Haven’t you mourned long enough, just get over it already. No, I’m not going to ever just get over it. What I have gone through has changed me from the very depths of who I am and though I always thought during every circumstance I have faced in life I couldn’t feel more deeply I always do. Grief is like a living thing it develops differently depending on circumstances and like an ocean it ebbs and flows. While sometimes I feel guilty because all those prayers I had for my healthy baby changed when I realized maybe that wasn’t to be God’s will, so I prayed instead that God take him home before he had to have any suffering on this earth. I have finally come out of the hopelessness and self-frustration/blame that I can now see a light, or you could call it purpose and realize that God is so loving, He is comforting me through this, and perhaps allowing my pain so it can be used to help others experiencing this loss.
I grew up with babies and children around me and by the time I was sixteen I knew without a doubt that if there was one thing in my lifetime I wanted, I wanted to be a mommy. So, all the times I was asked during my journey of infertility when would I have a baby and my husband would reply we’re still practicing I would silently cry inside fearing something was so fundamentally flawed with my body or I was being punished for some sin I wasn’t aware. For my early losses, nobody could even fathom how great a desire I had to be a mother. “In our day we didn’t even know we were pregnant until we felt movement.” With a body so regular since the age of nine and the desire I had to be a mother, I was so happy for the medical advancements since then, so I would at least know because it was verified at home, I knew even if I didn’t speak about it because pregnancy loss is such a taboo topic. My early losses may not be a loss to you, but they were a great loss for me. Although the technical term is Chemical Pregnancy because they were prior to 5 weeks or being seen on ultrasound they were still miscarriages aka pregnancy losses.
Comments that appear to be so simple when made by the commenter sting. How can this even bother you, it’s not like you were full term? Really, so to you what warrants acknowledgement of life and loss has a different meaning to you. Obviously, you have not had the personal experience and for that I’m grateful because I can tell you the pain of having to face the cold reality that the child you hoped and prayed for will never play at your side is a grueling one to face. Perhaps our loss of Ean wasn’t as significant to some because he was only 13w2d when his heart stopped. Having to wait for hours to have the dreadful confirmation that your baby’s heart is no longer beating begins to rip everything away. All the questions go through your mind and you wonder what did I do to cause this because the very first thing I did that I now hear many mothers do is blame myself and second guess every decision made, every bit of care or lack of care given during pregnancy. Then I was left to know the life I had carried inside me had died and I was left with every anxious filled second not knowing if my body was going to start rejecting his body or how long I would carry the lifeless body. Turns out for me that answer was four, four very long question filled days because that is when labor was induced.
I saw a post today and it hit me hard. It was like any pregnancy or pregnancy loss prior to 5 weeks held less value. When this shows up in social media, what would I put for prior to 5 weeks and what denotes a loss? I suppose the angel baby emoji may cover it, but it irritates and hurts at the lack of understanding that life at any stage is important even if only to the mother that held that life in her womb for even a fleeting time. Everyday I’m faced with the reality of how much of a stigma pregnancy loss has behind it.
Comments I have also heard that are unhelpful:
“I think you enjoy drama and being the victim.” No, I don’t and that’s not the reason why I am sharing my experiences with you. Maybe this commenter is the wrong audience, but I will speak up for the many women that have gone through this and have been left to feel insignificant and unheard. “At least you didn’t lose your baby during or after born.” While the pain of that would be unbearable in my eyes the pain of losing a baby at any stage significant it is still painful beyond comprehension for those never having to experience this loss of life and loss of the dreams you had for the child. “At least you know you can get pregnant, you can try again.” Yes, and for that life I am grateful though the pain of losing that life and all hopes for any future outside of being in Heaven with that baby are now gone. Lord willing, I can try again but that is not guaranteed so please don’t put that anxiety back into my head because even once I’m pregnant again I’ll always wonder if it’s God’s will that I carry the baby full term and raise to adulthood. “Be thankful for the children you already have.” This statement seems ridiculous to me, of course I’m thankful for the children I already have, and I always will be. That doesn’t change the fact that I had hoped to have the other children with me and will still grieve their absence while looking forward to the day we are together again in Heaven. “Why would you even want another child?” Why wouldn’t I want another child is what I ask in response to that. Your family may be perfect with no children or maybe not until you have twelve children but that is a personal decision. For me children are a blessing from God and they are sent for a purpose. If God grants me the ability to have another to love, train and raise for His glory I will be thrilled. Yes, I desire another child and while that is a desire I have, I am also aware that God’s will is going to determine that, and I leave it in His hands so if His answer is no I can have peace knowing our family and children will still make an impact for Him.
Precious Boy so loved by Mommy, Daddy, Brother and his two Sisters. He arrived in Heaven when his heart stopped at 13w2d on October 26, 2017. His body was delivered October 30, 2017 @ 10:30PM. He was 4.25in long and weighed 0.96oz. He was laid to rest November 4, 2017 @ 2PM. He will be forever loved and remembered. Ean Rigel is his first and middle name for privacy reasons last name is withheld.
Click to join Facebook group Remembering Ean Rigel, "My Bright Little Star", Pregnancy Loss Support.