Grieving Mama I see you!
Today is our baby Riley Ember’s 1st Birthday in Heaven.
When I was contemplating decorating the resting spot for his birthday I originally was going to put the toys by his marker then it hit me, I had two of each. Riley shares a resting spot with his brother Ean and honestly if they were living children they would each want their own of the same toy. I know, I know, they aren’t there physically, technically it’s not for them, it’s for me. I receive a small measure of comfort to think about my babies with their toys, to imagine them as they may have been and to think that in Heaven they must be laughing, singing and playing with other children.
Some would say because I never held my baby while in my arms alive surely my grief can’t be as great as theirs.
Some would say I never laughed and played with my baby so my heartache can never compare.
Some would say I don’t know the full loss of a child because my baby wasn’t born alive.
Some would say because I didn’t have to say goodbye after their first breath surely it’s not real grief.
To all these statements I somewhat agree, I never experienced these things, I never made it to those milestones, and yet just as other mothers held their hopes and dreams, I had mine. I imagined milestones, memories made and a future that slipped away with the last heartbeat of my baby.
Others would say well at least you know you can get pregnant, at least you made it that far in pregnancy, at least you saw your baby, at least you have a resting place for your baby, at least you have living children. I’ve felt those pains, I’ve agonized over trying to become pregnant and seen negative test after test, at one point I may have even thought those thoughts and I surely didn’t think I would ever face this type of loss. There is no at least, it still hurts, grief shouldn’t be compared.
I remember my babies and show my love in the ways I can. It’s different and not as accepted as it would be if my baby was still alive but that doesn’t change the love I’ve felt and will continue to feel.
In a world where our babies never born alive or have died shortly after we are encouraged to move on, it becomes awkward if we mention them, we are shamed if we remember them in ways that seem outside the “normal”, yet we love our babies just as fiercely and sometimes feel we have to struggle that much more to validate their life. In a world where you may feel silenced or alone, I see you Mama, today I hurt with you, I think of you and hold space for you.
Riley Ember’s heart stopped at 8w4d, but he was STILL born April 14, 2018 at 12w. I love you my precious baby, Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven!
5 months today I saw your tiny little body, you were loved, you were wanted! No matter what some may believe I know your life mattered and although you weren’t born alive and didn’t grow to be a full term baby you were brought to this earth for a purpose. I love you and miss you my precious child and I look forward to seeing you and your siblings in Heaven one day. 🦋
It’s hard to believe it has been two weeks since I first delivered Riley and saw him for the first time. So tiny just a little over a centimeter. I was so traumatized at how moving him from the strainer that caught him over the toilet to the jar we could safely hold him damaged his delicate little body. He looked more like a baby while curled up before moving him and although he still looked like a baby it wasn’t as perfect as the initial curled up view I had of him prior to cleaning him off and moving him. I had fought a headache all day that turned into a migraine by the end of the day. By the time my hubby came home from work I was bed bound due to the migraine and the emotions that became all consuming. I just kept thinking of our precious Ean Rigel and our precious Riley Ember. My sweet hubby joined me early and held me though I had no words I could put to how I was feeling. Finally, after a couple hours had passed I asked if he was serious about not trying again in the future and he said he was concerned for how I would be able to hold up physically, but we would talk about it more in time.
It’s hard knowing that today it’s been a week since I delivered Riley. My womb is empty and my heart breaks. I had a baby shower to attend for a dear sweet boy that has been so desired and prayed for by two loving parents. Part of me felt scared to attend because I was afraid I’d break down and I didn’t want to lessen this joyful occasion. I wanted to be there because I am happy and excited for this child. Although it’s joyful I’m also reminded that I’ve lost two babies during this time. I was 6 weeks ahead in pregnancy but lost Ean. Then this mama is still pregnant, praise the Lord for that, and when I became pregnant she was 20 weeks ahead of me. Now I have the loss of Riley too. I’ve had the loss of two babies in the time we’ve been anxiously awaiting this precious little boy. I had a friend say I was so brave and strong for attending the baby shower so soon after losing Riley and having the loss of Ean. She said not many would be able to celebrate another baby so soon after losing their own. My heart aches and I’d give anything to have my babies and I don’t see going to this baby shower as brave or strong. I love this baby and celebrate him, I look forward to the day I can hold him and know the joy his mommy and daddy feel. I do miss my babies and everyday it’s hard, but I know one day I’ll see Ean and Riley in Heaven.
