Crushed Dream

I thought for sure I saw the faintest of faint line on earlier morning pregnancy test. This reminds me of the fertility battle where every negative test or sudden period start would all include a sense of loss. A loss of that hope, a lose of the possibility. Many may never understand it but when you are trying to have another baby you even know when you would be "due" and you begin to imagine the stages of growth. Because we had been sick my fertility chart miscalculated and showed I was only 9 days past ovulation. As soon as my husband came home from church I was excited to take another test, I was sure this time it would show a decent line. Instead when I sat on the toilet I was greeted with bright red blood (sorry if too graphic) but this quickly reminded me of my miscarriages so I silently began to freak out in my head. I looked closer at my chart then discarded higher temps from when daughter was sick before the rest of us and it changed the calculation to 12 days past ovulation and that's about usual for my cycle. This cycle doesn't seem usual possibly because I was sick. This month is a difficult month as October 9th is Ma/Granny's Birthday but this year she is spending it in Heaven. We were given the confirmation that Ean Rigel's heart stopped on Oct 27th and he was delivered Oct 30th. Riley Ember would have been due Oct 27th but we buried him in April. So onto another month we go praying God will give peace and guidance according to His time. I pray I will have a healthy full term pregnancy followed by a healthy full term baby.