Got a call from Dr’s office today and she wants me to come in to discuss the labs and clotting issues. Getting some insight on any further testing or what may be different plan of care next pregnancy if it happens. She’s learned and studied after her multiple losses to have her miracle baby at 42. I’ll go Monday. Pray it goes well and I’ll actually be able to talk without turning into a sobbing mess.
Went to visit Ean’s grave. The winter flag blew away so I’ll get a new one soon. I’ll see you again my precious son. I love you!
Always in my mind but today candles are lit and I’m imagining that reunion day. This is one of the unspoken ways my husband knows it’s on my mind and I’m struggling.
Many women when attempting to conceive especially after difficulty learn to track their body’s symptoms, temperatures, use ovulation predictor tests and watch their body for any minute changes that can indicate pregnancy. Often followed by obsessive early pregnancy testing and checking it under multiple lights and tweaking tests through apps in an attempt to view that first faint line. Turns out after miscarriage much of the same is done except this time the obsessive testing comes with the hope of seeing that negative test and hoping to see the cycle return to what is normal prior to miscarriage. As it turns out every woman’s body is different which isn’t really all that surprising until you are still seeing a slight pink line 2 months 1 week and 2 days after miscarriage. Yes the further you are along in pregnancy when you have a loss the longer the hormone can remain, and 13w6d isn’t an early miscarriage but seriously that’s just concerning. Let me tell you, DO NOT go to google to search those possibilities because you’ll be left tossing and turning at night wondering if you in fact have that form of cancer from retained tissue that hopefully can be resolved with chemotherapy if caught “early enough”. When your body is already so far from what is “normal” that frightening possibility doesn’t seem all that unreasonable. So after contacting my Dr and asking how long it should reasonably take for hcg to drop I was asked to come in for a blood test. My results were less than 2...really less than 2, that’s negative, barely even a thought of hcg. Considering the test is close to the same as the very early positive I got with Ean I’m not sure what to think of this brand anymore. Until a couple years ago I wouldn’t rely on this test at all and actually refused to take them because the sensitivity wasn’t as good, at least from what I knew 12 years ago, others would show up first, and now it seems to be the earliest and yet the most unreliable. So I’d have to urge you, don’t trust the faint lines on the First Response Early Result Pregnancy Tests. Try another brand and if it’s negative it could still be early so test again in a couple days if you really think/hope you’re pregnant or haven’t had your expected period and hope you aren’t pregnant. If you know for a fact you have ovulated and it’s been 15 days after ovulation get a blood test and you’ll know for sure. I say 15 days because every woman is different and time between ovulation and period can be 10-14 days, sometimes shorter for women with luteal phase defect, but usually 14 days is the longest you’ll go unless you actually ovulated later than you thought. I can’t say for sure that in the future I’ll never give that brand another try because I’m a POAS (Pee On A Stick) addict but I can say with all certainty it won’t be one I absolutely trust and I may even share my negative review with the company because let’s face it getting false results is just plain disturbing.
Haven’t you mourned long enough, just get over it already. No, I’m not going to ever just get over it. What I have gone through has changed me from the very depths of who I am and though I always thought during every circumstance I have faced in life I couldn’t feel more deeply I always do. Grief is like a living thing it develops differently depending on circumstances and like an ocean it ebbs and flows. While sometimes I feel guilty because all those prayers I had for my healthy baby changed when I realized maybe that wasn’t to be God’s will, so I prayed instead that God take him home before he had to have any suffering on this earth. I have finally come out of the hopelessness and self-frustration/blame that I can now see a light, or you could call it purpose and realize that God is so loving, He is comforting me through this, and perhaps allowing my pain so it can be used to help others experiencing this loss.
