Received this precious bear in the mail today it was such a beautiful surprise. It’s from a ministry called Molly Bears, they send free weighted bears to those who have experienced the loss of a baby during pregnancy in honor of their daughter. I requested it 1 month after the loss of Ean. The pink bow was a pin so I just removed it but they included his name on a star like I requested and it’s stitched in grey. I called him my little star. Ean means Gift from God, Rigel is is generally the seventh-brightest star in the night sky and the brightest star in the constellation of Orion. This precious bear weighs 3 pounds.
Oh, the many times I imagined this day, but it did not end up being as I had hoped. Instead of gazing into your eyes, hearing your cry and seeing who you resembled most with your features you were gone too soon, and I’m left with the memory of your small body after delivering you. You’ll never be in my arms here on earth, but I have an unending desire to see you again someday in Heaven. I imagine all the possibilities you had for your future but realize you are in Heaven. I carry you in my heart while you are in God’s care and that’s the greatest comfort I can find without you here with me.
5 months 28 days since I delivered Ean Rigel. He was so precious, so perfectly formed for his development of 13w2d. He was delivered October 30, 2017 @ 10:30PM and was 4.25” long and weighed 0.96oz. He was such a tiny little baby but looked like a tiny baby and very obviously a boy. Today has been hard because it’s been two weeks since I delivered Riley Ember, I thought for sure this was our Rainbow baby, but it seems the plan was not to be. I miss my babies so very much. I had fought a headache all day that turned into a migraine by the end of the day. By the time my hubby came home from work I was bed bound due to the migraine and the emotions that became all consuming. I just kept thinking of our precious Ean Rigel and our precious Riley Ember. My sweet hubby joined me early and held me though I had no words I could put to how I was feeling. Finally, after a couple hours had passed I asked if he was serious about not trying again in the future and he said he was concerned for how I would be able to hold up physically, but we would talk about it more in time.
Rearranged the mantle today. I brought home the plaque Papa and Granny got for Ean’s grave because I’m afraid it will get damaged when they mow or trim. It says “Forever With the Angels Always In our Hearts”. There’s now 4 baby’s laying in angel wings to represent all of our babies in Heaven. Baby Wichita 1999, Baby Augusta 2002, Ean Rigel 2017 and Riley Ember 2018.
Went to visit Ean and Granny's graves today. I've been so emotional and had so much going on I'm ashamed to admit I haven't been since February 9th the night after Granny's funeral. I know it's just their bodies in the ground and they are in Heaven so would understand. I still like to go occasionally because it does help me feel a little bit closer while I wait for meeting them again someday in Heaven.
I didn’t think the traumatic experience of learning our baby’s heart stopped at 13w2d could get any worse. My original OB advised me not to try to wait out a natural miscarriage at home. On October 30, 2017, at 13w6d midwife consulted with Dr. and I was admitted for induction. The questions and all the paperwork were understandable though a little much for me to handle right before giving birth to our lifeless baby. At that moment I had no idea what funeral home we would use or what we would name the baby because baby hadn’t been born for us to see the gender. Pastoral services came in and we asked if we could take the baby home and decide and we were told yes. Prior to admission, we were told we would be taken to a room away from other delivery rooms and it would be quiet, but we were directly next to the doors that would open and close frequently and they squeaked so loudly; this was far from peaceful. I decided not to send our baby for pathology because we were told we wouldn’t get baby back for burial or cremation. I am thankful my husband and I were given complete privacy and our nurse was very kind. I was on the toilet when the baby was delivered and thankfully there was a hat to catch baby, shortly after we discovered our baby was a boy. It took over an hour to deliver the placenta, so another dose of medication was given. When I went to the bathroom and part of the placenta came out there wasn’t a hat in the toilet, so it ended up flushed. My OB asked if we at least had it tested, and I had to tell her no because it was literally flushed down the drain. The privacy was nice, but the amount of bleeding was scary, and it wasn’t really recognized although I went through an entire package of the large pads and had to ask for another then finished that package too. After delivery my blood pressure was extremely low and every time I attempted to use the bathroom I’d have to stop and have my husband hold me to keep me from falling as I blacked out, I was given IV fluids and it came back up some so that alleviated the concern although I still believe I lost too much blood as I became quite anemic for a while. When we were preparing for discharge and waiting for my nurse to return so my husband could go pick up the baby we were informed that part of the problem was the baby was taken to the pathology lab and not the mortuary. She came to us and apologized stating