Letter to Ean

My precious son Ean,
You were wanted before you were even conceived, I longed for you and prayed for you. I would imagine each day we would have together and how much fun you’d have with your siblings especially KM, she would have claimed you as her baby. I do hope my constant complaining about the daily migraine and the all-day sickness didn’t make you feel unwanted. You were very much wanted! I prayed we would have a boy, I would have been just as happy and thrilled had you been a girl, you were the precious one chosen for us. When I said I wished pregnancy were easier I didn’t mean I didn’t want to be pregnant I just wanted to enjoy the time we had together. While I was sick I didn’t talk with you as much as I normally would have but I struggled to get through each day and after you were gone to Heaven grief made me blame myself. Oh, how you gave me such a gift when I felt the tiny little movement almost like you were reminding me you were with me or now that I look back perhaps that was your goodbye. I wanted you, I loved you and I counted down the moments until we’d meet. I would have given anything or done anything to have you healthy and to raise you, to see all your firsts. We knew each other more intimately than anyone else ever would but we didn’t get to meet while looking into each other’s eyes. Your heart stopped and then you opened your eyes in Heaven, oh how it comforts me to know that you opened your eyes to see Jesus and all the loved ones gone on before. When I was first pregnant I prayed you would be healthy and asked God to spare you if you were not but after we had made it to 8 weeks together I tried my hardest to reject any possibility you would or could leave us, at the time that I thought was faith. I know God has a plan and doesn’t seek permission, but I knew I needed to release you to His will and I prayed so fervently that He would let you stay with us but also that He spare you if you would have to suffer. I don’t know but maybe at that point you knew how much I loved you and perhaps you were grateful I also was willing to say goodbye for your greater good. I was so thankful I was at least able to see your perfect little body and I can imagine with more development you would have looked like your brother and sisters. My desire was to be with you but though that was not possible I am thankful for every heartbeat and second of the day we had together, I wouldn’t ask you to trade Heaven for earth. We will be together again, someday we will meet up again in Heaven and until then I can find the joy in knowing your eternal life is without pain or suffering. While we are apart you will always be loved, greatly missed and forever remembered. I love you my son and I look forward to being with you.
With love,
Mommy