I grew up with babies and children around me and by the time I was sixteen I knew without a doubt that if there was one thing in my lifetime I wanted, I wanted to be a mommy. So, all the times I was asked during my journey of infertility when would I have a baby and my husband would reply we’re still practicing I would silently cry inside fearing something was so fundamentally flawed with my body or I was being punished for some sin I wasn’t aware. For my early losses, nobody could even fathom how great a desire I had to be a mother. “In our day we didn’t even know we were pregnant until we felt movement.” With a body so regular since the age of nine and the desire I had to be a mother, I was so happy for the medical advancements since then, so I would at least know because it was verified at home, I knew even if I didn’t speak about it because pregnancy loss is such a taboo topic. My early losses may not be a loss to you, but they were a great loss for me. Although the technical term is Chemical Pregnancy because they were prior to 5 weeks or being seen on ultrasound they were still miscarriages aka pregnancy losses.
Comments that appear to be so simple when made by the commenter sting. How can this even bother you, it’s not like you were full term? Really, so to you what warrants acknowledgement of life and loss has a different meaning to you. Obviously, you have not had the personal experience and for that I’m grateful because I can tell you the pain of having to face the cold reality that the child you hoped and prayed for will never play at your side is a grueling one to face. Perhaps our loss of Ean wasn’t as significant to some because he was only 13w2d when his heart stopped. Having to wait for hours to have the dreadful confirmation that your baby’s heart is no longer beating begins to rip everything away. All the questions go through your mind and you wonder what did I do to cause this because the very first thing I did that I now hear many mothers do is blame myself and second guess every decision made, every bit of care or lack of care given during pregnancy. Then I was left to know the life I had carried inside me had died and I was left with every anxious filled second not knowing if my body was going to start rejecting his body or how long I would carry the lifeless body. Turns out for me that answer was four, four very long question filled days because that is when labor was induced.
I saw a post today and it hit me hard. It was like any pregnancy or pregnancy loss prior to 5 weeks held less value. When this shows up in social media, what would I put for prior to 5 weeks and what denotes a loss? I suppose the angel baby emoji may cover it, but it irritates and hurts at the lack of understanding that life at any stage is important even if only to the mother that held that life in her womb for even a fleeting time. Everyday I’m faced with the reality of how much of a stigma pregnancy loss has behind it.
Comments I have also heard that are unhelpful:
“I think you enjoy drama and being the victim.” No, I don’t and that’s not the reason why I am sharing my experiences with you. Maybe this commenter is the wrong audience, but I will speak up for the many women that have gone through this and have been left to feel insignificant and unheard. “At least you didn’t lose your baby during or after born.” While the pain of that would be unbearable in my eyes the pain of losing a baby at any stage significant it is still painful beyond comprehension for those never having to experience this loss of life and loss of the dreams you had for the child. “At least you know you can get pregnant, you can try again.” Yes, and for that life I am grateful though the pain of losing that life and all hopes for any future outside of being in Heaven with that baby are now gone. Lord willing, I can try again but that is not guaranteed so please don’t put that anxiety back into my head because even once I’m pregnant again I’ll always wonder if it’s God’s will that I carry the baby full term and raise to adulthood. “Be thankful for the children you already have.” This statement seems ridiculous to me, of course I’m thankful for the children I already have, and I always will be. That doesn’t change the fact that I had hoped to have the other children with me and will still grieve their absence while looking forward to the day we are together again in Heaven. “Why would you even want another child?” Why wouldn’t I want another child is what I ask in response to that. Your family may be perfect with no children or maybe not until you have twelve children but that is a personal decision. For me children are a blessing from God and they are sent for a purpose. If God grants me the ability to have another to love, train and raise for His glory I will be thrilled. Yes, I desire another child and while that is a desire I have, I am also aware that God’s will is going to determine that, and I leave it in His hands so if His answer is no I can have peace knowing our family and children will still make an impact for Him.
