Thoughts

It’s hard to even begin to describe how I feel or slow the swirling thoughts inside my head. After we lost Ean I felt broken and I wasn’t completely sure I would ever make it out to the other side. Having an adorable toddler helped to add brightness to my days but it also added another layer of pain, pain that I was unable to give her the baby brother and the loss of all the moments we’d have together as a family. After a while I was able to grieve and the pain was a little less intense because I could help someone after going through what I had and I held a little hope for the future. We had decided to try again and just a couple days after ovulation we lost my husband’s mom and our children’s Granny suddenly from a heart attack. I fell apart and even thought I just couldn’t have another baby since she was gone but was delighted when we received several positive pregnancy tests. This baby was our little rainbow after a storm, our remaining ember of hope. I just knew God had given us this baby to help through grieving the loss of Granny and to help us get through when Ean’s due date in May would arrive and with the baby due October 27th we would more easily get through the first anniversary of Ean’s loss on October 30th. I had faith we would hold this baby in our arms and I imagined all the milestones and interaction between siblings. I was so excited we found the heartbeat early on the doppler at 8w3d that was a bit of reassurance. Unfortunately however that was the last time we were ever able to accurately find the heartbeat. At 10w2d we went for an ultrasound to ease our minds but even before going in I had braced myself for bad news. Before the technician even said so I could see there was no heartbeat on the screen and the baby measured smaller than he/she should have. Since my levels for HCG and progesterone were so high we went for a transvaginal ultrasound at 10w4d to make sure there wasn’t a twin and again only one baby, there was no heartbeat and the baby only measured 8w-8w4d and the gestational sac measured 9w2d. Since we want to bury our baby and if we send for testing they won’t return the remains we will likely never know why baby died and what the gender was although I believe baby was a boy. We decided on a gender neutral name Riley Ember. Riley means courageous/ valiant and Ember is a small piece of burning or glowing coal or wood in a dying fire, to me it was the hope I had for this little soul and the bright spot in the darkness we had faced. I don’t understand why Riley died or why I’m having to wait for my body to recognize and stop carrying. I can’t even begin to fathom the purpose after all the loss we’ve had in the last year why we have now lost two babies in less than 6 months. I know people say God won’t give you more than you can handle and I absolutely disagree because this I cannot handle but it does require me to lean on Him and use His strength so through Christ I’ll make it through.