Remolding Clay
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THIS WEBSITE IS STILL BEING UPDATED, MUCH LOVE TO ALL!
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Our oldest daughter has such a tender heart. I was texting her and thanking her for helping me especially with so many of the rough days I’ve been having. I had said I felt like a failure of a mom because their life was different than those that don’t have a mom with chronic illnesses. This is her reply and I’ll do my very best to use it for daily inspiration. I love this girl of ours!! 
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Denial: "This can't be happening."
Everything seemed to be going so well it shouldn’t have happened again. (Pregnancy loss) My HCG levels were rising and my progesterone was good. (Pregnancy loss) We just saw her and she seemed to be doing ok. She just had her cataracts removed and was finally getting relief from knee pain. (Mother in law) How could she go downhill so fast? She said she wouldn’t leave me. (Friend) Maybe the heartbeat just wasn’t visible as well abdominal but will be fine. (Pregnancy loss) Anger: "Why is this happening to me?" Why didn’t she tell us she had chest pain and go to ER instead of waiting for morning, why didn’t the Dr advise immediate visit to ER? (Mother in law) She was in so much pain medication, I hope it didn’t make it worse, did she give up?(Friend) This was my rainbow baby why did I even conceive if God didn’t allow baby to be born healthy. (Pregnancy loss) Bargaining: "I will do anything to change this." I’ll take egg boosting supplements and do everything to make my body healthy for next time. (Pregnancy loss) Praying Lord make baby healthy or take home if baby would suffer but please let baby stay. (Pregnancy loss) Depression: "What's the point of going on after this loss?" I didn’t even have one single picture with my friend, why didn’t we take a picture sometime. I’ll never find a friend like her again. If only I had told her how much we loved her and how the family division hurt us but we understand why she kept her other family members happy. My kids missed so much and time can never be returned. I don’t understand why this happened again maybe I’m being punished or maybe I’m just not a good mom and the babies are better off in Heaven. I want to try again but I’m afraid of another loss and that will be our last baby. Acceptance: "I know what happened, and I can't change it. Now I need to cope." She was suffering and wanted to be in Heaven, now she has a perfect body and will never suffer again. (Friend) She always worried she would have Alzheimer’s like her mom so going to Heaven saved her from that possibility. (Mother in law) My babies were loved every minute and will never be forgotten. They are with Jesus and loved ones now and they never had to experience suffering. I will see them again someday. (Pregnancy loss) I’m physically unwell today, I’m so very hurt, broken and distraught. I’m so angry, ANGRY that time my children could have had with their Granny was stolen by those that claimed to “love” them. “They love our children”, yet they purposely push them away and said they didn’t even want to hear their names spoken, this is love? Direct quotes from our children: “They never treated us very good anyway and were nicer to strangers.”, “I just don’t understand, I’m standing there and I want so bad to ask for a hug while she’s hugging everyone else but she didn’t even say hi to me.”, “I sometimes stay awake at night not being able to sleep thinking to myself if I was the problem, if I was the one that caused my family to hate each other, if I could just disappear and see if that would work, almost every time it brings me to tears.” Finally after many years my kids may understand it’s not their fault but they cannot comprehend why they aren’t loved by family and I pray they heal. My heart is shattered knowing that they know and feel this and we have explained it was an issue between adults they were at no fault. These people made it difficult for our kids to have time with their Granny while trying to say they weren’t and placed the blame away from themselves saying it was a scheduling problem with the grandparents. My kids missed time with a Granny they loved and cherished! OUR kids were robbed and time can never be replaced!!
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Authentically ME
I'm a wife of 25 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 7 babies waiting for me in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often feel broken and I'm always learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. Though the ups and downs in this journey through life I have learned and am learning so much, I'll never stop learning. I hold myself to impossible standards yet I know I am imperfect and will keep trying, I keep dusting myself off and getting up to go again. I understand the uniqueness of every situation and person, I am ME and others are who they choose to be; I don't have to agree with you or you agree with me. I make no secret of my standards, do NOT harm children, do NOT destroy others health (physical, mental, spiritual or financial); that's my boundaries and what it takes to have access to me. If this is too much to ask feel free to move along and I let go with love and genuinely want the best for your present and future. Healing isn't a place of arrival, it's continuous, I have healed from many things and I am still healing; like an onion healing comes in layers, like the tides; healing comes in ebbs and flows. I love, I observe, I learn and forgetting the past/history leads to cycles of chaos and I refuse to forget and not remember; I will continue learning from the lessons. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings I have received both in happiness and pain. I don't have any licenses in Biblical Studies, or Health (physical, mental, spiritual, financial). I have background in military, health, service of others and individual trainings and research; I don't claim to be an expert on anything and I advise you to research and advocate for yourself as well as consult professionals. I'm sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life. Choose to remember but not fear, choose to enjoy the now and cherish priceless moments; look forward to changes knowing that lessons will come and more beautiful glimpses, love and joy are all available when you look closely at times from your past, moments within your present and the possibilities from your tomorrows. I am a survivor, I love deeply, I am a truth finder and I am a warrior, I am ME. Know you have strength, you have value, you are enough, you are worthy of peace and happiness, your boundaries are yours and it's okay to enforce them, you are loved, you are missed, you deserve support, your goodness to people and the world is noticed, you deserve to heal, your voice matters and you deserve to be seen and heard; best of all love yourself in your uniqueness flaws and all. 
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