24 weeks and 2 days is how far along I would have been pregnant with Ean today. My dreams would have continued and I would have been buying the cute little boy clothes I see in the stores as I quickly pass by the baby section. Sometimes even going by them can really bother me and others I just feel numb as I pass on by. Instead I’m left wondering if the weather is too cold and windy for me to think about braving going to his grave to see if anything has blown away. It’s hard to believe it has been 2 months and 12 days since I saw his perfect little body, it seems like it was so long ago. His little life so many wouldn’t even consider significant and yet was so important to our family. Every week we would look at how developed he would be. The pregnancy app showed how big/tiny his little hands and feet were estimated and now his tiny hands and feet are forever etched in my my memory. Feet that would never run to kick a ball and hands that would never clap, oh those tiny arms that would never hold me back, I imagine giving him hugs. I know he will never know the suffering on this earth and is in Heaven in his perfect body and for that reason I can find comfort. One day we will finally meet and look at each other face to face. His life and now his absence continues to change me and regardless of time passed he will always be loved. I still grieve and I still love him, that is ok, that is normal and it doesn’t change the love I have for our children I still have with me or make them any less important. It just means that just because he isn’t with me though others that never knew him may never understand he will always be loved and his short life mattered.
So today I finally got a actual negative home pregnancy test instead of positives and very faint lines. 2 mo and 11 days after delivering Ean. I’ve never been so happy to see a negative test or tested for that purpose. I went in yesterday to get blood hcg levels drawn along with clotting factor testing so I’ll see what those say. Just happy my body is getting back to “normal”.
*Update: Other tests are still processing but HCG came back less than 2 so finally negative. I guess my body takes longer than most to process.
I’ll never forget being wheeled out of the delivery room in the early morning hours Tuesday, October 31st. I was being discharged and I was so tired from being awake for 24 hours with very little sleep since the Wednesday prior. I’m in the wheelchair holding onto the beautiful handmade wooden memory box they gave me and as we get ready to leave the floor a baby starts crying. I couldn’t help but tear up, on one hand I was happy for the family on the other side of that closed door but on the other I was so sad because in a few months I could have been hearing my baby cry. I was leaving the hospital not with a baby but with a wooden box I could store mementos of his life/death in. This coupled with the fact they were not allowing us to take him home for burial made it harder for me. Thankfully a Lady called from Chaplain Services on November 2nd and said she was sorry for the mix up and they would release Ean to us for burial.
For Dr review please. Follow up was not mentioned except the hospital discharge said to call a Dr if there were problems. We plan to give my body and emotions more time to heal and then will try again. My hcg level still isn’t down to zero according to home pregnancy tests and I know I’m not pregnant. I looked further into my past medical records and I think they were checking me for Lupus, one test on March 11, 2004 was PHOS LIPID IGG Result 37GPL, less than or = 12 GPL Neg, Greater than or = 13 GPL positive. I do not know if that has anything to do with pregnancy loss or not but I thought maybe it was worth mentioning. While processing my loss I was confronted with memories of my TTC journey with infertility and secondary infertility. This brought back memories from before my first child was born, I had suppressed/rationalized and I never mentioned because nothing was confirmed by a Dr but I had 2 very early losses at 4.5 weeks in 1999 & 2002, I’m guessing they would probably be considered chemical pregnancies and many don’t count them as pregnancies or miscarriages, I personally do now. I will be attaching pictures of the tests I’ve taken as well as my current basal body temperature charts, it shows the bbt and will show the bleeding and flow where the CM box is located H-heavy, M-medium, L-light and * is spotting. I know the office is closed until after the New Year. I would like to speak with Dr. over the phone if possible. I hope everyone from the office had very happy holidays.
Seriously why do I listen to people sometimes!?! Been a very frustrating and painful day. Two months to the day when Ean was induced because his heart stopped. So anyway I’m in a conversation with a lady about raising progesterone naturally and she recommended I get it checked prior to pregnancy to see if I even “need it”, isn’t that why I was tested during pregnancy!?! Levels before can be fine but during is what is critical. Then the conversation takes a turn and she’s trying to link me eating meat and the shots I had taken as the reason I lost Ean. Seriously no, if anything I could have been doing shots every week or twice a week and been fine, heck maybe I should have instead of the occasional shot with daily oral progesterone and topical progesterone. All progesterone I’ve taken is bioidentical. I was on low dose aspirin but with my clotting issues there’s a possibility there was a clot in the placenta but we’ll never know because that answer went right down the toilet, literally they flushed it because there was nothing to catch it. At first I thought it was a genetic abnormality but now I’ve seen some of my old labs I think it’s more a serious clotting issue along with MTHFR especially since this was a second trimester loss. I’m going to insist on more testing because if that’s the case and low dose aspirin isn’t enough to thin my blood during pregnancy then I’ll do what it takes. I don’t care if I have to get a daily shot of blood thinner in my belly along with weekly or twice weekly shots of progesterone in my hips I will not go through this again if it can be prevented. Oh and estrogen dominance is canceled with progesterone and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t dominant prior to this pregnancy just when I was battling infertility.
