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I do not understand why we have experienced so many losses. Ean was 13w3d when we were told his heart stopped the day before, at 13w2d, we were out of the common timeframe of worry for miscarriage. Two babies never made it to have a heartbeat in 1999 & 2002. We then battled infertility until the positive test and ultrasound confirmed I was pregnant with Ash, overjoyed with our healthy baby boy. Then we faced secondary infertility before I became pregnant with Arya and oh the heartbreaking time I experienced through others opinions. She was born early but strong. Kira-Li was conceived the cycle we could try after tubal reversal and has kept me in my toes since. We tried one time for Ean and he lived to 13w2d and we tried one cycle for Riley and he lived to 8w4d. We’ve been trying for 6 months and each month I see negative tests. I believe we have another baby waiting for the right time to join us so I’m praying for peace and when I do have another positive pregnancy test our baby grows, is healthy, and we will be given the opportunity to raise the baby to adulthood. 
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Authentically ME
I'm a wife of 25 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 7 babies waiting for me in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often feel broken and I'm always learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. Though the ups and downs in this journey through life I have learned and am learning so much, I'll never stop learning. I hold myself to impossible standards yet I know I am imperfect and will keep trying, I keep dusting myself off and getting up to go again. I understand the uniqueness of every situation and person, I am ME and others are who they choose to be; I don't have to agree with you or you agree with me. I make no secret of my standards, do NOT harm children, do NOT destroy others health (physical, mental, spiritual or financial); that's my boundaries and what it takes to have access to me. If this is too much to ask feel free to move along and I let go with love and genuinely want the best for your present and future. Healing isn't a place of arrival, it's continuous, I have healed from many things and I am still healing; like an onion healing comes in layers, like the tides; healing comes in ebbs and flows. I love, I observe, I learn and forgetting the past/history leads to cycles of chaos and I refuse to forget and not remember; I will continue learning from the lessons. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings I have received both in happiness and pain. I don't have any licenses in Biblical Studies, or Health (physical, mental, spiritual, financial). I have background in military, health, service of others and individual trainings and research; I don't claim to be an expert on anything and I advise you to research and advocate for yourself as well as consult professionals. I'm sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life. Choose to remember but not fear, choose to enjoy the now and cherish priceless moments; look forward to changes knowing that lessons will come and more beautiful glimpses, love and joy are all available when you look closely at times from your past, moments within your present and the possibilities from your tomorrows. I am a survivor, I love deeply, I am a truth finder and I am a warrior, I am ME. Know you have strength, you have value, you are enough, you are worthy of peace and happiness, your boundaries are yours and it's okay to enforce them, you are loved, you are missed, you deserve support, your goodness to people and the world is noticed, you deserve to heal, your voice matters and you deserve to be seen and heard; best of all love yourself in your uniqueness flaws and all. Archives
September 2024
Categories |
Remolding Clay
- Thoughts/Studies
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My Losses
- Why It’s Not “Just a Miscarriage”
- Ean Rigel (Blog)
- Riley Ember (Blog)
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Pictures (ONLY CLICK TABS IF YOU WANT TO SEE THEM. *Disclaimer: Images may be disturbing for some)
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- Pictures of Ean. He was not full term, he was 13w2d when his heart stopped and he stopped growing, he was born 13w6d.
- Pictures of Riley. He was 8w4d when his heart stopped and he stopped growing, and he was born at 12 weeks.
- Pics of Willow. She was 8w2d when her heart stopped and she stopped growing; she was born 10w6d.
- Never Forgotten Babies
- Praying For You
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