I thought for sure I saw the faintest of faint line on earlier morning pregnancy test. This reminds me of the fertility battle where every negative test or sudden period start would all include a sense of loss. A loss of that hope, a lose of the possibility. Many may never understand it but when you are trying to have another baby you even know when you would be "due" and you begin to imagine the stages of growth. Because we had been sick my fertility chart miscalculated and showed I was only 9 days past ovulation. As soon as my husband came home from church I was excited to take another test, I was sure this time it would show a decent line. Instead when I sat on the toilet I was greeted with bright red blood (sorry if too graphic) but this quickly reminded me of my miscarriages so I silently began to freak out in my head. I looked closer at my chart then discarded higher temps from when daughter was sick before the rest of us and it changed the calculation to 12 days past ovulation and that's about usual for my cycle. This cycle doesn't seem usual possibly because I was sick. This month is a difficult month as October 9th is Ma/Granny's Birthday but this year she is spending it in Heaven. We were given the confirmation that Ean Rigel's heart stopped on Oct 27th and he was delivered Oct 30th. Riley Ember would have been due Oct 27th but we buried him in April. So onto another month we go praying God will give peace and guidance according to His time. I pray I will have a healthy full term pregnancy followed by a healthy full term baby.
This is a raw moment I’m sharing with you all. Tomorrow starts the beginning of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This bear I call Brother Bear and I’m holding him and crying because I miss my babies. I had him made with a piece of blanket inside after the loss of our son Ean Rigel in October 2017. His heart stopped unexpected and unexplainably at 13w2d and medical induction at 13w6d. Then added the handkerchief made from blanket of son or daughter (I think son) Riley Ember who’s heart also stopped unexpectedly and unexplainably at 8w4d and was medically induced at 12 weeks in April 2018. We also had two very early losses in 1999 & 2002 before 5 weeks. They all were babies that I loved even if the world never understands or might think oh well you were barely even pregnant. You see I miss them, I miss the hope and dreams I had for their future, I miss seeing those two lines on the pregnancy test, the image on the ultrasound, I miss hearing their heartbeat, I miss putting my hands over my uterus knowing a new life was growing and developing, I miss the pregnancy congratulations, I miss the excitement my children had that they would have another sibling, I miss the joy and carefree idea that pregnancy would go well and result in a full term baby because why else would I receive this blessing or think “it couldn’t happen more than once to me”. Unfortunately however, 1 in 4 women have experienced this heartbreak and 1 in 5 pregnancies are miscarried. Allow families to celebrate as early or late as they choose. Every life deserves celebration regardless of how short their time and understand families need to grieve for the length of time and how they need. Understand that when someone brings up a child they no longer have with them on earth it isn’t to make you uncomfortable or get sympathy it’s their way of honoring that life and keeping the memory of their child alive as well as the only way they can continue showing their love for that child. I know I will meet my babies again, I know they will never face suffering and are at peace but that does not stop my love or keep me from occasionally feeling sad and yearning for what might have been. I am not a statistic, I have 3 wonderful children still with me here on this earth and 4 precious babies waiting on me in Heaven. Love and Hugs to all those families who have experienced the loss of their child!
Went to the graveyard today and put new flowers up at the graves. I’m not technically visiting my babies or Granny, I know they are up in Heaven but I do want their graves to look nice. I just feel it’s one way to continue showing how loved and thought of they are and anyone that looks will know they were important to someone.
|
Authentic HelenaI'm a wife of 20 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 6 babies waiting for me up in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often broken and learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. You will find no condemnation from me. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings God has given both in happiness and pain. I don't have any formal education in Biblical Studies and I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life. Archives
December 2019
Categories |