The weather is about to get a lot more cold out so I went to Ean's grave to bring the blue spruce "Christmas" tree home. We plan on planting it but may need to keep it watered and inside for a while until we get a patch of warmer weather come in. Cemeteries don't bother me typically but I was a little creeped out while sitting there tonight. There is a field right next to where he is buried and there may be cows in there but when I shined the flashlight I didn't see any eyes although it sounded close. My hubby said it was probably an armadillo because they can be very loud but they are close to the ground so I probably wouldn't have seen it through the grass. I could hear the neighbors kids out playing and laughing, it was somewhat bittersweet, unfortunately it didn't transfer the sound over when uploading the video.
3 sets of feet on Pregnancy & Infant Loss Ribbon ornament and 3 babies laying in angel wings on our mantle.
During my grieving and healing process I made a discovery, one I have long known but pushed away because it was too hard to bear. The discovery was that I needed to face the pain and acknowledge all my losses. I needed to give voice to that which I silently mourned and didn’t talk about because my losses were not verified by a doctor. As the years passed I didn’t feel I fit with mothers of loss because mine were so early and when a family member went through hers I didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to sound like I was minimizing her experience by mentioning mine. My heart hurts for all the mothers that lose a baby at any stage, from the moment you realize you’re pregnant everything changes and you imagine how life will be. Then the day comes when it’s ripped away and you’re left with heartache, questions and pain from every dream lost once your baby dies. I have had 3 known losses possibly more before I began closely tracking my cycle while try to have a baby.
My first loss was in 1999. We had decided we didn’t want to start a family right away so I started low dose birth control pills 3-4 months prior to our wedding so my body would have time to adjust properly. I did well with them and regularly cycled just as the pills were set for me to. Until one cycle I had bleeding right in the middle which typically indicates implantation bleeding in a normal cycle. However due to the birth control the lining of my uterus must not have been thick enough to sustain pregnancy and I had a very painful and abnormal with clots period. The pain and confusion of it happening while on birth control was too much for me to process. I now acknowledge it was a early miscarriage at 4.5 weeks. At the time I felt guilt and confusion because it happened when I was trying to prevent pregnancy and I felt like I had essentially killed our baby. I didn’t talk to anyone about it because it was just to painful to accept and I was afraid people would refuse to see it as a baby I lost and just say it was just an abnormal period. I pushed the terribleness of it all to the side, continued moving forward and completely immersed myself in newly married life.
Our second loss was early 2002 after we had been trying to conceive for over a year. It had been quite some time with taking supplements and trying to get timing just right. My cycle was always very regular so I realized my period was about 3-4 days late and took a pregnancy test around 6pm. I was surprised to see a faint line on a brand of test I had always seen glaring negatives so I was going to test again in the morning in hopes of seeing a darker line I could use to announce my pregnancy. I would have been 4.5 weeks. Around 9-11pm horrible cramping started followed by a heavy flow of bright red blood with clots. I didn’t even bother retesting in the morning. My way of not dealing with the emotions, I dismissed it as a faulty test and rationalized it as a late period. I didn’t tell anyone of the loss I was experiencing and bottled it inside. We would just try again next month maybe that would be the month I would get pregnant and stay pregnant, it wasn’t.
Battling infertility and being disappointed at seeing negative tests month after month it was too much for me, it in it’s own way was
a loss each month, loss of hope. It took going to the doctor getting testing done and told to track basal body temperature and about 9 months after my loss I was pregnant and went full term with a handsome, healthy baby boy born September 2003.
