My precious son Ean,
You were wanted before you were even conceived, I longed for you and prayed for you. I would imagine each day we would have together and how much fun you’d have with your siblings especially KM, she would have claimed you as her baby. I do hope my constant complaining about the daily migraine and the all-day sickness didn’t make you feel unwanted. You were very much wanted! I prayed we would have a boy, I would have been just as happy and thrilled had you been a girl, you were the precious one chosen for us. When I said I wished pregnancy were easier I didn’t mean I didn’t want to be pregnant I just wanted to enjoy the time we had together. While I was sick I didn’t talk with you as much as I normally would have but I struggled to get through each day and after you were gone to Heaven grief made me blame myself. Oh, how you gave me such a gift when I felt the tiny little movement almost like you were reminding me you were with me or now that I look back perhaps that was your goodbye. I wanted you, I loved you and I counted down the moments until we’d meet. I would have given anything or done anything to have you healthy and to raise you, to see all your firsts. We knew each other more intimately than anyone else ever would but we didn’t get to meet while looking into each other’s eyes. Your heart stopped and then you opened your eyes in Heaven, oh how it comforts me to know that you opened your eyes to see Jesus and all the loved ones gone on before. When I was first pregnant I prayed you would be healthy and asked God to spare you if you were not but after we had made it to 8 weeks together I tried my hardest to reject any possibility you would or could leave us, at the time that I thought was faith. I know God has a plan and doesn’t seek permission, but I knew I needed to release you to His will and I prayed so fervently that He would let you stay with us but also that He spare you if you would have to suffer. I don’t know but maybe at that point you knew how much I loved you and perhaps you were grateful I also was willing to say goodbye for your greater good. I was so thankful I was at least able to see your perfect little body and I can imagine with more development you would have looked like your brother and sisters. My desire was to be with you but though that was not possible I am thankful for every heartbeat and second of the day we had together, I wouldn’t ask you to trade Heaven for earth. We will be together again, someday we will meet up again in Heaven and until then I can find the joy in knowing your eternal life is without pain or suffering. While we are apart you will always be loved, greatly missed and forever remembered. I love you my son and I look forward to being with you.
I have been wanting to get a picture of the star Rigel as seen from our house for a while and was finally able to get one tonight. This is Rigel from the Orion Constellation during the Blue Moon. Rigel is Ean’s middle name, the star, 7th brightest in the sky, can be easily seen on clear nights.
It’s been 3 months, feels like so long ago but the heartache sometimes feels fresh. I would have been 27 weeks pregnant today with just 13 short weeks to go. Ean Rigel was alive until his heart stopped at 13w2d. It has been 13w5d since his heart stopped and would have been due in 13 weeks. I love you my precious little Ean!
When everything gets quiet and everyone is asleep I'm left alone in my thoughts and emotions. I spend time in prayer and that eases the heartache but sometimes it's still is more difficult emotionally.
So happy to receive this in the mail today. I already have one bear on my mantle. I donated and requested two bears so one could be saved for our daughter when she’s old enough. I purchased the little metal plaque. Took the picture on a throw pillow for size reference, it’s perfect, not too big not too small.
So the hospital saga continues. I called Vital Records on November 30, 2017 to get the Birth/Death Certificate for Fetal Demise. I was told when I delivered Ean on October 30, 2017 that they were filing with the county which is one of the original reasons they stated for not being allowed to just release his body directly to us. The Vital Record Office looked and there was nothing so I called the hospital and was told it had to be requested because he wasn’t over 20 weeks. She said to give it a couple weeks to get done and sent in. So I called Vital Records again on December 26, 2017 and they said they had a record so I placed an order to get a copy. I received a call from the Vital Check office on December 27, 2017 saying they had a record but it was for Eas Rigel not Ean Rigel. So the Vital Record Office said they would have the hospital to do an amendment but I was contacted back saying the one person that does that was out of the office until after the New Year to give it until the second week of January to get the paperwork then they would get the certificate I ordered mailed to me. I called today January 26, 2018 and they found the amendment paperwork BUT the hospital put my name in the box for correction not Ean, my name was always correct and his was still listed as Eas. She is now going to resubmit the paperwork to the hospital already filled out correctly so all they need to do is sign. One thing after another. I’m wondering if they just don’t have experience with almost 14 week deliveries, policies for releasing the body and filing birth/death paperwork for that gestation. I am absolutely aware this paperwork isn’t a requirement for them and it doesn’t amount to much for most but I want that acknowledgment, Ean had life regardless of his gestation, he was not just products of conception or tissue. No, Ean was not the typical stillborn baby but he was still our baby and his life and loss was still important to us.
Visit with my Dr went well today. Factor V was normal and I didn’t show anything for Antiphospholipid Syndrome. She will do hormone check, adrenal function, thyroid and nutrition check (vitamin levels). She’s willing to run any test so I need to see which I’d like her to look into further. If I had only looked at my DNA report I would have realized Factor V was normal and saved $30. Will be looking into other clotting possibilities just to be sure. She says there’s no reason for us to wait to try again if that’s what we want. I was thankful for her connecting with me today as another mother of loss and there were definitely tears, she cares about her patients without a doubt.
