I’ve cried while holding and have slept with this bear the past few nights. I made this Teddy Bear after our loss of Ean, I often call it my Ean bear but he will be renamed Brother Bear. Kira-Li wants to hold and hug him sometimes too. It has a piece of the blanket Ean was buried with inside and the scarf is a piece of the blanket buried with Riley, I still need to sew it so it doesn’t unravel.
It’s Mother’s Day and I’m so blessed and thankful for my children. It’s been 18 yrs 10mo since Baby Wichita went to Heaven. It’s been 16 yrs 1mo since Baby Augusta went to Heaven. AD is 14 yrs 7mo and he is with us. AJ is 11 yrs 10mo and she is with us. KM is 1yr 8mo and she is with us. It’s been 6mo 13 days since Ean Rigel was delivered, and he’s in Heaven. It’s been 29 days since Riley Ember was delivered and he’s in Heaven. It’s hard for me to think if Ean had been born on his due date I’d be celebrating Mother’s Day with a 12 day old baby. After he died I knew my arms would be empty but then I was pregnant and I looked forward to having the baby belly and feeling movement for Mother’s Day, I would have been 16w1d pregnant with Riley. This year I however do not hold a newborn in my arms and I do not have a baby in my womb. This is my first Mother’s Day after the loss of Ean and Riley and it’s bittersweet because I ache for what will never be but I also know I will see them again in Heaven and I celebrate the children I do still have with me. I can already feel the sadness in me today as I anticipate others post about their moms or are with them at church. I’m not able to travel much to see my mom (she just turned 70) she’s biologically my aunt but became my mom when I was 3 and she went on to adopt me, I do miss her. My biological mother and I regained contact when I was 18 and we communicated off and on but I was unaware how serious the bladder cancer had become, by Christmas 2000 it had metastasized throughout her body and she passed away February 5, 2001. On March 6, 2017 my best friend I’d occasionally call her Mama also went to be with the Lord. Most recently our family experienced a unexpected loss of Ma/Granny, my mother-in-law, she had a sudden heart attack February 5, 2018. All this loss and I am thankful for my time here on earth with my children but I’m becoming more and more ready to meet all my loved ones again in Heaven. I have three children to help me focus on the joy Mother’s Day contains but in my heart I still hurt for all the loved ones I’m missing.
Loss can often beget feelings of loss. Many women who lose their babies become suddenly afraid of losing everything else, be it their sanity, other relationships important to them, their faith in the world, or any hope for the future.
I'm a wife of 20 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 6 babies waiting for me up in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often broken and learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. You will find no condemnation from me. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings God has given both in happiness and pain. I don't have any formal education in Biblical Studies and I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life.