I was diagnosed with secondary infertility when we ttc again. I charted for months and just wasn’t getting pregnant. My husband went on deployment and I continued talking my temperature every morning before moving or getting out of bed. Due to stress my cycle was long and I wondered if I would ovulate, he returned home on day 42 of my cycle and I ovulated day 46. It took 18mo to get pregnant but we had a beautiful, healthy little girl born almost 6 weeks early in June 2006.
I had my tubes tied after that pregnancy because I was scared of having losses, unexpected pregnancy or not being able to physically keep up. I ended up having a rare reaction called Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome and the symptoms were debilitating. I tried all kinds of medications to alleviate the symptoms but they didn’t help and often made it worse in other ways. The only fix was surgery to clear up adhesions from cesareans and to put my body back the way God intended by reattaching the tubes. Surgery wasn’t covered by insurance so I finally paid out of pocket and had it done August 2015.
Even before surgery our children were asking for another sibling even though they were already years older. I had wanted another child for a while and Hubby had brought it up a few times in the year before surgery. So we said pray about it and we will see what God says maybe yes, no or not now especially with my past infertility. I conceived Nov 2015. With low dose aspirin, progesterone along with prenatal vitamins and lots of prayer I had a beautiful healthy baby girl born full term in August 2016.
Many are aware that we were suddenly confronted by the loss of our baby during my pregnancy. He was a miracle baby I had just had one cycle after I stopped breastfeeding and then on the day of ovulation I asked hubby if he wanted to make our May baby boy. All it took was one time. The early spotting I had was resolved with extra progesterone. I had nausea and difficulty eating but otherwise no problems but I continually prayed for our baby and started to pray that if the baby wasn't going to be healthy or would struggle and suffer that God would take him home and spare him (I thought I was having a boy). It wasn’t until I was induced on October 30, 2017 in a hospital delivery room much like the one I had been in August 2016 that we learned baby was a perfectly formed little boy. He was 13w2d when his heart stopped beating and I delivered him at 13w6d. I was also on low dose aspirin, progesterone and prenatal vitamins. We were told if they took him for testing we wouldn’t be able to bury him so I’ll never know the exact cause of his death. Losing Ean was a horrific experience I would never wish on anyone. It really bothered me that we were rushed and had only given him a first name as that's the only one we knew for sure so a month later we decided on Ean Rigel. Ean: God is gracious, gift from God and Rigel: 7th brightest star in the sky (I nicknamed him my little star) and is the left foot of the Hunter, Orion Constellation. We were able to bury him so that is a comfort and I will have a birth certificate for fetal demise that will arrive in a few days, I had to ask for the hospital to do it because they don't automatically file one unless baby is 22 weeks and over 500grams but I'm happier knowing his life is legally documented. Mommy, Daddy, Brother and both Sisters were looking forward to his birth so a certificate will at least indicate acknowledgement by the state too.
I do not know what the gender would have been for our first two babies. So I nicknamed them Baby Wichita for the first and Baby Augusta for the second. They never lived long enough to have a heartbeat but they were still my babies regardless.
We have three living Children and three in Heaven. We will try again once my body and heart has healed more. Lord willing God will allow us another little one to raise for His glory, to love and fill our hearts and life with overwhelming joy.
The hospital drama saga continues. I called Vital Records November 30th to get death certificate and hospital hadn’t submitted one. So I called hospital and she said she would have it sent over and would be ready in a couple weeks. I called the Vital Records Office again yesterday and the lady couldn’t find it then when she realized I was talking about a baby she looked at fetal deaths and said it was there and to order a birth certificate when I ordered for fetal demise. I made the order over the phone yesterday afternoon. I received a voicemail about an hour ago from Vital Records stating they couldn’t find the certificate. I called back and they asked me how to spell his name and I said Ean she said oh they have it misspelled. I told her I gave the hospital the right information and she said she would check into getting it fixed and would probably be calling me back. Ugh
Just received a call back from the Vital Statistic office and the Hospital had everything correct but spelled his name Eas not Ean, even she was unsure how that mistake occurred. The person at the hospital that needs to submit the correction is out of the office until next week. She will have to fill out the correction paperwork and mail it in to the Vital Statistic office and then they will get it corrected and sent out to me. She said to check back in a couple weeks if I haven't received it.
