5 months 28 days since I delivered Ean Rigel. He was so precious, so perfectly formed for his development of 13w2d. He was delivered October 30, 2017 @ 10:30PM and was 4.25” long and weighed 0.96oz. He was such a tiny little baby but looked like a tiny baby and very obviously a boy. Today has been hard because it’s been two weeks since I delivered Riley Ember, I thought for sure this was our Rainbow baby, but it seems the plan was not to be. I miss my babies so very much. I had fought a headache all day that turned into a migraine by the end of the day. By the time my hubby came home from work I was bed bound due to the migraine and the emotions that became all consuming. I just kept thinking of our precious Ean Rigel and our precious Riley Ember. My sweet hubby joined me early and held me though I had no words I could put to how I was feeling. Finally, after a couple hours had passed I asked if he was serious about not trying again in the future and he said he was concerned for how I would be able to hold up physically, but we would talk about it more in time.
Rearranged the mantle today. I brought home the plaque Papa and Granny got for Ean’s grave because I’m afraid it will get damaged when they mow or trim. It says “Forever With the Angels Always In our Hearts”. There’s now 4 baby’s laying in angel wings to represent all of our babies in Heaven. Baby Wichita 1999, Baby Augusta 2002, Ean Rigel 2017 and Riley Ember 2018.
Went to visit Ean and Granny's graves today. I've been so emotional and had so much going on I'm ashamed to admit I haven't been since February 9th the night after Granny's funeral. I know it's just their bodies in the ground and they are in Heaven so would understand. I still like to go occasionally because it does help me feel a little bit closer while I wait for meeting them again someday in Heaven.
I didn’t think the traumatic experience of learning our baby’s heart stopped at 13w2d could get any worse. My original OB advised me not to try to wait out a natural miscarriage at home. On October 30, 2017, at 13w6d midwife consulted with Dr. and I was admitted for induction. The questions and all the paperwork were understandable though a little much for me to handle right before giving birth to our lifeless baby. At that moment I had no idea what funeral home we would use or what we would name the baby because baby hadn’t been born for us to see the gender. Pastoral services came in and we asked if we could take the baby home and decide and we were told yes. Prior to admission, we were told we would be taken to a room away from other delivery rooms and it would be quiet, but we were directly next to the doors that would open and close frequently and they squeaked so loudly; this was far from peaceful. I decided not to send our baby for pathology because we were told we wouldn’t get baby back for burial or cremation. I am thankful my husband and I were given complete privacy and our nurse was very kind. I was on the toilet when the baby was delivered and thankfully there was a hat to catch baby, shortly after we discovered our baby was a boy. It took over an hour to deliver the placenta, so another dose of medication was given. When I went to the bathroom and part of the placenta came out there wasn’t a hat in the toilet, so it ended up flushed. My OB asked if we at least had it tested, and I had to tell her no because it was literally flushed down the drain. The privacy was nice, but the amount of bleeding was scary, and it wasn’t really recognized although I went through an entire package of the large pads and had to ask for another then finished that package too. After delivery my blood pressure was extremely low and every time I attempted to use the bathroom I’d have to stop and have my husband hold me to keep me from falling as I blacked out, I was given IV fluids and it came back up some so that alleviated the concern although I still believe I lost too much blood as I became quite anemic for a while. When we were preparing for discharge and waiting for my nurse to return so my husband could go pick up the baby we were informed that part of the problem was the baby was taken to the pathology lab and not the mortuary. She came to us and apologized stating that because we lived in a different state we wouldn’t be able to take baby. She also said she had to file the death with County, so I said ok I should at least be able to get some paperwork and I was told yes. We did not want to utilize The Hospital Cemetery but at that point we weren’t given any other options. It wasn’t even offered for me to see my son one last time and the feeling of being wheeled out holding just a memory box in my lap and hearing a crying baby in a room we were passing was devastating. I should have been able to take my baby home to arrange burial through a local funeral home, but this was denied to me. I was discharged early morning October 31, 2017. November 2, 2017 Sister from Pastoral Services called and apologized for the misunderstanding, but we could get our baby boy and prepare for burial after all. I arranged everything with a local funeral home and they came to transport his body on November 3, 2017 but when they arrived there was still a delay because our son’s body was still in the Pathology Lab not the Morgue where he should have been. We were finally able to bury him November 4, 2017. November 30th, I called the Office of Vital Statistics to obtain whatever certificate was available for Ean and was informed they had nothing. I called the Nurses Station at Labor and Delivery and was told I would have had to request that they submit so I asked her to please do so for Ean Rigel and she asked me to give it a month for processing. On December 27th I called the Vital Statistics Office and they had a certificate, but it was for EAS Rigel and they said they would submit for a change. January 26, 2018, I called Vital Statistics Office and they had an amendment but instead of correcting baby’s name they did the correction on my name which was already correct. I called Vital Statistics Office again April 6, 2018 and again the correction was made not for the baby but my name. They offered to send me a certificate with the incorrect spelling if I needed it for tax purposes and I literally cried and said no I just want a correct one for my personal records it’s important to me. It has been almost 6 months since our loss and the nightmare just continues. My husband’s mother died suddenly of a heart attack February 5, 2018, I learned I was pregnant February 13, 2018, our 14 y/o son attempted suicide March 2018 and we learned April 2, 2018 at 10w2d our baby’s heart stopped around 8weeks. I am terrified of having to have a D&C and while I’d like to have genetic testing done I’m not willing to send our baby off and never have the chance to bury him/her at our cemetery. The VBA2C birth of our daughter in August 2016 was a wonderful experience but I feel the hospital is lacking in supporting a family going through a loss or realizing all the miscommunication or “minor errors” just intensifies the pain.
Barely holding it all together today. I called the Office of Vital Statistics for the Certificate for Ean. I’ve been waiting for it since November then in December they (hospital) filed it as Eas then when they made the correction they changed my name which was correct, apparently they filed for the change again in January and just received it today. Again they still have Ean’s name misspelled and changed my name AGAIN which was correct the whole time. I’ve been trying to get this since November, it’s almost been 6 months since we lost Ean. I literally broke down and cried when the lady told me the hospital messed up again. She said she’d send me the one they have now with the incorrect spelling if I needed it for tax purposes and between tears I said no I just wanted it for personal reasons because it’s important to me. She said they are trying to expedite it and would call when they received the change. I sent a long message to the hospital about how this whole process has been a continuing nightmare with being denied Ean’s body for burial until 3 days later and then the repeated error with the certificate. I told them the experience with the birth of our daughter in 2016 was good but I feel the hospital is lacking in supporting a family going through a loss or realizing all the miscommunication or “minor errors” just intensifies the pain.
Precious Boy so loved by Mommy, Daddy, Brother and his two Sisters. He arrived in Heaven when his heart stopped at 13w2d on October 26, 2017. His body was delivered October 30, 2017 @ 10:30PM. He was 4.25in long and weighed 0.96oz. He was laid to rest November 4, 2017 @ 2PM. He will be forever loved and remembered. Ean Rigel is his first and middle name for privacy reasons last name is withheld.
Click to join Facebook group Remembering Ean Rigel, "My Bright Little Star", Pregnancy Loss Support.