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I’ve cried while holding and have slept with this bear the past few nights. I made this Teddy Bear after our loss of Ean, I often call it my Ean bear but he will be renamed Brother Bear. Kira-Li wants to hold and hug him sometimes too. It has a piece of the blanket Ean was buried with inside and the scarf is a piece of the blanket buried with Riley, I still need to sew it so it doesn’t unravel. 
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It’s Mother’s Day and I’m so blessed and thankful for my children. It’s been 18 yrs 10mo since Baby Wichita went to Heaven. It’s been 16 yrs 1mo since Baby Augusta went to Heaven. AD is 14 yrs 7mo and he is with us. AJ is 11 yrs 10mo and she is with us. KM is 1yr 8mo and she is with us. It’s been 6mo 13 days since Ean Rigel was delivered, and he’s in Heaven. It’s been 29 days since Riley Ember was delivered and he’s in Heaven. It’s hard for me to think if Ean had been born on his due date I’d be celebrating Mother’s Day with a 12 day old baby. After he died I knew my arms would be empty but then I was pregnant and I looked forward to having the baby belly and feeling movement for Mother’s Day, I would have been 16w1d pregnant with Riley. This year I however do not hold a newborn in my arms and I do not have a baby in my womb. This is my first Mother’s Day after the loss of Ean and Riley and it’s bittersweet because I ache for what will never be but I also know I will see them again in Heaven and I celebrate the children I do still have with me. I can already feel the sadness in me today as I anticipate others post about their moms or are with them at church. I’m not able to travel much to see my mom (she just turned 70) she’s biologically my aunt but became my mom when I was 3 and she went on to adopt me, I do miss her. My biological mother and I regained contact when I was 18 and we communicated off and on but I was unaware how serious the bladder cancer had become, by Christmas 2000 it had metastasized throughout her body and she passed away February 5, 2001. On March 6, 2017 my best friend I’d occasionally call her Mama also went to be with the Lord. Most recently our family experienced a unexpected loss of Ma/Granny, my mother-in-law, she had a sudden heart attack February 5, 2018. All this loss and I am thankful for my time here on earth with my children but I’m becoming more and more ready to meet all my loved ones again in Heaven. I have three children to help me focus on the joy Mother’s Day contains but in my heart I still hurt for all the loved ones I’m missing. 
Loss can often beget feelings of loss. Many women who lose their babies become suddenly afraid of losing everything else, be it their sanity, other relationships important to them, their faith in the world, or any hope for the future.
https://postpartumprogress.com/13-things-you-should-know-about-grief-after-miscarriage-or-baby-loss
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Authentically ME
I'm a wife of 25 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 7 babies waiting for me in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often feel broken and I'm always learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. Though the ups and downs in this journey through life I have learned and am learning so much, I'll never stop learning. I hold myself to impossible standards yet I know I am imperfect and will keep trying, I keep dusting myself off and getting up to go again. I understand the uniqueness of every situation and person, I am ME and others are who they choose to be; I don't have to agree with you or you agree with me. I make no secret of my standards, do NOT harm children, do NOT destroy others health (physical, mental, spiritual or financial); that's my boundaries and what it takes to have access to me. If this is too much to ask feel free to move along and I let go with love and genuinely want the best for your present and future. Healing isn't a place of arrival, it's continuous, I have healed from many things and I am still healing; like an onion healing comes in layers, like the tides; healing comes in ebbs and flows. I love, I observe, I learn and forgetting the past/history leads to cycles of chaos and I refuse to forget and not remember; I will continue learning from the lessons. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings I have received both in happiness and pain. I don't have any licenses in Biblical Studies, or Health (physical, mental, spiritual, financial). I have background in military, health, service of others and individual trainings and research; I don't claim to be an expert on anything and I advise you to research and advocate for yourself as well as consult professionals. I'm sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life. Choose to remember but not fear, choose to enjoy the now and cherish priceless moments; look forward to changes knowing that lessons will come and more beautiful glimpses, love and joy are all available when you look closely at times from your past, moments within your present and the possibilities from your tomorrows. I am a survivor, I love deeply, I am a truth finder and I am a warrior, I am ME. Know you have strength, you have value, you are enough, you are worthy of peace and happiness, your boundaries are yours and it's okay to enforce them, you are loved, you are missed, you deserve support, your goodness to people and the world is noticed, you deserve to heal, your voice matters and you deserve to be seen and heard; best of all love yourself in your uniqueness flaws and all. Archives
September 2024
Categories |
Remolding Clay
- Thoughts/Studies
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My Losses
- Why It’s Not “Just a Miscarriage”
- Ean Rigel (Blog)
- Riley Ember (Blog)
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Pictures (ONLY CLICK TABS IF YOU WANT TO SEE THEM. *Disclaimer: Images may be disturbing for some)
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- Pictures of Ean. He was not full term, he was 13w2d when his heart stopped and he stopped growing, he was born 13w6d.
- Pictures of Riley. He was 8w4d when his heart stopped and he stopped growing, and he was born at 12 weeks.
- Pics of Willow. She was 8w2d when her heart stopped and she stopped growing; she was born 10w6d.
- Never Forgotten Babies
- Praying For You
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