I didn't get out on Christmas day. So it was nice that a support group on Facebook in England released biodegradable petals in remembrance of pregnancy and infant loss with names of my babies on Christmas.
For all those that haven’t already unfollowed me although I post so much about loss thank you for bearing with me during this difficult season of life. For those that have unfollowed me and are seeing this sometime in the future, some topics are just too heavy for the point you’re at in life, I sincerely understand. It’s not even been two months yet that Ean went to be with Jesus and it feels like I have been trapped in my own personal eternity. I’ve lost so many this year and haven’t talked about it. 2017 has been a very heavy year for our family and myself. This loss will always weigh heavy but some days will be better and eventually it won’t be all consuming although it will still be ever present. Someday I’ll be able to not go into a sort of panic mode when I see someone I know or try to talk with them. I realize sometimes they’re dreading the awkwardness of me speaking of our loss of Ean but I’m also still emotionally raw and cannot speak much without the fountain of tears so I may only tiptoe away from the topic. Please understand someday I may talk about it and for now I don’t bring it up. I’m still healing but until I’m able to voice thoughts it’s ok if you mention Ean as it’ll bring a degree of comfort knowing his little life mattered and you care. One of the most honest and helpful things I’ve heard was “I’m so sorry, there are no words, I’m praying for you all”. I’m so thankful for my kiddos and I have tried to make sure they know they are loved and I’m trying to enjoy Christmas with them. I know Ean is worshipping Jesus with all our loved ones and the angels up in Heaven. Because of the greatest gift of all, salvation through Jesus, I can be assured we will be together again some day. I pray you all have a Merry Christmas and even in the difficult times you find light to guide you forward.
It’s so frustrating I get so unsettled I leave the bedroom. I was feeling like losing every microscopic bit of composure. I was upset about how this week has gone holiday wise and yes it hurts that I put effort into it and get met with bleh attitudes and logical reasoning. It hurts that only now is anyone thinking about me and I always put thought and effort into Christmas. I’m allowed to feel just a little put off. We lost our baby boy 7 weeks ago and the whole experience was completely traumatic for me, it was my body that failed it was my body that experienced the hours of contractions and blood gushing for weeks afterwards. It was so very hard to even have any enthusiasm for Christmas I honestly would prefer to hide away and hear everyone was happy. I should have been feeling Ean’s movements and telling him Merry Christmas I could have placed my hand on my belly to let him know mommy loved him very much. Instead I get to know that he is with Jesus but I’m left with so many questions I’ll never have answers. I at the least expected a bit of comfort from family but that was just totally stupid of me to hope for anything. I’m sad, I’m angry and I’m alone. Goodnight!
Well I’m not ever the typical patient. It’s just taking a while for hcg to drop and body to regulate but it’s getting there.
I love you Ean Rigel, I think of you everyday and miss you. Tell all my other loved ones up in Heaven that I love them and ask them to give you a hug and kiss from Mommy, Daddy, Brother and Sisters. Until we meet face to face I hold you in my heart and I’ll hug my bear pretending it’s you. Every night I hope to see you in my dreams. I love you my precious son!
The tree we put at Ean’s grave looks like a sad Charlie Brown tree but it’s alive and we are planting it at home after Christmas.
Precious Boy so loved by Mommy, Daddy, Brother and his two Sisters. He arrived in Heaven when his heart stopped at 13w2d on October 26, 2017. His body was delivered October 30, 2017 @ 10:30PM. He was 4.25in long and weighed 0.96oz. He was laid to rest November 4, 2017 @ 2PM. He will be forever loved and remembered. Ean Rigel is his first and middle name for privacy reasons last name is withheld.
Click to join Facebook group Remembering Ean Rigel, "My Bright Little Star", Pregnancy Loss Support.