Got a call from Dr’s office today and she wants me to come in to discuss the labs and clotting issues. Getting some insight on any further testing or what may be different plan of care next pregnancy if it happens. She’s learned and studied after her multiple losses to have her miracle baby at 42. I’ll go Monday. Pray it goes well and I’ll actually be able to talk without turning into a sobbing mess.
Went to visit Ean’s grave. The winter flag blew away so I’ll get a new one soon. I’ll see you again my precious son. I love you!
Always in my mind but today candles are lit and I’m imagining that reunion day. This is one of the unspoken ways my husband knows it’s on my mind and I’m struggling.
Many women when attempting to conceive especially after difficulty learn to track their body’s symptoms, temperatures, use ovulation predictor tests and watch their body for any minute changes that can indicate pregnancy. Often followed by obsessive early pregnancy testing and checking it under multiple lights and tweaking tests through apps in an attempt to view that first faint line. Turns out after miscarriage much of the same is done except this time the obsessive testing comes with the hope of seeing that negative test and hoping to see the cycle return to what is normal prior to miscarriage. As it turns out every woman’s body is different which isn’t really all that surprising until you are still seeing a slight pink line 2 months 1 week and 2 days after miscarriage. Yes the further you are along in pregnancy when you have a loss the longer the hormone can remain, and 13w6d isn’t an early miscarriage but seriously that’s just concerning. Let me tell you, DO NOT go to google to search those possibilities because you’ll be left tossing and turning at night wondering if you in fact have that form of cancer from retained tissue that hopefully can be resolved with chemotherapy if caught “early enough”. When your body is already so far from what is “normal” that frightening possibility doesn’t seem all that unreasonable. So after contacting my Dr and asking how long it should reasonably take for hcg to drop I was asked to come in for a blood test. My results were less than 2...really less than 2, that’s negative, barely even a thought of hcg. Considering the test is close to the same as the very early positive I got with Ean I’m not sure what to think of this brand anymore. Until a couple years ago I wouldn’t rely on this test at all and actually refused to take them because the sensitivity wasn’t as good, at least from what I knew 12 years ago, others would show up first, and now it seems to be the earliest and yet the most unreliable. So I’d have to urge you, don’t trust the faint lines on the First Response Early Result Pregnancy Tests. Try another brand and if it’s negative it could still be early so test again in a couple days if you really think/hope you’re pregnant or haven’t had your expected period and hope you aren’t pregnant. If you know for a fact you have ovulated and it’s been 15 days after ovulation get a blood test and you’ll know for sure. I say 15 days because every woman is different and time between ovulation and period can be 10-14 days, sometimes shorter for women with luteal phase defect, but usually 14 days is the longest you’ll go unless you actually ovulated later than you thought. I can’t say for sure that in the future I’ll never give that brand another try because I’m a POAS (Pee On A Stick) addict but I can say with all certainty it won’t be one I absolutely trust and I may even share my negative review with the company because let’s face it getting false results is just plain disturbing.
Haven’t you mourned long enough, just get over it already. No, I’m not going to ever just get over it. What I have gone through has changed me from the very depths of who I am and though I always thought during every circumstance I have faced in life I couldn’t feel more deeply I always do. Grief is like a living thing it develops differently depending on circumstances and like an ocean it ebbs and flows. While sometimes I feel guilty because all those prayers I had for my healthy baby changed when I realized maybe that wasn’t to be God’s will, so I prayed instead that God take him home before he had to have any suffering on this earth. I have finally come out of the hopelessness and self-frustration/blame that I can now see a light, or you could call it purpose and realize that God is so loving, He is comforting me through this, and perhaps allowing my pain so it can be used to help others experiencing this loss.
I grew up with babies and children around me and by the time I was sixteen I knew without a doubt that if there was one thing in my lifetime I wanted, I wanted to be a mommy. So, all the times I was asked during my journey of infertility when would I have a baby and my husband would reply we’re still practicing I would silently cry inside fearing something was so fundamentally flawed with my body or I was being punished for some sin I wasn’t aware. For my early losses, nobody could even fathom how great a desire I had to be a mother. “In our day we didn’t even know we were pregnant until we felt movement.” With a body so regular since the age of nine and the desire I had to be a mother, I was so happy for the medical advancements since then, so I would at least know because it was verified at home, I knew even if I didn’t speak about it because pregnancy loss is such a taboo topic. My early losses may not be a loss to you, but they were a great loss for me. Although the technical term is Chemical Pregnancy because they were prior to 5 weeks or being seen on ultrasound they were still miscarriages aka pregnancy losses.