So thankful we were able to bury our precious baby today around 3:40PM. So grateful to the funeral home for providing us with a temporary grave marker free of charge. This was a personal service private between our children, husband and myself.
She had her own balloon to play with and had already released her teal balloons when we released ours but she decided she wanted to let her orange one go too. Made it sweet and special especially when it caught up to the other balloons.
We received the approval to bury Riley Ember with his brother Ean Rigel so that is our plan for tomorrow.
I began by taking the medication at 9:30AM. It's such a terrible feeling when the bleeding begins even when you're expecting it. I was so afraid that I would miss Riley because he would be so small. At 3:20PM Riley Ember was delivered. He was too tiny and delicate to measure but was about 1.5cm and probably lighter than a tiny feather. Getting him transferred into the preservation jar was so difficult because he was so fragile and by the time he was moved he looked a little less like a baby due to the injuries. It took a while for everything to be over but thankfully bleeding was manageable. We've contacted the cemetery to obtain permission to bury him with Ean and we will have final word on that tomorrow.
Rough day today with migraine. At one point I just asked my hubby to just bury me and call it good. I desperately need everyone to pray that my induction will go well tomorrow. I’d be 12 weeks and sweet Riley passed at 8w4d but measured 8w-8w4d. Pray everything comes out properly and I don’t hemorrhage. I want to avoid a D&C unless it’s a medical necessity. Once I’ve delivered Riley Ember I can start fully grieving and we can make arrangements for burial. These past two weeks have been hard and have felt like walking through a haze. Please keep us in prayer.
Receiving this response today helped me to breathe easier and makes me feel so much better should I need the D&C as that will still be my last choice. Always, always advocate for yourself and know what the laws are so when they say you cannot you can show them you know your rights.
First of all, I want to extend my sympathies to you as you journey down this road of grief and loss once again.
In regards to your current baby’s death and possible D&C – I want to affirm you in your decision to have your baby buried alongside his brother.
In the State of X in accordance with X law “including sections 194.375 through 194.390” you have the right to determine the final disposition of your baby, regardless of the gestation age.
It is important that you work with a funeral home because the hospital cannot release your baby directly to you but to a funeral home.
I’m sorry if this sounds cold with the legalese above but I want to supply you with the proper law(s) that dictate you are able to choose what you want done after the delivery.
My suggestion is that if you live around the X area or in the area of a X Hospital where you might be delivering your baby, contact the local pastoral care office and inform them.
Ask for a chaplain to give you a call and then that person can follow up with you immediately after the delivery so you won’t have to go through what you did with your previous baby.
Once again, my heart aches for you and I pray that God and the angels surround you with love and compassion with the promise of you reuniting with your babies at the time of your death.
Please contact me if you have any questions or need more information.
Blessings to you,
Precious Baby so loved by Mommy, Daddy, Brother and his two Sisters. This precious baby was our little rainbow after a storm, our remaining ember of hope and an answer to prayer. On April 2, 2018 when I was 10w2d pregnant we learned our baby no longer had a heartbeat and was only measuring around 8 weeks. We believe this precious baby was a boy. He arrived in Heaven when his heart stopped at 8w4d on March 21, 2018. His body was delivered at 12w on April 14, 2018 @ 3:20PM. He was laid to rest April 16, 2016 about 3:40PM. Riley Ember and Ean Rigel are buried together and are in Heaven together with their other two siblings. Riley Ember will be forever loved and remembered.