that because we lived in a different state we wouldn’t be able to take baby. She also said she had to file the death with County, so I said ok I should at least be able to get some paperwork and I was told yes. We did not want to utilize The Hospital Cemetery but at that point we weren’t given any other options. It wasn’t even offered for me to see my son one last time and the feeling of being wheeled out holding just a memory box in my lap and hearing a crying baby in a room we were passing was devastating. I should have been able to take my baby home to arrange burial through a local funeral home, but this was denied to me. I was discharged early morning October 31, 2017. November 2, 2017 Sister from Pastoral Services called and apologized for the misunderstanding, but we could get our baby boy and prepare for burial after all. I arranged everything with a local funeral home and they came to transport his body on November 3, 2017 but when they arrived there was still a delay because our son’s body was still in the Pathology Lab not the Morgue where he should have been. We were finally able to bury him November 4, 2017. November 30th, I called the Office of Vital Statistics to obtain whatever certificate was available for Ean and was informed they had nothing. I called the Nurses Station at Labor and Delivery and was told I would have had to request that they submit so I asked her to please do so for Ean Rigel and she asked me to give it a month for processing. On December 27th I called the Vital Statistics Office and they had a certificate, but it was for EAS Rigel and they said they would submit for a change. January 26, 2018, I called Vital Statistics Office and they had an amendment but instead of correcting baby’s name they did the correction on my name which was already correct. I called Vital Statistics Office again April 6, 2018 and again the correction was made not for the baby but my name. They offered to send me a certificate with the incorrect spelling if I needed it for tax purposes and I literally cried and said no I just want a correct one for my personal records it’s important to me. It has been almost 6 months since our loss and the nightmare just continues. My husband’s mother died suddenly of a heart attack February 5, 2018, I learned I was pregnant February 13, 2018, our 14 y/o son attempted suicide March 2018 and we learned April 2, 2018 at 10w2d our baby’s heart stopped around 8weeks. I am terrified of having to have a D&C and while I’d like to have genetic testing done I’m not willing to send our baby off and never have the chance to bury him/her at our cemetery. The VBA2C birth of our daughter in August 2016 was a wonderful experience but I feel the hospital is lacking in supporting a family going through a loss or realizing all the miscommunication or “minor errors” just intensifies the pain.
Barely holding it all together today. I called the Office of Vital Statistics for the Certificate for Ean. I’ve been waiting for it since November then in December they (hospital) filed it as Eas then when they made the correction they changed my name which was correct, apparently they filed for the change again in January and just received it today. Again they still have Ean’s name misspelled and changed my name AGAIN which was correct the whole time. I’ve been trying to get this since November, it’s almost been 6 months since we lost Ean. I literally broke down and cried when the lady told me the hospital messed up again. She said she’d send me the one they have now with the incorrect spelling if I needed it for tax purposes and between tears I said no I just wanted it for personal reasons because it’s important to me. She said they are trying to expedite it and would call when they received the change. I sent a long message to the hospital about how this whole process has been a continuing nightmare with being denied Ean’s body for burial until 3 days later and then the repeated error with the certificate. I told them the experience with the birth of our daughter in 2016 was good but I feel the hospital is lacking in supporting a family going through a loss or realizing all the miscommunication or “minor errors” just intensifies the pain.
This flag was blown away during wind and snow storm in the middle of January. After the snow melted we looked and couldn’t find it so I ordered a different one. We went and put it up when it came in February 8th. I was getting out of the van for Granny’s graveside service yesterday and hubby came walking up to me with it in his hand. He said he looked down right in front of the hearse and there it was on the ground. It may sound silly but I say Granny helped us find it, she loved birds which is one reason I’d bought it originally so finding it that day was extra special to me.
Three months ago when we were burying Ean I never imagined we would be saying goodbye to Granny so soon. I’m happy knowing she’s up in Heaven loving on her grandchildren there and doesn’t have to experience any more pain or sorrow on earth. We love her so much and we’re sure going to miss her! Our greatest comfort is knowing one day we’ll be together again in Heaven.
Went to visit Ean’s grave after going to his Granny’s viewing. Give our babies hugs and kisses for us Granny. I love you all!!
All her grandchildren down here are going to miss her! She’s now with her grandchildren, parents and loved ones in Heaven. Ean got to meet his Granny, Monday February 5th!