Comments that appear to be so simple when made by the commenter sting. How can this even bother you, it’s not like you were full term? Really, so to you what warrants acknowledgement of life and loss has a different meaning to you. Obviously, you have not had the personal experience and for that I’m grateful because I can tell you the pain of having to face the cold reality that the child you hoped and prayed for will never play at your side is a grueling one to face. Perhaps our loss of Ean wasn’t as significant to some because he was only 13w2d when his heart stopped. Having to wait for hours to have the dreadful confirmation that your baby’s heart is no longer beating begins to rip everything away. All the questions go through your mind and you wonder what did I do to cause this because the very first thing I did that I now hear many mothers do is blame myself and second guess every decision made, every bit of care or lack of care given during pregnancy. Then I was left to know the life I had carried inside me had died and I was left with every anxious filled second not knowing if my body was going to start rejecting his body or how long I would carry the lifeless body. Turns out for me that answer was four, four very long question filled days because that is when labor was induced.
I saw a post today and it hit me hard. It was like any pregnancy or pregnancy loss prior to 5 weeks held less value. When this shows up in social media, what would I put for prior to 5 weeks and what denotes a loss? I suppose the angel baby emoji may cover it, but it irritates and hurts at the lack of understanding that life at any stage is important even if only to the mother that held that life in her womb for even a fleeting time. Everyday I’m faced with the reality of how much of a stigma pregnancy loss has behind it.
Comments I have also heard that are unhelpful:
“I think you enjoy drama and being the victim.” No, I don’t and that’s not the reason why I am sharing my experiences with you. Maybe this commenter is the wrong audience, but I will speak up for the many women that have gone through this and have been left to feel insignificant and unheard. “At least you didn’t lose your baby during or after born.” While the pain of that would be unbearable in my eyes the pain of losing a baby at any stage significant it is still painful beyond comprehension for those never having to experience this loss of life and loss of the dreams you had for the child. “At least you know you can get pregnant, you can try again.” Yes, and for that life I am grateful though the pain of losing that life and all hopes for any future outside of being in Heaven with that baby are now gone. Lord willing, I can try again but that is not guaranteed so please don’t put that anxiety back into my head because even once I’m pregnant again I’ll always wonder if it’s God’s will that I carry the baby full term and raise to adulthood. “Be thankful for the children you already have.” This statement seems ridiculous to me, of course I’m thankful for the children I already have, and I always will be. That doesn’t change the fact that I had hoped to have the other children with me and will still grieve their absence while looking forward to the day we are together again in Heaven. “Why would you even want another child?” Why wouldn’t I want another child is what I ask in response to that. Your family may be perfect with no children or maybe not until you have twelve children but that is a personal decision. For me children are a blessing from God and they are sent for a purpose. If God grants me the ability to have another to love, train and raise for His glory I will be thrilled. Yes, I desire another child and while that is a desire I have, I am also aware that God’s will is going to determine that, and I leave it in His hands so if His answer is no I can have peace knowing our family and children will still make an impact for Him.
24 weeks and 2 days is how far along I would have been pregnant with Ean today. My dreams would have continued and I would have been buying the cute little boy clothes I see in the stores as I quickly pass by the baby section. Sometimes even going by them can really bother me and others I just feel numb as I pass on by. Instead I’m left wondering if the weather is too cold and windy for me to think about braving going to his grave to see if anything has blown away. It’s hard to believe it has been 2 months and 12 days since I saw his perfect little body, it seems like it was so long ago. His little life so many wouldn’t even consider significant and yet was so important to our family. Every week we would look at how developed he would be. The pregnancy app showed how big/tiny his little hands and feet were estimated and now his tiny hands and feet are forever etched in my my memory. Feet that would never run to kick a ball and hands that would never clap, oh those tiny arms that would never hold me back, I imagine giving him hugs. I know he will never know the suffering on this earth and is in Heaven in his perfect body and for that reason I can find comfort. One day we will finally meet and look at each other face to face. His life and now his absence continues to change me and regardless of time passed he will always be loved. I still grieve and I still love him, that is ok, that is normal and it doesn’t change the love I have for our children I still have with me or make them any less important. It just means that just because he isn’t with me though others that never knew him may never understand he will always be loved and his short life mattered.
So today I finally got a actual negative home pregnancy test instead of positives and very faint lines. 2 mo and 11 days after delivering Ean. I’ve never been so happy to see a negative test or tested for that purpose. I went in yesterday to get blood hcg levels drawn along with clotting factor testing so I’ll see what those say. Just happy my body is getting back to “normal”.
*Update: Other tests are still processing but HCG came back less than 2 so finally negative. I guess my body takes longer than most to process.
Precious Boy so loved by Mommy, Daddy, Brother and his two Sisters. He arrived in Heaven when his heart stopped at 13w2d on October 26, 2017. His body was delivered October 30, 2017 @ 10:30PM. He was 4.25in long and weighed 0.96oz. He was laid to rest November 4, 2017 @ 2PM. He will be forever loved and remembered. Ean Rigel is his first and middle name for privacy reasons last name is withheld.
Click to join Facebook group Remembering Ean Rigel, "My Bright Little Star", Pregnancy Loss Support.