I don’t wait to announce pregnancy because I want to celebrate the life of my baby no matter how short or long it may be. I appreciate the prayers received for myself and baby during pregnancy and needed the support after the losses. The magical 12 weeks is false, Ean was 13w2d when his heart stopped. Women need support and be able to share.
My Missing Peace
October 22, 2018 · My losses are something I have spoken of a lot about because I believe it is something worth talking about but after seeing a post telling someone to wait until 12 weeks to announce their pregnancy, I had to speak out for all the women/families out there.
There seems to be this rule that we should wait until 12 weeks to announce our pregnancies to make sure we are passed the 'safe' stage :( I am still unsure why this is (One thing I have learnt through all of this is there is no safe stage ). Is it because in 2018 we are still telling women that a miscarriage is something they should deal with alone or is it us as a society that is so uncomfortable with loss that we prefer not to hear about it? Have we not spoken about it for so long that we have no idea how too?
Well I was waiting, I was waiting to post my announcement! That post never came I found out I had lost my baby at 9 1/2 weeks. I told the people that knew, that were close to me but still so many people didn't know. I didn't know how to face the world when my baby had just been taken from me. I lost my closest friends at the same time and felt so alone. All I wanted to do was scream from the roof tops my baby was here!!! I wish I had announced my pregnancy and told people my baby existed. Even though I was early our baby was so loved. I announced I was pregnant to my now husband at our family photos so I could capture his reaction, this was going to be our announcement but I waited and it was the announcement that I never got to share. A baby is loved from the very beginning and if you want to tell the world on the day you found out go ahead because if you do happen to be the #1in4 you should not have to go through it alone! #breakingthesilence
You can all announce when ever YOU want to and if that means waiting then that's your choice! But this 12 week rule needs to stop!!! Women shouldn't have to explain why they want to announce before then and society needs to STOP telling women they should suffer their miscarriages in silence. I have had enough of it!
We must allow those who want the extra support if something happened to be comfortable to announce their baby!
I am calling it....
The 12 week rule is COMPLETE BULLSHIT, announce when ever the hell you want to, to who ever you want! It may be just family and close friends or it may be the whole world but don't let society make you feel like you should hide or grieve alone.
Grief is different for everyone and no matter what stage of pregnancy or how old the baby is families will grieve. Do not offer “at least” statements or expect them to start or stop grieving based on any timeline.
October 17, 2018 · In twenty minutes, a mother who has been laboring, in pain, terror, disbelief and anguish, will give one final push, and her silent, stillborn baby will be born.
In twenty minutes, a father, shocked, in horror and in terrible amazement, will watch as his lifeless child, perfect but still, is carefully swaddled.
He will watch as the doctor awkwardly and uncomfortably asks his distraught, grief stricken wife if she wants to hold this unmoving bundle of bleach smelled blanket and lifeless form.
The mother, wet from tears, sweat and blood, will be shaking, broken, overwhelmed, and will, with uncertainty, recieve her baby in her arms. Both parents will feel ill-prepared and terribly alone.
In twenty minutes, this baby’s older brother, a surviving sibling, will face weeks, maybe months of distraction and mood swings from his parents. He will wonder why mom is crying, or shouting, or throwing things for no reason. He will wonder why dad doesn’t come home from work on time anymore or why he yells at him or his mom or why his dad retreats so often to tinker in the garage.
Yes, in fifteen minutes now, an ill-prepared loved one will soon tell this mother not to worry, because at least she has the older child.
Still another ill-prepared loved one will think to tell the parents that they can try again.
The distraught father will try to protect the mother from the mounting pain, anger, confusion and devastation. He will try to minimize his grief in an effort to minimize hers.
The baby who is born will not need a carseat. Returning home from the hospital, the birth will be unmarked by visitors bringing the family a warm meal.
Verily, in twelve minutes, a volcano of emotion, tension, and destruction will be brewing in these parents hearts.
The mother will wonder why everyone she knows and loves are demanding her to be so unloyal to her feelings of sadness and loss.
She will turn against those she loves as she retreats internally, trying to lick her own wounds while filling with resentment at being ignored and overlooked.
The surviving sibling – remember him? In ten minutes, he will not know it, but the family plan to attend church this Sunday will be vanished.
