be a mediator in a disagreement. I've been through difficult and sometimes earth shattering experiences and though I've been shaken I eventually always try to find what is useful and learn to re-frame it for good. I've always been sensitive and sometimes I would unconsciously take on the emotions or moods of those I was around. When I see suffering and struggle I feel an intense sadness and pain; I want to help or fix the situation and I grow increasingly impatient with people that appear to show no mercy or offer compassion. I've never felt comfortable with conflict and have pushed aside my own thoughts and feelings in a futile attempt to keep the peace. Choices I've made in life have brought me both happiness and pain; at times others were hurt, which was never intended, and yet often I've been left with the guilt and knowledge there's little I could do to undo the damage.
Honestly there's nobody on earth just like me and there's no way I could be just like someone else. We all have our own experiences, thoughts, beliefs and emotions, we are all imperfect and have much to learn. But we are all valuable, we all have some part of us we can contribute to help others. Sometimes in helping others we are really helping ourselves because we learn and we grow. I strongly believe my victories and my failures can serve as a way to encourage others. Some may say I'm too sensitive in a way that indicates I'm flawed but I say I'm sensitive enough that it can be a strength. My hope and prayer is that by sharing my experiences, thoughts or emotions I can bring hope, peace and encouragement to others.
A friend said my words seemed to jump off the paper and offer a sense that I was there speaking and encouraged me to write saying I had an old soul and could offer wisdom to others. So here I am today writing and sharing with you. Do I have anything profound to share or do I believe I have all the answers to life? The answer to those questions end with a resounding no. I choose to share my thoughts and experiences as a way to offer a message: to those like me, you are not alone; to those that are vastly different the message, life is often messy don't shut your eyes to the struggles of others and don't deny that you have struggles of your own.
I'm a wife of 20 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 6 babies waiting for me up in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often broken and learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. You will find no condemnation from me. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings God has given both in happiness and pain. I don't have any formal education in Biblical Studies and I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life.