It's been two weeks
It’s hard to believe it has been two weeks since I first delivered Riley and saw him for the first time. So tiny just a little over a centimeter. I was so traumatized at how moving him from the strainer that caught him over the toilet to the jar we could safely hold him damaged his delicate little body. He looked more like a baby while curled up before moving him and although he still looked like a baby it wasn’t as perfect as the initial curled up view I had of him prior to cleaning him off and moving him. I had fought a headache all day that turned into a migraine by the end of the day. By the time my hubby came home from work I was bed bound due to the migraine and the emotions that became all consuming. I just kept thinking of our precious Ean Rigel and our precious Riley Ember. My sweet hubby joined me early and held me though I had no words I could put to how I was feeling. Finally, after a couple hours had passed I asked if he was serious about not trying again in the future and he said he was concerned for how I would be able to hold up physically, but we would talk about it more in time.
Been a week
It’s hard knowing that today it’s been a week since I delivered Riley. My womb is empty and my heart breaks. I had a baby shower to attend for a dear sweet boy that has been so desired and prayed for by two loving parents. Part of me felt scared to attend because I was afraid I’d break down and I didn’t want to lessen this joyful occasion. I wanted to be there because I am happy and excited for this child. Although it’s joyful I’m also reminded that I’ve lost two babies during this time. I was 6 weeks ahead in pregnancy but lost Ean. Then this mama is still pregnant, praise the Lord for that, and when I became pregnant she was 20 weeks ahead of me. Now I have the loss of Riley too. I’ve had the loss of two babies in the time we’ve been anxiously awaiting this precious little boy. I had a friend say I was so brave and strong for attending the baby shower so soon after losing Riley and having the loss of Ean. She said not many would be able to celebrate another baby so soon after losing their own. My heart aches and I’d give anything to have my babies and I don’t see going to this baby shower as brave or strong. I love this baby and celebrate him, I look forward to the day I can hold him and know the joy his mommy and daddy feel. I do miss my babies and everyday it’s hard, but I know one day I’ll see Ean and Riley in Heaven.
Riley Ember's Burial
So thankful we were able to bury our precious baby today around 3:40PM. So grateful to the funeral home for providing us with a temporary grave marker free of charge. This was a personal service private between our children, husband and myself.
She had her own balloon to play with and had already released her teal balloons when we released ours but she decided she wanted to let her orange one go too. Made it sweet and special especially when it caught up to the other balloons.
We received the approval to bury Riley Ember with his brother Ean Rigel so that is our plan for tomorrow.
I began by taking the medication at 9:30AM. It's such a terrible feeling when the bleeding begins even when you're expecting it. I was so afraid that I would miss Riley because he would be so small. At 3:20PM Riley Ember was delivered. He was too tiny and delicate to measure but was about 1.5cm and probably lighter than a tiny feather. Getting him transferred into the preservation jar was so difficult because he was so fragile and by the time he was moved he looked a little less like a baby due to the injuries. It took a while for everything to be over but thankfully bleeding was manageable. We've contacted the cemetery to obtain permission to bury him with Ean and we will have final word on that tomorrow.
Rough day today with migraine. At one point I just asked my hubby to just bury me and call it good. I desperately need everyone to pray that my induction will go well tomorrow. I’d be 12 weeks and sweet Riley passed at 8w4d but measured 8w-8w4d. Pray everything comes out properly and I don’t hemorrhage. I want to avoid a D&C unless it’s a medical necessity. Once I’ve delivered Riley Ember I can start fully grieving and we can make arrangements for burial. These past two weeks have been hard and have felt like walking through a haze. Please keep us in prayer.
Reply from Pastoral Services
Receiving this response today helped me to breathe easier and makes me feel so much better should I need the D&C as that will still be my last choice. Always, always advocate for yourself and know what the laws are so when they say you cannot you can show them you know your rights.
First of all, I want to extend my sympathies to you as you journey down this road of grief and loss once again.
In regards to your current baby’s death and possible D&C – I want to affirm you in your decision to have your baby buried alongside his brother.
In the State of X in accordance with X law “including sections 194.375 through 194.390” you have the right to determine the final disposition of your baby, regardless of the gestation age.
It is important that you work with a funeral home because the hospital cannot release your baby directly to you but to a funeral home.
I’m sorry if this sounds cold with the legalese above but I want to supply you with the proper law(s) that dictate you are able to choose what you want done after the delivery.
My suggestion is that if you live around the X area or in the area of a X Hospital where you might be delivering your baby, contact the local pastoral care office and inform them.
Ask for a chaplain to give you a call and then that person can follow up with you immediately after the delivery so you won’t have to go through what you did with your previous baby.
Once again, my heart aches for you and I pray that God and the angels surround you with love and compassion with the promise of you reuniting with your babies at the time of your death.
Please contact me if you have any questions or need more information.
