I won't hide my grief

24 weeks and 2 days is how far along I would have been pregnant with Ean today. My dreams would have continued and I would have been buying the cute little boy clothes I see in the stores as I quickly pass by the baby section. Sometimes even going by them can really bother me and others I just feel numb as I pass on by. Instead I’m left wondering if the weather is too cold and windy for me to think about braving going to his grave to see if anything has blown away. It’s hard to believe it has been 2 months and 12 days since I saw his perfect little body, it seems like it was so long ago. His little life so many wouldn’t even consider significant and yet was so important to our family. Every week we would look at how developed he would be. The pregnancy app showed how big/tiny his little hands and feet were estimated and now his tiny hands and feet are forever etched in my my memory. Feet that would never run to kick a ball and hands that would never clap, oh those tiny arms that would never hold me back, I imagine giving him hugs. I know he will never know the suffering on this earth and is in Heaven in his perfect body and for that reason I can find comfort. One day we will finally meet and look at each other face to face. His life and now his absence continues to change me and regardless of time passed he will always be loved. I still grieve and I still love him, that is ok, that is normal and it doesn’t change the love I have for our children I still have with me or make them any less important.  It just means that just because he isn’t with me though others that never knew him may never understand he will always be loved and his short life mattered.