My precious son Ean,
You were wanted before you were even conceived, I longed for you and prayed for you. I would imagine each day we would have together and how much fun you’d have with your siblings especially KM, she would have claimed you as her baby. I do hope my constant complaining about the daily migraine and the all-day sickness didn’t make you feel unwanted. You were very much wanted! I prayed we would have a boy, I would have been just as happy and thrilled had you been a girl, you were the precious one chosen for us. When I said I wished pregnancy were easier I didn’t mean I didn’t want to be pregnant I just wanted to enjoy the time we had together. While I was sick I didn’t talk with you as much as I normally would have but I struggled to get through each day and after you were gone to Heaven grief made me blame myself. Oh, how you gave me such a gift when I felt the tiny little movement almost like you were reminding me you were with me or now that I look back perhaps that was your goodbye. I wanted you, I loved you and I counted down the moments until we’d meet. I would have given anything or done anything to have you healthy and to raise you, to see all your firsts. We knew each other more intimately than anyone else ever would but we didn’t get to meet while looking into each other’s eyes. Your heart stopped and then you opened your eyes in Heaven, oh how it comforts me to know that you opened your eyes to see Jesus and all the loved ones gone on before. When I was first pregnant I prayed you would be healthy and asked God to spare you if you were not but after we had made it to 8 weeks together I tried my hardest to reject any possibility you would or could leave us, at the time that I thought was faith. I know God has a plan and doesn’t seek permission, but I knew I needed to release you to His will and I prayed so fervently that He would let you stay with us but also that He spare you if you would have to suffer. I don’t know but maybe at that point you knew how much I loved you and perhaps you were grateful I also was willing to say goodbye for your greater good. I was so thankful I was at least able to see your perfect little body and I can imagine with more development you would have looked like your brother and sisters. My desire was to be with you but though that was not possible I am thankful for every heartbeat and second of the day we had together, I wouldn’t ask you to trade Heaven for earth. We will be together again, someday we will meet up again in Heaven and until then I can find the joy in knowing your eternal life is without pain or suffering. While we are apart you will always be loved, greatly missed and forever remembered. I love you my son and I look forward to being with you.
I have been wanting to get a picture of the star Rigel as seen from our house for a while and was finally able to get one tonight. This is Rigel from the Orion Constellation during the Blue Moon. Rigel is Ean’s middle name, the star, 7th brightest in the sky, can be easily seen on clear nights.
It’s been 3 months, feels like so long ago but the heartache sometimes feels fresh. I would have been 27 weeks pregnant today with just 13 short weeks to go. Ean Rigel was alive until his heart stopped at 13w2d. It has been 13w5d since his heart stopped and would have been due in 13 weeks. I love you my precious little Ean!
When everything gets quiet and everyone is asleep I'm left alone in my thoughts and emotions. I spend time in prayer and that eases the heartache but sometimes it's still is more difficult emotionally.
So happy to receive this in the mail today. I already have one bear on my mantle. I donated and requested two bears so one could be saved for our daughter when she’s old enough. I purchased the little metal plaque. Took the picture on a throw pillow for size reference, it’s perfect, not too big not too small.
So the hospital saga continues. I called Vital Records on November 30, 2017 to get the Birth/Death Certificate for Fetal Demise. I was told when I delivered Ean on October 30, 2017 that they were filing with the county which is one of the original reasons they stated for not being allowed to just release his body directly to us. The Vital Record Office looked and there was nothing so I called the hospital and was told it had to be requested because he wasn’t over 20 weeks. She said to give it a couple weeks to get done and sent in. So I called Vital Records again on December 26, 2017 and they said they had a record so I placed an order to get a copy. I received a call from the Vital Check office on December 27, 2017 saying they had a record but it was for Eas Rigel not Ean Rigel. So the Vital Record Office said they would have the hospital to do an amendment but I was contacted back saying the one person that does that was out of the office until after the New Year to give it until the second week of January to get the paperwork then they would get the certificate I ordered mailed to me. I called today January 26, 2018 and they found the amendment paperwork BUT the hospital put my name in the box for correction not Ean, my name was always correct and his was still listed as Eas. She is now going to resubmit the paperwork to the hospital already filled out correctly so all they need to do is sign. One thing after another. I’m wondering if they just don’t have experience with almost 14 week deliveries, policies for releasing the body and filing birth/death paperwork for that gestation. I am absolutely aware this paperwork isn’t a requirement for them and it doesn’t amount to much for most but I want that acknowledgment, Ean had life regardless of his gestation, he was not just products of conception or tissue. No, Ean was not the typical stillborn baby but he was still our baby and his life and loss was still important to us.
Visit with my Dr went well today. Factor V was normal and I didn’t show anything for Antiphospholipid Syndrome. She will do hormone check, adrenal function, thyroid and nutrition check (vitamin levels). She’s willing to run any test so I need to see which I’d like her to look into further. If I had only looked at my DNA report I would have realized Factor V was normal and saved $30. Will be looking into other clotting possibilities just to be sure. She says there’s no reason for us to wait to try again if that’s what we want. I was thankful for her connecting with me today as another mother of loss and there were definitely tears, she cares about her patients without a doubt.
Precious Boy so loved by Mommy, Daddy, Brother and his two Sisters. He arrived in Heaven when his heart stopped at 13w2d on October 26, 2017. His body was delivered October 30, 2017 @ 10:30PM. He was 4.25in long and weighed 0.96oz. He was laid to rest November 4, 2017 @ 2PM. He will be forever loved and remembered. Ean Rigel is his first and middle name for privacy reasons last name is withheld.
Click to join Facebook group Remembering Ean Rigel, "My Bright Little Star", Pregnancy Loss Support.