I had planned on sharing our good news with everyone on Sunday, but plans change, sometimes quicker than you could ever imagine. I was preparing to let everyone know we would be having a baby in September 2020 because yes, I’m pregnant. Unfortunately, lab work has confirmed the baby is not continuing to develop so now I wait until I am no longer pregnant. I’ve heard it said when a woman is pregnant they know they are pregnant; that a woman is either pregnant or she’s not because you can’t be just a little bit pregnant. Imagine how I feel about these statements regarding pregnancy. The first thing I’d like to point out is when a woman is battling with her fertility and she hopes to be pregnant every month but she has to wait for that time from ovulation to either her period or positive pregnancy test, so she does not know if she is pregnant. Technically I am in fact pregnant, but my baby isn’t developing. So yes, I’m pregnant but our baby isn’t developing so many wouldn’t agree I’m even pregnant. Since right now I’m only 4w4d pregnant waiting for my body to miscarry it’s so early many would say “you were barely even pregnant”. All I know is this baby was wanted so very much, we were so joyful, and we had so many thoughts and dreams already of the future of our baby. It’s crushing to have to say no I’m sorry there is no hope, there’s no way it’ll just get better, this baby won’t be born alive in September. This loss is felt by me of course, I am carrying the baby in my womb and have spent every moment from discovering I was pregnant thinking of our lives together. What many may not understand is the loss is also felt by my husband and children, they already began carrying the baby in their thoughts and hearts imaging our lives together with baby. Our family is grieving in our own way for the baby we will not meet in September. 1 in 4, Miscarriage is always more than a statistic, our family is the 1 in 4 right now. For now I continue to wait for the miscarriage and official end to my pregnancy.
I'm a wife of 20 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 6 babies waiting for me up in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often broken and learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. You will find no condemnation from me. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings God has given both in happiness and pain. I don't have any formal education in Biblical Studies and I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life.