My body still has no cramping or bleeding. I'm unsure how long I'd be allowed to wait for my body before Dr would decide a D&C would be needed. It's important to me and our children that our baby be buried and all information I'm receiving is we wouldn't receive remains for burial after surgical management. I requested my Dr prescribe me medication to induce like we did with Ean and hubby picked them up today. This time I'll be at home instead of in the hospital because the baby is little enough. I'll use the medication Saturday and I hope it goes well or I'll have to repeat the process again in 3 days then if it doesn't work I don't know if we can wait any longer or try inducing again but I think we'd be advised surgical management as our last option. By Saturday I'd be 12 weeks and it's estimated by measurements that Riley's heart stopped around 8w-8w4d. We heard it clearly on fetal doppler at 8w3d so my guess is that's the last day it was beating.
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I sent a message to Pastoral Services at the hospital hoping maybe they could look into things for me and get me an answer.
On October 30, 2017 I was admitted and induced at 13w6d after learning our baby's heart stopped at 13w2d. We declined genetic testing because we were advised that we would not receive remains back for burial. We were assured that we could take our baby home with us but at the last minute during discharge we learned they had taken our son to pathology by mistake instead of the morgue and denied us his body because we lived out of state. Thankfully Sister continued researching for us and contacted me November 2, 2017 to let me know the hospital would release our son’s remains to us. We named our son Ean Rigel and he was buried in a cemetery close to home on November 4, 2017. On April 2, 2018 at 10w2d pregnant I went in for an ultrasound and discovered our baby had no longer had a heartbeat and only measured around 8 weeks. I am still waiting for my body to acknowledge the miscarriage and was advised if it went too long I would need a D&C. It is important to us to be able to bury our baby we have named Riley Ember. I’m afraid just as we would be denied remains for genetic testing we would be denied remains after a D&C. Waiting for my body is taking an emotional toll especially so soon after our last loss and I fear leaving home because I’m afraid I may lose our baby’s body down a public toilet. If I required a D&C would we really be denied the remains for burial or could they be obtained by a funeral home so we could bury our baby? It’s hard to even begin to describe how I feel or slow the swirling thoughts inside my head. After we lost Ean I felt broken and I wasn’t completely sure I would ever make it out to the other side. Having an adorable toddler helped to add brightness to my days but it also added another layer of pain, pain that I was unable to give her the baby brother and the loss of all the moments we’d have together as a family. After a while I was able to grieve and the pain was a little less intense because I could help someone after going through what I had and I held a little hope for the future. We had decided to try again and just a couple days after ovulation we lost my husband’s mom and our children’s Granny suddenly from a heart attack. I fell apart and even thought I just couldn’t have another baby since she was gone but was delighted when we received several positive pregnancy tests. This baby was our little rainbow after a storm, our remaining ember of hope. I just knew God had given us this baby to help through grieving the loss of Granny and to help us get through when Ean’s due date in May would arrive and with the baby due October 27th we would more easily get through the first anniversary of Ean’s loss on October 30th. I had faith we would hold this baby in our arms and I imagined all the milestones and interaction between siblings. I was so excited we found the heartbeat early on the doppler at 8w3d that was a bit of reassurance. Unfortunately however that was the last time we were ever able to accurately find the heartbeat. At 10w2d we went for an ultrasound to ease our minds but even before going in I had braced myself for bad news. Before the technician even said so I could see there was no heartbeat on the screen and the baby measured smaller than he/she should have. Since my levels for HCG and progesterone were so high we went for a transvaginal ultrasound at 10w4d to make sure there wasn’t a twin and again only one baby, there was no heartbeat and the baby only measured 8w-8w4d and the gestational sac measured 9w2d. Since we want to bury our baby and if we send for testing they won’t return the remains we will likely never know why baby died and what the gender was although I believe baby was a boy. We decided on a gender neutral name Riley Ember. Riley means courageous/ valiant and Ember is a small piece of burning or glowing coal or wood in a dying fire, to me it was the hope I had for this little soul and the bright spot in the darkness we had faced. I don’t understand why Riley died or why I’m having to wait for my body to recognize and stop carrying. I can’t even begin to fathom the purpose after all the loss we’ve had in the last year why we have now lost two babies in less than 6 months. I know people say God won’t give you more than you can handle and I absolutely disagree because this I cannot handle but it does require me to lean on Him and use His strength so through Christ I’ll make it through.
The end of pregnancy brings much anxiety whether it’s a healthy full term pregnancy and birth can occur any moment or if it’s a missed miscarriage and you’re waiting any moment to miscarry ending the pregnancy. Difference is at the end of a healthy full term pregnancy there’s usually joy and with a missed miscarriage while grief begins the moment you hear there’s no heartbeat it becomes more intense once you’re no longer carrying the baby. When you’re unsure of when delivery will occur it generally won’t stop you from leaving home at full term but with miscarriage it’s terrifying because you fear you’ll lose your baby down a public toilet. This side of Heaven we’ll never know why we lost Riley Ember or even know gender for sure because sending baby for testing they won’t return for burial. I just know most likely the loss was caused by something genetic that couldn’t be prevented and I believe Riley Ember was a boy. So I wait and I pray that I don’t have to have surgery so we’re still able to bury Riley Ember.
Rearranged the mantle today. I brought home the plaque Papa and Granny got for Ean’s grave because I’m afraid it will get damaged when they mow or trim. It says “Forever With the Angels Always In our Hearts”. There’s now 4 baby’s laying in angel wings to represent all of our babies in Heaven. Baby Wichita 1999, Baby Augusta 2002, Ean Rigel 2017 and Riley Ember 2018.
I stopped the progesterone and low dose aspirin last night. Labs from yesterday's HCG and progesterone shows HCG went down to 134238 and progesterone down to 40.9
Precious ultrasound pictures taken of our little baby. Enjoy the love, peace and happiness in Heaven our precious baby. We will meet you someday in Heaven. We loved you before you were conceived, our love grew each day, and our love for you will never end
This is the last ultrasound picture taken of our little baby today. Unfortunately still no heartbeat detected and there was only one baby. Estimate is baby died 2 weeks ago, my body isn’t letting this little one go easily and isn’t even showing signs of it yet, as of now it’s still day by day to see what happens. I went in for labs after ultrasound; we’re checking HCG level, Progesterone, Homocysteine level, testing for Protein C Deficiency and testing for Protein S Deficiency. This has been such a roller coaster and it’s not over yet, I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. Hubby is really struggling too. The kids haven’t had much to say but losing a second sibling so soon and so much unknown has been hard on them.
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Riley EmberPrecious Baby so loved by Mommy, Daddy, Brother and his two Sisters. This precious baby was our little rainbow after a storm, our remaining ember of hope and an answer to prayer. On April 2, 2018 when I was 10w2d pregnant we learned our baby no longer had a heartbeat and was only measuring around 8 weeks. We believe this precious baby was a boy. He arrived in Heaven when his heart stopped at 8w4d on March 21, 2018. His body was delivered at 12w on April 14, 2018 @ 3:20PM. He was laid to rest April 16, 2016 about 3:40PM. Riley Ember and Ean Rigel are buried together and are in Heaven together with their other two siblings. Riley Ember will be forever loved and remembered. Archives
April 2019
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