Please read.🍁🦋♾ “National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month occurs every October. During the entire month, we take time to honor and remember those who have lost a child during pregnancy or lost a child in infancy.”
I didn’t get these posted before bed. Thank you to my stealthy “photo spamming photographer” for taking pictures while we were just out and about😉😘.
October has always been a difficult month for me and I never could explain it well enough to anyone. I’ve always been a listener and as I’ve gotten older I can better communicate much of my experiences, both past and present, to those that are willing and want to hear the truth. I’ve known love and I’ve known loss, pure happiness and absolute destruction, I’ve looked forward to my tomorrows and back at many pasts, I’ve both laughed and cried with every fiber of my being. One thing I know is this life is not the end, nothing stays the same, we learn, we transform and time here on earth is only an illusion. Eternity means something different to everyone but for me ever since I was just a young child I’ve known a peace that comes amidst the storm, I’ve known JOY unspeakable and I’ve known without a doubt time is but an illusion.
Love, real love, never ever dies. Memories carry us through and keep our love alive. Our 4 babies, extended family, and friends already gone from us in body... We remember, I visit you in my dreams, I love you completely and I’ll see you in just a blink. 💗♾
If you’re struggling with everyday life or loss please be gentle with yourself and nurture yourself by ensuring you take care of your body, mind & soul. Love your family and cherish every moment of every moment; make today the best you can make of it and get back up knowing tomorrow is a new day and you can start again.
If everything is going well in your life please remember to have compassion for others. No matter what you see of their struggle and how tough you think it may or may not be be for them, you don’t really know until you’ve lived it. Remember and understand that your perception will always be different than another person’s point of view. Pain, loss, emotions and decisions will always be experienced differently both in length of time and how deeply it holds. Just listen, let be, pray, forgive if you need, be patient and love.
Much love to and for you all!!💗🌝🌞💫🌈🦋
Grieving Mama I see you!
Today is our baby Riley Ember’s 1st Birthday in Heaven.
When I was contemplating decorating the resting spot for his birthday I originally was going to put the toys by his marker then it hit me, I had two of each. Riley shares a resting spot with his brother Ean and honestly if they were living children they would each want their own of the same toy. I know, I know, they aren’t there physically, technically it’s not for them, it’s for me. I receive a small measure of comfort to think about my babies with their toys, to imagine them as they may have been and to think that in Heaven they must be laughing, singing and playing with other children.
Some would say because I never held my baby while in my arms alive surely my grief can’t be as great as theirs.
Some would say I never laughed and played with my baby so my heartache can never compare.
Some would say I don’t know the full loss of a child because my baby wasn’t born alive.
Some would say because I didn’t have to say goodbye after their first breath surely it’s not real grief.
To all these statements I somewhat agree, I never experienced these things, I never made it to those milestones, and yet just as other mothers held their hopes and dreams, I had mine. I imagined milestones, memories made and a future that slipped away with the last heartbeat of my baby.
Others would say well at least you know you can get pregnant, at least you made it that far in pregnancy, at least you saw your baby, at least you have a resting place for your baby, at least you have living children. I’ve felt those pains, I’ve agonized over trying to become pregnant and seen negative test after test, at one point I may have even thought those thoughts and I surely didn’t think I would ever face this type of loss. There is no at least, it still hurts, grief shouldn’t be compared.
I remember my babies and show my love in the ways I can. It’s different and not as accepted as it would be if my baby was still alive but that doesn’t change the love I’ve felt and will continue to feel.
In a world where our babies never born alive or have died shortly after we are encouraged to move on, it becomes awkward if we mention them, we are shamed if we remember them in ways that seem outside the “normal”, yet we love our babies just as fiercely and sometimes feel we have to struggle that much more to validate their life. In a world where you may feel silenced or alone, I see you Mama, today I hurt with you, I think of you and hold space for you.
Riley Ember’s heart stopped at 8w4d, but he was STILL born April 14, 2018 at 12w. I love you my precious baby, Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!
These weighted bears are just perfect to hold in remembrance of our babies Ean Rigel & Riley Ember. Kira-Li loves cuddling and rocking them. I call them Ean Bear and Riley Bear.
Came in the mail today. All our babies in Heaven.
Baby Wichita 4w3d (1999)
Baby Augusta 4w4d (2002)
Ean Rigel 13w2d (October 30, 2017)
Riley Ember 8w4d (April 14, 2018)
I do not understand why we have experienced so many losses. Ean was 13w3d when we were told his heart stopped the day before, at 13w2d, we were out of the common timeframe of worry for miscarriage. Two babies never made it to have a heartbeat in 1999 & 2002. We then battled infertility until the positive test and ultrasound confirmed I was pregnant with Ash, overjoyed with our healthy baby boy. Then we faced secondary infertility before I became pregnant with Arya and oh the heartbreaking time I experienced through others opinions. She was born early but strong. Kira-Li was conceived the cycle we could try after tubal reversal and has kept me in my toes since. We tried one time for Ean and he lived to 13w2d and we tried one cycle for Riley and he lived to 8w4d. We’ve been trying for 6 months and each month I see negative tests. I believe we have another baby waiting for the right time to join us so I’m praying for peace and when I do have another positive pregnancy test our baby grows, is healthy, and we will be given the opportunity to raise the baby to adulthood.
I'm a wife of 20 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 6 babies waiting for me up in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often broken and learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. You will find no condemnation from me. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings God has given both in happiness and pain. I don't have any formal education in Biblical Studies and I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life.