Ordered this while on sale, sterling silver all genuine birthstones. I didn't get around to getting a family ring after our daughter was born and then wanted to wait until Ean was born so I'd have the right birthstone. It was originally scheduled to be delivered tomorrow but it was bittersweet receiving it today, God knew I needed a little extra joy today. A month ago today is when the ultrasound officially confirmed Ean's heart had stopped beating and he was in Heaven. Remembering all the firsts and lasts combined with what could have been then time being measured before and after is probably the hardest/strangest part about grieving.
So blessed by the sweet spirit of the lady at the doctor's office today. She shared that she had a scary postpartum experience and offered to give me the contact information of her friend that also lost a baby through miscarriage so I'd have someone to speak to that could empathize. I've been both sad and a little disheartened knowing that some I've personally known, having gone through the pain of losing a baby through miscarriage and have come to their place of healing, will not offer an attempt of showing empathy or any encouragement. Often I find myself pulling inward and building up walls even higher especially when I'm hurting. I've been attempting to speak up and share because I know what it's like to feel completely alone especially when certain experiences aren't talked about much. Sometimes the less than desirable people and circumstances in this life can shake my hope and faith that overall most people are good and caring. I'm grateful for those that are willing to share their stories of distressing times, those that also have been shaken to their core and are willing to reach out to someone even if they've just met because they have compassion due to the struggles they have faced. I'm also thankful for those that have reached out just to say they're thinking of us and praying. I know that through this when I come out on the other side I can be a listening ear, empathize and maybe be that someone to offer a little brightness during what feels utter darkness. I didn't exactly completely open up today but at least I dipped my toes in the water and was able to feel a little outward connection. Maybe not all days are good but I'm happy to have found a little good in the day and I thank God for comfort during the storm.
It's been a long three weeks with several bumps in the road. Every single day I cherish having our son and two daughters. I don't know if the why of having to say goodbye to Ean so soon will ever be known this side of Heaven. When you lose a baby you lose all the moments you imagined you would have with them and all the fun times they would have with their siblings, even the fights would be welcome. Though my heart is heavy I'm so thankful for all the blessings God has given and the reassurance we will see Ean again someday.
Went by the graveyard today and took away the dead flowers. It was hard walking to Ean's grave and then walking away.
Received the necklace I ordered today. I chose the green gem because Ean was Due May 1st. It's a beautiful reminder of my precious baby boy.
My hair has been growing since 2015 and I had planned to just continue letting it grow. I decided that since my hair will continue to grow why not donate in Memory of Ean. I chose Wigs 4 Kids because they will never charge the families for the wigs they provide for the children needing them.
I've been reading how some feel like they shouldn't feel such loss because it was early but I disagree any loss at any stage is painful. I personally didn't start grieving my losses until recently because people in my life just weren't supportive without Dr verification.
Everything had been going well heartbeat easy to find strong on ultrasound and no spotting but after being unable to locate it we had an ultrasound and I received the news on Oct 27th that there was no heartbeat I was 13w3d and baby measured 13w2d. I was induced Monday Oct 30th and had a baby boy we named Ean Rigel and were finally able to bury him Saturday, Nov 4th after some confusion with the hospital they finally released to funeral home.
I've had two other unconfirmed losses. One 18 years ago while on birth control I had implantation bleeding and then what I thought was a heavy period. Then the next was a couple years later while ttc and I took a test because my cycles were regular and I was a couple days late. The test showed a faint positive but just a few hours later I started what I thought was a heavy period, this was also a very very early miscarriage.
While yes I delivered at 13w6d it was a later loss and hit heavy it doesn't make the others any less painful and if anything they lead to other questions there's never going to be an answer for.
I would have been 15w1d pregnant with Ean today. I still instinctively place my hand over my uterus then realize it's empty, he's no longer there. I know he is in Heaven he's safe, happy and is very loved. It's hard to not get out my fetal doppler to listen to his little heartbeat and it hurts to know those little flutters I had felt are never going to turn into kicks. I'll never know if he would have had hair when he was born or the color of his hair and eyes. I'll never know what personality he would have had. Will he have been a daddy's boy, mommy's boy or preferred his brother or sisters? What would have been his first word or favorite food? These things I'll never know until we reunite in Heaven but I do know I'll forever love and think about Ean, my precious baby boy.
Ean, our precious baby boy, is now buried and that at least provides a measure of comfort. These past 10 days have been some of the hardest I've faced. I physically feel like I have hit a brick wall from all the emotions. Hubby has reassured me he's got everything taken care of and asked me to nap. He is such a loving husband and daddy! I'm so thankful for this little family of mine.
This bee landed on my hand while I was sitting at Ean's grave. It was pretty persistent about trying to get anything between my finger nails. Never tried to sting me it just kept walking around my hand until he was blown off, it sure felt odd though. Enjoyed having the little visitor though.
It's been a nightmare trying to get everything coordinated with the hospital but finally the funeral home should have Ean this afternoon. We plan to bury him 2PM tomorrow at cemetery close by. This is not a formal gravesite service but I have a prayer, poetry and scripture passage printed to share (won't be able to read it out loud). We will have a balloon for anyone that wants to release one. We are not sending out texts or asking anyone to come however if you want to you are welcome and you may share details with those we know. This has been very overwhelming for all of us and I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers.
I got a call from the Hospital Chaplain office today about 3pm apologizing for the confusion and told me they still had Ean. We had wanted to bring Ean home for burial but because our state has a law against burying even fetal remains on private land they were saying they couldn't release him to us and allow us to cross state lines with him. She said after speaking with their lawyers they could release him to us. So I called the first funeral home that came to mind, (those mail outs work), I was prepared to pay but they are providing casket and gravesite burial service free of charge (we don't want anything formal). I asked about cemetery sites and she mentioned one just 4 miles from our home. When I told my husband the name he said yes he knew exactly because that's where his Papa is buried. So I called them and they will also be providing a plot without charge, Hubby and I will be purchasing plots next to him. I'll call in the morning to verify we aren't going to run into any snags at the hospital but the funeral home will transport if needed for a very small fee. We'll go in and get arrangements made tomorrow and hopefully we can have the burial Saturday. I know his soul is in Heaven so burial location didn't really matter but I'm more at peace knowing he has his own location. The Resurrection Cemetery was just one big area all babies from the hospital are buried and it just bothered me the more I thought about it because the decision was a I have no other choice now and I wanted to go home and sleep.
Precious Boy so loved by Mommy, Daddy, Brother and his two Sisters. He arrived in Heaven when his heart stopped at 13w2d on October 26, 2017. His body was delivered October 30, 2017 @ 10:30PM. He was 4.25in long and weighed 0.96oz. He was laid to rest November 4, 2017 @ 2PM. He will be forever loved and remembered. Ean Rigel is his first and middle name for privacy reasons last name is withheld.
Click to join Facebook group Remembering Ean Rigel, "My Bright Little Star", Pregnancy Loss Support.