Blessings to you,
My body still has no cramping or bleeding. I'm unsure how long I'd be allowed to wait for my body before Dr would decide a D&C would be needed. It's important to me and our children that our baby be buried and all information I'm receiving is we wouldn't receive remains for burial after surgical management. I requested my Dr prescribe me medication to induce like we did with Ean and hubby picked them up today. This time I'll be at home instead of in the hospital because the baby is little enough. I'll use the medication Saturday and I hope it goes well or I'll have to repeat the process again in 3 days then if it doesn't work I don't know if we can wait any longer or try inducing again but I think we'd be advised surgical management as our last option. By Saturday I'd be 12 weeks and it's estimated by measurements that Riley's heart stopped around 8w-8w4d. We heard it clearly on fetal doppler at 8w3d so my guess is that's the last day it was beating.
Sent to Pastoral Services
I sent a message to Pastoral Services at the hospital hoping maybe they could look into things for me and get me an answer.
On October 30, 2017 I was admitted and induced at 13w6d after learning our baby's heart stopped at 13w2d. We declined genetic testing because we were advised that we would not receive remains back for burial. We were assured that we could take our baby home with us but at the last minute during discharge we learned they had taken our son to pathology by mistake instead of the morgue and denied us his body because we lived out of state. Thankfully Sister continued researching for us and contacted me November 2, 2017 to let me know the hospital would release our son’s remains to us. We named our son Ean Rigel and he was buried in a cemetery close to home on November 4, 2017.
On April 2, 2018 at 10w2d pregnant I went in for an ultrasound and discovered our baby had no longer had a heartbeat and only measured around 8 weeks. I am still waiting for my body to acknowledge the miscarriage and was advised if it went too long I would need a D&C. It is important to us to be able to bury our baby we have named Riley Ember. I’m afraid just as we would be denied remains for genetic testing we would be denied remains after a D&C. Waiting for my body is taking an emotional toll especially so soon after our last loss and I fear leaving home because I’m afraid I may lose our baby’s body down a public toilet. If I required a D&C would we really be denied the remains for burial or could they be obtained by a funeral home so we could bury our baby?
It’s hard to even begin to describe how I feel or slow the swirling thoughts inside my head. After we lost Ean I felt broken and I wasn’t completely sure I would ever make it out to the other side. Having an adorable toddler helped to add brightness to my days but it also added another layer of pain, pain that I was unable to give her the baby brother and the loss of all the moments we’d have together as a family. After a while I was able to grieve and the pain was a little less intense because I could help someone after going through what I had and I held a little hope for the future. We had decided to try again and just a couple days after ovulation we lost my husband’s mom and our children’s Granny suddenly from a heart attack. I fell apart and even thought I just couldn’t have another baby since she was gone but was delighted when we received several positive pregnancy tests. This baby was our little rainbow after a storm, our remaining ember of hope. I just knew God had given us this baby to help through grieving the loss of Granny and to help us get through when Ean’s due date in May would arrive and with the baby due October 27th we would more easily get through the first anniversary of Ean’s loss on October 30th. I had faith we would hold this baby in our arms and I imagined all the milestones and interaction between siblings. I was so excited we found the heartbeat early on the doppler at 8w3d that was a bit of reassurance. Unfortunately however that was the last time we were ever able to accurately find the heartbeat. At 10w2d we went for an ultrasound to ease our minds but even before going in I had braced myself for bad news. Before the technician even said so I could see there was no heartbeat on the screen and the baby measured smaller than he/she should have. Since my levels for HCG and progesterone were so high we went for a transvaginal ultrasound at 10w4d to make sure there wasn’t a twin and again only one baby, there was no heartbeat and the baby only measured 8w-8w4d and the gestational sac measured 9w2d. Since we want to bury our baby and if we send for testing they won’t return the remains we will likely never know why baby died and what the gender was although I believe baby was a boy. We decided on a gender neutral name Riley Ember. Riley means courageous/ valiant and Ember is a small piece of burning or glowing coal or wood in a dying fire, to me it was the hope I had for this little soul and the bright spot in the darkness we had faced. I don’t understand why Riley died or why I’m having to wait for my body to recognize and stop carrying. I can’t even begin to fathom the purpose after all the loss we’ve had in the last year why we have now lost two babies in less than 6 months. I know people say God won’t give you more than you can handle and I absolutely disagree because this I cannot handle but it does require me to lean on Him and use His strength so through Christ I’ll make it through.
Precious Baby so loved by Mommy, Daddy, Brother and his two Sisters. This precious baby was our little rainbow after a storm, our remaining ember of hope and an answer to prayer. On April 2, 2018 when I was 10w2d pregnant we learned our baby no longer had a heartbeat and was only measuring around 8 weeks. We believe this precious baby was a boy. He arrived in Heaven when his heart stopped at 8w4d on March 21, 2018. His body was delivered at 12w on April 14, 2018 @ 3:20PM. He was laid to rest April 16, 2016 about 3:40PM. Riley Ember and Ean Rigel are buried together and are in Heaven together with their other two siblings. Riley Ember will be forever loved and remembered.