Why I share

Something I’ve battled with all my life is opening up and sharing experiences I’ve had whether they be good or bad.  Sometimes it’s the ever desire for privacy that gets to me and sometimes I think my time in the USAF just reinforced the constant drive to keep everything to myself. What has stopped me so often is fear: fearing people wouldn’t understand my pain or point of view, fearing I’ll be seen as an attention seeker, fearing others would be judged more harshly for their involvement or lack of involvement, and fearing I’ll be seen as weak or less than others. Over time however I have come to expand my understanding of everything happening for a reason to realize that sharing my experiences can help others realize they are not alone.  I have been through so much in my lifetime that at times I have wondered why and for what purpose.  I know there are times the struggles are brought on as a direct consequence of poor decisions so it’s for a lesson I need to learn.  Then there are those struggles that are brought on through no fault of my own that if I were to choose I could become bitter and locked in my own pain.  Though I struggle and fumble and have at times held to the hurt and anger towards those that have done me wrong I have ultimately forgiven and come to an understanding that holding on only hurts me as they have moved on without a care or concern and often have denied any wrongdoing.  During one particularly rough time I went through a few years ago I struggled and asked God why, why didn’t He prevent what had happened because I knew full well He could have prevented it.  Then I understood, people have free will and He won’t stop them from their sins even though it could prevent one of His own children from hurting just as He hadn’t forced me to stop during the times I have sinned and caused hurt to others.  It’s all in how you continue afterward and if you choose to learn and use it for good or continue wallowing, be bitter and hardened to others.  I have come to the realization that though I have faced many struggles and many times had difficulty coming through to a better understanding that because of my struggles I am made stronger, and I can use them to help others know they are not alone.  In my struggles I have a deeper understanding of pain experienced and I’m more able to say I understand that pain; though everyone experiences things differently and I can never say I know exactly how anyone feels I can lend a listening ear and say I hear you and know it hurts.  I know my thoughts are not new or haven’t ever been thought by someone else and there are probably multiple writings out there to anything I may write but perhaps one person will come across mine when they wouldn’t another.  I am still learning how to verbalize as often that is still difficult, so I have chosen to write as it helps me, and it helps others.  So, I share my experiences past or present, not to change anyone’s viewpoint or to say I am full of knowledge because I am still learning and sometimes struggling, I’m not seeking attention for myself, but I am raising awareness for the struggles of many and I’m certainly not attempting to villainize anyone.  I have chosen to share because I hope to let anyone that may read what I write know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!