After a weekend of hiding quietly in his bedroom, listening to the sounds of wailing, hushed whispers and shouting from his parents, he will return to school on Monday, confused and lonely. He will wonder if his friends think he is weird, if his parents were bad, or if he somehow hurt his mom and killed his little sister.
He will begin to wonder if his parents love him. Or if they even should.
It is true; in five minutes, each person in the family will question God, will question life, will question purpose.
They will feel that others around them are rushing them to move on and forget. Forget that their child is not alive.
They will feel that others around them don’t want them to count their child. That because nobody else knew their child, that their child doesn’t count.
These parents, this mother and father, will look upon that bundle wrapped in a hospital blanket, and will wonder if they should push it away.
They will imagine – for just a moment – that pushing that bundle away, not looking, not touching, will help them move on faster.
Will help them forget. People they know will reflect this sentiment, time and time again, in the months and years to come.
But in three minutes, their hearts will be so heavy that they won’t be able to move. They will be held there, in that moment, holding their lifeless baby.
In the United States alone,
600,000 mothers endure pregnancy loss through miscarriage
26,000 mothers endure pregnancy loss through stillbirth
71 mothers today will give birth to a stillborn baby. 71 families will be changed forever, their spiritual health, relational health, marital health and even physical health will all be threatened. Illness and injury manifesting as silenced grief will affect each member of the family, causing time off of work, time out of school, and time stolen from family bonding. All 71 of these families need to know that they are not alone. That there is hope. That there is healing. That there is stillbirthday.
Every twenty minutes a stillborn baby is born, in the US alone.
It is happening,
Tell your loved ones, your co-workers, your neighbors, your medical providers, your religious leaders, that pregnancy loss is still birth.
That the birth experience is only the beginning of a lifelong process of living in grief, a lifelong quest to make sense of it and to find your place within it. That even the earliest miscarriage deserves to be honored as the birth, and the death, that it is. Tell them, tell them now:
A pregnancy loss is still a birthday.
Top left corner is a Molly Bear, it’s a weighted bear sent to families after a loss, I believe it’s free but I donated. The top right is a plaque I bought made for Ean Rigel and a Bear they send out free to families after a loss, I donated to that one too and it’s called Project B.E.A.R. Picture on the bottom we made after the loss of Ean and placed a piece of his blanket inside then I made a bandana of part of Riley’s blanket after his loss. She decided she was taking Brother Bear to church with her that day so I didn’t argue.
Day 9 of memories and sharing. This is some very special jewelry of mine. The two 4 sided have names of all our children, the one with blessed has the names of our 3 living children. Infinity ring is all the birthstones, hand stamped circular necklace for Ean and due month charm, star and moon holds dirt from Ean & Riley’s grave, Butterfly was gift from Papa & Granny, I love butterflies and it reminds me of our babies in Heaven. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
I thought for sure I saw the faintest of faint line on earlier morning pregnancy test. This reminds me of the fertility battle where every negative test or sudden period start would all include a sense of loss. A loss of that hope, a lose of the possibility. Many may never understand it but when you are trying to have another baby you even know when you would be "due" and you begin to imagine the stages of growth. Because we had been sick my fertility chart miscalculated and showed I was only 9 days past ovulation. As soon as my husband came home from church I was excited to take another test, I was sure this time it would show a decent line. Instead when I sat on the toilet I was greeted with bright red blood (sorry if too graphic) but this quickly reminded me of my miscarriages so I silently began to freak out in my head. I looked closer at my chart then discarded higher temps from when daughter was sick before the rest of us and it changed the calculation to 12 days past ovulation and that's about usual for my cycle. This cycle doesn't seem usual possibly because I was sick. This month is a difficult month as October 9th is Ma/Granny's Birthday but this year she is spending it in Heaven. We were given the confirmation that Ean Rigel's heart stopped on Oct 27th and he was delivered Oct 30th. Riley Ember would have been due Oct 27th but we buried him in April. So onto another month we go praying God will give peace and guidance according to His time. I pray I will have a healthy full term pregnancy followed by a healthy full term baby.
I'm a wife of 20 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 6 babies waiting for me up in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often broken and learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. You will find no condemnation from me. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings God has given both in happiness and pain. I don't have any formal education in Biblical Studies and I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life.