Happy 1st Riley

Grieving Mama I see you!
Today is our baby Riley Ember’s 1st Birthday in Heaven.
When I was contemplating decorating the resting spot for his birthday I originally was going to put the toys by his marker then it hit me, I had two of each. Riley shares a resting spot with his brother Ean and honestly if they were living children they would each want their own of the same toy. I know, I know, they aren’t there physically, technically it’s not for them, it’s for me. I receive a small measure of comfort to think about my babies with their toys, to imagine them as they may have been and to think that in Heaven they must be laughing, singing and playing with other children.
Some would say because I never held my baby while in my arms alive surely my grief can’t be as great as theirs.
Some would say I never laughed and played with my baby so my heartache can never compare.
Some would say I don’t know the full loss of a child because my baby wasn’t born alive.
Some would say because I didn’t have to say goodbye after their first breath surely it’s not real grief.
To all these statements I somewhat agree, I never experienced these things, I never made it to those milestones, and yet just as other mothers held their hopes and dreams, I had mine. I imagined milestones, memories made and a future that slipped away with the last heartbeat of my baby.
Others would say well at least you know you can get pregnant, at least you made it that far in pregnancy, at least you saw your baby, at least you have a resting place for your baby, at least you have living children. I’ve felt those pains, I’ve agonized over trying to become pregnant and seen negative test after test, at one point I may have even thought those thoughts and I surely didn’t think I would ever face this type of loss. There is no at least, it still hurts, grief shouldn’t be compared.
I remember my babies and show my love in the ways I can. It’s different and not as accepted as it would be if my baby was still alive but that doesn’t change the love I’ve felt and will continue to feel.
In a world where our babies never born alive or have died shortly after we are encouraged to move on, it becomes awkward if we mention them, we are shamed if we remember them in ways that seem outside the “normal”, yet we love our babies just as fiercely and sometimes feel we have to struggle that much more to validate their life. In a world where you may feel silenced or alone, I see you Mama, today I hurt with you, I think of you and hold space for you.
Riley Ember’s heart stopped at 8w4d, but he was STILL born April 14, 2018 at 12w. I love you my precious baby, Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!