I remember when I was younger I heard someone say people don’t really want to hear what you know until you can first show them you care. I’ve always been told I’m a good listener and there are many times I’ve offered good advice although often it was just listening that was needed but you see in every situation I would think of how I felt and what I would have liked to hear if it were me. I’ve not always been so nice to myself and have said awful things for instance, “It’s no wonder nobody loves you, why would they”, “You’ll always be alone and misunderstood”, “You’re just a burden to others, why do you even try to continue on” and so many more things. Admitting it now I didn’t love myself much. Growing up I hated my hair, I hated the clothes I wore, I hated my name because it wasn’t the usual name, I hated my nose, I hated my whole appearance, I hated my lack of talent and as time went further on I would become more and more distant from people because of the horrible things said about me that were so far from my inner truth.
After struggling with infertility, I was convinced the universe or even God was against me. Every time my husband had to deploy we would have to learn how to reconnect and even then, we were on opposite shifts. I finally had my first child at the age of 23 and while I had some help from some great neighbors I considered friends I never felt comfortable enough asking for help or saying I was struggling. Postpartum depression hit hard and with some very scary and real health challenges that have developed into chronic illness I was convinced he would be better off with a different mommy. I had the plan in my head and irrationally thought my hubby could just get a new wife. Thankfully what stopped me was the fear that it wouldn’t be noticed early enough, and our son would die a painful death either through severe injury or malnutrition, so I reached out for help the only way I knew how. I was then met with a barrage of injuring words along with reassurances that I was selfish because they had to travel and use time off work and how could I not just be grateful enough for the sacrifices made for me. The anxiety and pain I’ve faced since while attempting to set healthy boundaries and speak up against hurtful things said throughout the years only to be labeled “too sensitive”, “drama causing” and “toxic” have brought great pain.
Those experiences with people as mentioned above have led to me to completely protect my heart with a wall and only sharing my pain through prayer or occasionally with my husband. I however seek to open my heart because I know great pain, I know deep dark despair, I know chaotic anxiety, I know intense pain in all levels of my body and soul. I’m posting this to share with you to not give up, do not give up, you are so valuable even though you cannot see it right now, you are loved more than you can feel or imagine, if you were not here on this earth you would be missed beyond an ability to measure.
In my lifetime I have experienced birth to a mother both physically and mentally disabled, I was never supposed to be possible and my biological father didn’t even know I existed until I was 24, physical and sexual abuse before the age of 3 and then adopted by family, sexual assault, stalking and rape, I reconnected with my biological mother at the age of 18 and had a difficult time connecting due to things I’d heard then I had to watch her deteriorate quickly during Christmas 2000 and watched her be buried Feb 2001 at the age of 20, fear of abandonment and at times actual abandonment, learning people once thought to be friends used me for monetary gain or just to have gossip material, I’ve had everything I could materially want and then had to watch while it was either taken or it had to be sold so we could feed our children, I’ve been accused of spending money unwisely when broke “just to have cable” when we didn’t even have cable and cut everything from our budget possible except a phone and my family of 4 lived in a 2 bedroom apartment (people can judge and be so harsh even when they don’t know the facts), I’ve experienced the loss of wonderful friends and had to watch their life slip away through the awful painful effects of Cancer, I’ve experienced the loss of 4 babies during pregnancy and have dealt with well-meaning or not so well-meaning comments from people that don’t understand, I’ve seen my older children struggle and felt so inadequate to help, I’ve seen adults make attacks on their character and spread gossip isolating them from others, I’ve had people attack every good quality about me and make it seem as if I were fake and say I was the vilest person around. I’ve had some support and then I’ve looked around desperately for support and found no one. I’ve had some good Christians build me up and some “good Christians” tear me down and have watched them tear apart countless others while they’re praised for how good they seem to be outwardly. I’ve had health with barely a headache or sickness once every few years and then I was faced with migraines sometimes daily, daily body pain, daily heart-rate and rhythm problems, hormone imbalances, adrenal fatigue. I’ve been depressed, I’ve been anxious, I’ve felt hopeless, I’ve felt alone, I’ve felt isolated, I’ve felt so much and experienced so many things I cannot even recount it all for this post.
To the you that feels life just can’t get any better and just when you think you’ve faced the worst you could possibly encounter along comes another situation that crumbles you to the very depth of your soul. I see you, I KNOW you, and I’ve been in your shoes, maybe not the exact shoes in the exact same situation. I’ve been in those shoes, the ones that feel like they are forever affixed to your feet, they don’t seem they’ll ever come off, they cause every part of your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual being intense pain and anxiety. Find someone to share your heart, a friend, family or stranger anyone just don’t try to struggle alone. Again, if there’s anything you come away with from this post, do not give up, DO NOT GIVE UP, you are so valuable even though you cannot see it right now, you are loved more than you can feel or imagine, if you were not here on this earth you would be missed beyond an ability to measure. You matter, you matter to me!
I'm a wife of 20 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 6 babies waiting for me up in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often broken and learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. You will find no condemnation from me. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings God has given both in happiness and pain. I don't have any formal education in Biblical Studies and I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life.