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Memories, past, present, future they all mesh together and I am grateful for them all!! 💗🦋  Please read.🍁🦋♾ “National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month occurs every October. During the entire month, we take time to honor and remember those who have lost a child during pregnancy or lost a child in infancy.” I didn’t get these posted before bed. Thank you to my stealthy “photo spamming photographer” for taking pictures while we were just out and about😉😘. October has always been a difficult month for me and I never could explain it well enough to anyone. I’ve always been a listener and as I’ve gotten older I can better communicate much of my experiences, both past and present, to those that are willing and want to hear the truth. I’ve known love and I’ve known loss, pure happiness and absolute destruction, I’ve looked forward to my tomorrows and back at many pasts, I’ve both laughed and cried with every fiber of my being. One thing I know is this life is not the end, nothing stays the same, we learn, we transform and time here on earth is only an illusion. Eternity means something different to everyone but for me ever since I was just a young child I’ve known a peace that comes amidst the storm, I’ve known JOY unspeakable and I’ve known without a doubt time is but an illusion. Love, real love, never ever dies. Memories carry us through and keep our love alive. Our 4 babies, extended family, and friends already gone from us in body... We remember, I visit you in my dreams, I love you completely and I’ll see you in just a blink. 💗♾ If you’re struggling with everyday life or loss please be gentle with yourself and nurture yourself by ensuring you take care of your body, mind & soul. Love your family and cherish every moment of every moment; make today the best you can make of it and get back up knowing tomorrow is a new day and you can start again. If everything is going well in your life please remember to have compassion for others. No matter what you see of their struggle and how tough you think it may or may not be be for them, you don’t really know until you’ve lived it. Remember and understand that your perception will always be different than another person’s point of view. Pain, loss, emotions and decisions will always be experienced differently both in length of time and how deeply it holds. Just listen, let be, pray, forgive if you need, be patient and love. Much love to and for you all!!💗🌝🌞💫🌈🦋   Grieving Mama I see you! Today is our baby Riley Ember’s 1st Birthday in Heaven. When I was contemplating decorating the resting spot for his birthday I originally was going to put the toys by his marker then it hit me, I had two of each. Riley shares a resting spot with his brother Ean and honestly if they were living children they would each want their own of the same toy. I know, I know, they aren’t there physically, technically it’s not for them, it’s for me. I receive a small measure of comfort to think about my babies with their toys, to imagine them as they may have been and to think that in Heaven they must be laughing, singing and playing with other children. Some would say because I never held my baby while in my arms alive surely my grief can’t be as great as theirs. Some would say I never laughed and played with my baby so my heartache can never compare. Some would say I don’t know the full loss of a child because my baby wasn’t born alive. Some would say because I didn’t have to say goodbye after their first breath surely it’s not real grief. To all these statements I somewhat agree, I never experienced these things, I never made it to those milestones, and yet just as other mothers held their hopes and dreams, I had mine. I imagined milestones, memories made and a future that slipped away with the last heartbeat of my baby. Others would say well at least you know you can get pregnant, at least you made it that far in pregnancy, at least you saw your baby, at least you have a resting place for your baby, at least you have living children. I’ve felt those pains, I’ve agonized over trying to become pregnant and seen negative test after test, at one point I may have even thought those thoughts and I surely didn’t think I would ever face this type of loss. There is no at least, it still hurts, grief shouldn’t be compared. I remember my babies and show my love in the ways I can. It’s different and not as accepted as it would be if my baby was still alive but that doesn’t change the love I’ve felt and will continue to feel. In a world where our babies never born alive or have died shortly after we are encouraged to move on, it becomes awkward if we mention them, we are shamed if we remember them in ways that seem outside the “normal”, yet we love our babies just as fiercely and sometimes feel we have to struggle that much more to validate their life. In a world where you may feel silenced or alone, I see you Mama, today I hurt with you, I think of you and hold space for you. Riley Ember’s heart stopped at 8w4d, but he was STILL born April 14, 2018 at 12w. I love you my precious baby, Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!   These weighted bears are just perfect to hold in remembrance of our babies Ean Rigel & Riley Ember. Kira-Li loves cuddling and rocking them. I call them Ean Bear and Riley Bear.  Came in the mail today. All our babies in Heaven. Baby Wichita 4w3d (1999) Baby Augusta 4w4d (2002) Ean Rigel 13w2d (October 30, 2017) Riley Ember 8w4d (April 14, 2018)  |
Authentically ME
I'm a wife of 25 years to a husband that consistently chooses to love me despite my flaws and a mother of 3 wonderful, loving and giving children. I have 7 babies waiting for me in Heaven. I'm imperfect, often feel broken and I'm always learning; you will see many aspects of what makes me the person I am throughout this blog. Though the ups and downs in this journey through life I have learned and am learning so much, I'll never stop learning. I hold myself to impossible standards yet I know I am imperfect and will keep trying, I keep dusting myself off and getting up to go again. I understand the uniqueness of every situation and person, I am ME and others are who they choose to be; I don't have to agree with you or you agree with me. I make no secret of my standards, do NOT harm children, do NOT destroy others health (physical, mental, spiritual or financial); that's my boundaries and what it takes to have access to me. If this is too much to ask feel free to move along and I let go with love and genuinely want the best for your present and future. Healing isn't a place of arrival, it's continuous, I have healed from many things and I am still healing; like an onion healing comes in layers, like the tides; healing comes in ebbs and flows. I love, I observe, I learn and forgetting the past/history leads to cycles of chaos and I refuse to forget and not remember; I will continue learning from the lessons. I have my fair share of problems and battles, I win some and lose some but by God's grace I'm continuing in the good fight. I'm attempting to live life authentically and I enjoy the many blessings I have received both in happiness and pain. I don't have any licenses in Biblical Studies, or Health (physical, mental, spiritual, financial). I have background in military, health, service of others and individual trainings and research; I don't claim to be an expert on anything and I advise you to research and advocate for yourself as well as consult professionals. I'm sharing experiences and lessons I am learning or trying to learn as I go through life. Choose to remember but not fear, choose to enjoy the now and cherish priceless moments; look forward to changes knowing that lessons will come and more beautiful glimpses, love and joy are all available when you look closely at times from your past, moments within your present and the possibilities from your tomorrows. I am a survivor, I love deeply, I am a truth finder and I am a warrior, I am ME. Know you have strength, you have value, you are enough, you are worthy of peace and happiness, your boundaries are yours and it's okay to enforce them, you are loved, you are missed, you deserve support, your goodness to people and the world is noticed, you deserve to heal, your voice matters and you deserve to be seen and heard; best of all love yourself in your uniqueness flaws and all. Archives
September 2024
Categories |
Remolding Clay
- Thoughts/Studies
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My Losses
- Why It’s Not “Just a Miscarriage”
- Ean Rigel (Blog)
- Riley Ember (Blog)
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Pictures (ONLY CLICK TABS IF YOU WANT TO SEE THEM. *Disclaimer: Images may be disturbing for some)
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- Pictures of Ean. He was not full term, he was 13w2d when his heart stopped and he stopped growing, he was born 13w6d.
- Pictures of Riley. He was 8w4d when his heart stopped and he stopped growing, and he was born at 12 weeks.
- Pics of Willow. She was 8w2d when her heart stopped and she stopped growing; she was born 10w6d.
- Never Forgotten Babies
- Praying For You
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